Its times like these...
I've been listening to a lot of people talk about historic things. This election being a huge page turner, not only for our country, but the entire planet. People really do want to see us figure this shit out. Not only for our sakes, but theirs as well.
I was listening to Patrice Oneil and Anthony Cumia argue about race in this country on O and A. They both made good points, although they were in total diametric extremes. Anthony thinks that the blacks will see this as a leg up for themselves and rich people would lose everything. Patrice's point was that racism is still very much alive, but phony and covert. They both had the logical conclusion to illogical ingrained fears based on power.
When I was a kid in the mid 70's and early 80's, there was this SciFi vision of the future on TV and in Movies that I was totally ready for. Flying cars, time machines, distant wars on distant galaxies. All that shit. Totally down for it in a huge way. But the other day it hit me: this IS the FUTURE and that was wishful thinking en masse. We really do want to be better and faster and richer. But we aren't because there's a bunch of psychological bullshit that we can't put down.
An Open Message:
So called WHITE PEOPLE of America (this includes everyone with a lack of melanin sufficient enough to burn in the sun):
You oppressed people. You enslaved them. You held them down, hung them from trees, dragged them from cars, whipped them, took their kids away, turned dogs loose on them, worked them to death, treated your horses better, refused to let them educate themselves and took advantage of them and then laughed at them for being stupid. You guys literally came into someone else's country (cause your own country didn't care for you) and just started claiming it for yourselves. You built this country on greed and avarice and twice it has crumbled to nothing (at least in a financial sense). And yet there are people of color who, despite all that oppression, learn to play the game better than you do. It was bound to happen and you know it. Why not fess up to it, pick up the pieces and finally stop looking at the brown and black people as these ignorant threats that you have to protect yourself from. If you stopped the pretentious attitude that tells you are better and that you are entitled to a better life than those brown and black people who are naturally predisposed to do your bidding, you might not be so scared. But you can't drop the attitude because what other identity would you have?
So Called BLACK and BROWN people of America: I'm going to say this to you because it is the truth. SLAVERY DID NOT BEGIN WITH WHITE PEOPLE. There was no way any Europeans were navigating through the jungles by themselves. They had help in the beginning. From other Africans. Tribal kings were the ones who thought up the plan to kidnap their own people and sell them to the Europeans for goods. From the jump off of African slavery, your own sold you out. For a while after slavery, there was a sense of purpose and righteousness that black and brown folks had to uplift their race. They HAD to make it better. They HAD to be seen as competent, intelligent people, if only to prove that the whites were wrong for what they did (and so where those first africans that sold us). They held down the best for so long, that it had to surge forward to survive. It HAD to. There was a sense of pride that prevailed for a time that helped us educate ourselves and step up out of poverty.
But that is fading, black folks. Now when you look at how you are portrayed in the world, you come off as uncouth, half naked, shot up, violent, hating your women, women whoring out, rioting, materialistic to the degree that you feed your kids shit to dress them in designer clothes, while you beat their asses and sometimes kill your young. Its all asses and titties and money and diamonds (that your african counterpart is getting his limbs hacked off for), slang that doesn't even make sense at times, all the songs sound the same and have the same simplistic messages: please don't leave me, fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody, I'm better than you, I'll kill you, I'll fuck you THEN kill you, my pussy/dick is better/bigger than yours, I'm the shit, etc. Even though theres money flying around and some of us aren't living in the projects anymore, they still think and act as though they are. But you can't drop the attitude because what other identity would you have?
Which brings us back to the future. This all will inevitably have to change. Now whites can't say that blacks are too stupid to be president, and the blacks can no longer say they WON'T LET US be president. If the economy continues to slump, blacks and whites will have to share whats left. The rich in this country, amidst all the poor and middle class, will begin to seem like the French aristocracy just before the revolution and heads getting chopped off. The have nots are growing so fast that the havs are just spending it more so the have nots don't get it. Something will happen soon that will force a change.
If history has taught us anything in our country is that new presidents usually get slammed with an epic situation that tests their strength and character. It usually involves a lot of casualties and it forces ordinary people to suffer and endure. But here in the future, no one is exempt and whatever happens after tonight, "the truth hits everybody, the truth hits everyone" and everyone has to learn to swim.
CC
I was listening to Patrice Oneil and Anthony Cumia argue about race in this country on O and A. They both made good points, although they were in total diametric extremes. Anthony thinks that the blacks will see this as a leg up for themselves and rich people would lose everything. Patrice's point was that racism is still very much alive, but phony and covert. They both had the logical conclusion to illogical ingrained fears based on power.
When I was a kid in the mid 70's and early 80's, there was this SciFi vision of the future on TV and in Movies that I was totally ready for. Flying cars, time machines, distant wars on distant galaxies. All that shit. Totally down for it in a huge way. But the other day it hit me: this IS the FUTURE and that was wishful thinking en masse. We really do want to be better and faster and richer. But we aren't because there's a bunch of psychological bullshit that we can't put down.
An Open Message:
So called WHITE PEOPLE of America (this includes everyone with a lack of melanin sufficient enough to burn in the sun):
You oppressed people. You enslaved them. You held them down, hung them from trees, dragged them from cars, whipped them, took their kids away, turned dogs loose on them, worked them to death, treated your horses better, refused to let them educate themselves and took advantage of them and then laughed at them for being stupid. You guys literally came into someone else's country (cause your own country didn't care for you) and just started claiming it for yourselves. You built this country on greed and avarice and twice it has crumbled to nothing (at least in a financial sense). And yet there are people of color who, despite all that oppression, learn to play the game better than you do. It was bound to happen and you know it. Why not fess up to it, pick up the pieces and finally stop looking at the brown and black people as these ignorant threats that you have to protect yourself from. If you stopped the pretentious attitude that tells you are better and that you are entitled to a better life than those brown and black people who are naturally predisposed to do your bidding, you might not be so scared. But you can't drop the attitude because what other identity would you have?
So Called BLACK and BROWN people of America: I'm going to say this to you because it is the truth. SLAVERY DID NOT BEGIN WITH WHITE PEOPLE. There was no way any Europeans were navigating through the jungles by themselves. They had help in the beginning. From other Africans. Tribal kings were the ones who thought up the plan to kidnap their own people and sell them to the Europeans for goods. From the jump off of African slavery, your own sold you out. For a while after slavery, there was a sense of purpose and righteousness that black and brown folks had to uplift their race. They HAD to make it better. They HAD to be seen as competent, intelligent people, if only to prove that the whites were wrong for what they did (and so where those first africans that sold us). They held down the best for so long, that it had to surge forward to survive. It HAD to. There was a sense of pride that prevailed for a time that helped us educate ourselves and step up out of poverty.
But that is fading, black folks. Now when you look at how you are portrayed in the world, you come off as uncouth, half naked, shot up, violent, hating your women, women whoring out, rioting, materialistic to the degree that you feed your kids shit to dress them in designer clothes, while you beat their asses and sometimes kill your young. Its all asses and titties and money and diamonds (that your african counterpart is getting his limbs hacked off for), slang that doesn't even make sense at times, all the songs sound the same and have the same simplistic messages: please don't leave me, fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody, I'm better than you, I'll kill you, I'll fuck you THEN kill you, my pussy/dick is better/bigger than yours, I'm the shit, etc. Even though theres money flying around and some of us aren't living in the projects anymore, they still think and act as though they are. But you can't drop the attitude because what other identity would you have?
Which brings us back to the future. This all will inevitably have to change. Now whites can't say that blacks are too stupid to be president, and the blacks can no longer say they WON'T LET US be president. If the economy continues to slump, blacks and whites will have to share whats left. The rich in this country, amidst all the poor and middle class, will begin to seem like the French aristocracy just before the revolution and heads getting chopped off. The have nots are growing so fast that the havs are just spending it more so the have nots don't get it. Something will happen soon that will force a change.
If history has taught us anything in our country is that new presidents usually get slammed with an epic situation that tests their strength and character. It usually involves a lot of casualties and it forces ordinary people to suffer and endure. But here in the future, no one is exempt and whatever happens after tonight, "the truth hits everybody, the truth hits everyone" and everyone has to learn to swim.
CC
Its been soooo long...
Looking back through my posts I realize I was so very angry. I promise to lighten the fuck up effective immediately.
On the good side I have lots of wonderful things brewing so please stay tuned..
On the good side I have lots of wonderful things brewing so please stay tuned..
Actions speak louder than words...
These rules apply for both love and life:If someone's words and actions don't add up to the same thing, they are lying to you. There is no exception to this rule. If a guy says all the right things and does really foul shit, you'd be a masochistic fool to rely on his words. If you confront someone on some shit they did, and their 1st instinct is to try to start another lame argument on some other shit even though ITS REALLY OBVIOUS THEY JUST DID SOME FOUL SHIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, their actions betray them. If someone claims to want to help you, but their actions sabotage the very thing you need help with, Or if you have some success and someone congratulates you but looks like they want to run you over, their actions tell you they are not on your side. People can only run game on you if you let them...
Main reason for resisting marriage
Some guy named Travis Frey, "a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap) actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document--a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"--that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily." To see this amazing piece of shit, click here
So here's my Asshole Husband Contract:
Hygiene and Self Care: You will make sure the size of your beer gut does not exceed the size of your cock. I must be able to look over your shoulder and see your dick. You may not have hair of any kind on your back, or coming out of your ears or nose. You feet and balls may not smell like rotting cheese.
Clothes and other apparel: You may not wear something for 3 days, hang it out the window and think it don't smell anymore. You may not wear jeans with a suit jacket. If I ever see you in a pair of Speedos, it means almost certain death.
Sleepwear and Sleeping: You are not allowed to sleep without drawers on and farting under the covers is strictly prohibited. And under no circumstances can you try to fuck me while I'm asleep.
MY Time: during my time, especially if that time coincides with my menstrual cycle, you will not look at me, breathe near me, or ask me to do shit for you. For all requests of that nature, please see the section entitled MOTHER.
Sexual Matters: Cunnilingus must be performed TO COMPLETION prior to the beginning of any sexual act. Removal of the stabilizing head gear needed to insure completion will not be removed until afterglow is evident. Anal sex will only be allowed if I am properly inerbriated first..
If any of the terms of this contract are violated or ignored in any way, you will promptly be asked to go fuck yourself..
For all the Monty Python Heads
To all those that love them some Monty Python, make sure you check PBS in the next few weeks. They are doing an awesome 6 part series highlighting the best of MP by each performer. Last night was the Eric Idle portion and they really went back in the vaults and found the rarely seen stuff plus lots of footage of the live college arena shows they used to do that were HYSTERICAL! I can't believe that I used to watch this as a little kid in the 70's and got the jokes. Not all of them, of course, but the beauty of this kind of series is that you get to see all the stuff you don't know (all the fans know the Dead Parrot Sketch, etc), and catch all the jokes you were just too young to understand. and this is stuff that mostly aired in England that we never got to see.
P.S. As much as I love stand up comedy and comedians, in my mind, NOTHING beats a group of people who are equally funny, talented and crazy who work together to break new ground. I would LOVE to be part of something like that...(hint, hint)
Myspace Music Page
I'm going to be uploading some original beats that I'm learning to make in Reason (any tutorials are most welcome).
In the meantime, go to my page and add 1 of these songs to your page. I'll post a bulletin when MY SHIT is ready....
Peace Love and BEATZ!
What's the deal with me?
I Live: in a state of grateful stoicism.
I Work: much more efficiently than I once did.
I Talk: more than I should.
I Wish: for the one I love
I Look: in my heart for the answer.
I Smell: like Egyptian Musk.
I Listen: to music like it was a drug.
I Hide: nothing anymore.
I Walk: with the Goddess Mothers.
I Write: all the fucking time.
I See: myself growing old gracefully.
I Sing: much more now than I ever did.
I Laugh: 90f the time.
I Can: love with a open heart
I Watch: what I say around certain people
I Yearn: for the one who sees thru me.
I Daydream: to save my life.
I Fall: 7 times, but stand up 8.
I Want: a long and productive life.
I Cry: very easily once I got these new found emotions
I Burn: every night after work and its great!.
I Read: bitches who think they are gonna get over..
I Love: Seeing the moon break through clouds
I Rode: quite a few stallions in my day..
I Sometimes: dream things and they come true
I Touch: but love to be touched
I Hurt: for children who parents abuse them
I Fear: nothing. Fear is the Mind Killer
I Hope: for the best
I Break: my own heart sometimes..
I Eat: my own cooking
I Bathe: in the cool waters of Peace
I Drink: wine when I wanna get toasty
I Stop: but I just keep going
I Save: books
I Hug: my adopted cats
I Meditate: and its the blessing of my life
I Miss: My uncle, and this girl named Saby Cabanilla I went to school with who is gone from us too soon..
I Forgive: my mother for not being taught unconditional love
I Learn: very quickly
I Dream: things that come to pass, sometimes years later
I Have: a peaceful existence now..
I Don't: think about the past anymore
I Made: some suprising cool songs on my own
I Believe: The state of your mind is the state of your life
I Need: not to need anything anymore
I Owe: a great debt to the universe
I Hate: the fact that my own self hatred was eagerly used by my family for their own bad bidness...
I Feel: too much
I Know: too much
I Wonder: if I was ever here before..
I took: a chance by answering this
I Work: much more efficiently than I once did.
I Talk: more than I should.
I Wish: for the one I love
I Look: in my heart for the answer.
I Smell: like Egyptian Musk.
I Listen: to music like it was a drug.
I Hide: nothing anymore.
I Walk: with the Goddess Mothers.
I Write: all the fucking time.
I See: myself growing old gracefully.
I Sing: much more now than I ever did.
I Laugh: 90f the time.
I Can: love with a open heart
I Watch: what I say around certain people
I Yearn: for the one who sees thru me.
I Daydream: to save my life.
I Fall: 7 times, but stand up 8.
I Want: a long and productive life.
I Cry: very easily once I got these new found emotions
I Burn: every night after work and its great!.
I Read: bitches who think they are gonna get over..
I Love: Seeing the moon break through clouds
I Rode: quite a few stallions in my day..
I Sometimes: dream things and they come true
I Touch: but love to be touched
I Hurt: for children who parents abuse them
I Fear: nothing. Fear is the Mind Killer
I Hope: for the best
I Break: my own heart sometimes..
I Eat: my own cooking
I Bathe: in the cool waters of Peace
I Drink: wine when I wanna get toasty
I Stop: but I just keep going
I Save: books
I Hug: my adopted cats
I Meditate: and its the blessing of my life
I Miss: My uncle, and this girl named Saby Cabanilla I went to school with who is gone from us too soon..
I Forgive: my mother for not being taught unconditional love
I Learn: very quickly
I Dream: things that come to pass, sometimes years later
I Have: a peaceful existence now..
I Don't: think about the past anymore
I Made: some suprising cool songs on my own
I Believe: The state of your mind is the state of your life
I Need: not to need anything anymore
I Owe: a great debt to the universe
I Hate: the fact that my own self hatred was eagerly used by my family for their own bad bidness...
I Feel: too much
I Know: too much
I Wonder: if I was ever here before..
I took: a chance by answering this
Chicago Afrobeat Project
Interview with Mark Thompson and David Glines of the Chicago Afrobeat Project. We discuss how long it took to record the CD; props to keyboard player and engineeer Kevin Ford; ranking and one of the Top 10 World Music Albums of 2005 on Chicago Public Radio's Passport show; how their song "Tibet On It" was inspired by Femi Kuti; how the Chicago Afrobeat Project started; The Chicago Reader; including dancers Tasha and Ebony in upcoming shows; why Afrobeat bands tend to have so many musicians; Tony Allen's 5-piece band; their jazz influence; saxophone player Angelo Garcia; Fela Kuti; talking drum player T.J. Okinola; kora player Morikeba Kouyate; why is Afrobeat having a resurgence of interest; the politcal nature of Afrobeat; the impact of Antibalas on Afrobeat in America; the popularity of dance music; the electronic and house scene in Chicago; their song "Talking Bush" will make you dance; where they recorded their CD; Chris Heim promoting their CD release party; performing at The Note; upcoming performances.
Featured songs are "Tibet On It", "Jekajo" and "Talking Bush".
small WORLD Podcast web site
small WORLD Podcast subscription
Beware the Bling
Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Accept a Diamond Ring from Anyone, Under Any Circumstances, Even If They Really Want to Give You One (2/14/02)By Liz Stanton, CPE Staff Economist
1. You've Been Psychologically Conditioned To Want a DiamondThe diamond engagement ring is a 63-year-old invention of N.W.Ayer advertising agency. The De Beers diamond cartel contracted N.W.Ayer to create a demand for what are, essentially, useless hunks of rock.
2. Diamonds are Priced Well Above Their ValueThe De Beers cartel has systematically held diamond prices at levels far greater than their abundance would generate under anything even remotely resembling perfect competition. All diamonds not already under its control are bought by the cartel, and then the De Beers cartel carefully managed world diamond supply in order to keep prices steadily high.
3. Diamonds Have No Resale or Investment ValueAny diamond that you buy or receive will indeed be yours forever: De Beers' advertising deliberately brain-washed women not to sell; the steady price is a tool to prevent speculation in diamonds; and no dealer will buy a diamond from you. You can only sell it at a diamond purchasing center or a pawn shop where you will receive a tiny fraction of its original "value."
4. Diamond Miners are Disproportionately Exposed to HIV/AIDSMany diamond mining camps enforce all-male, no-family rules. Men contract HIV/AIDS from camp sex-workers, while women married to miners have no access to employment, no income outside of their husbands and no bargaining power for negotiating safe sex, and thus are at extremely high risk of contracting HIV.
5. Open-Pit Diamond Mines Pose Environmental ThreatsDiamond mines are open pits where salts, heavy minerals, organisms, oil, and chemicals from mining equipment freely leach into ground-water, endangering people in nearby mining camps and villages, as well as downstream plants and animals.
6. Diamond Mine-Owners Violate Indigenous People's RightsDiamond mines in Australia, Canada, India and many countries in Africa are situated on lands traditionally associated with indigenous peoples. Many of these communities have been displaced, while others remain, often at great cost to their health, livelihoods and traditional cultures.
7. Slave Laborers Cut and Polish DiamondsMore than one-half of the world's diamonds are processed in India where many of the cutters and polishers are bonded child laborers. Bonded children work to pay off the debts of their relatives, often unsuccessfully. When they reach adulthood their debt is passed on to their younger siblings or to their own children.
8. Conflict Diamonds Fund Civil Wars in AfricaThere is no reliable way to insure that your diamond was not mined or stolen by government or rebel military forces in order to finance civil conflict. Conflict diamonds are traded either for guns or for cash to pay and feed soldiers.
9. Diamond Wars are Fought Using Child WarriorsMany diamond producing governments and rebel forces use children as soldiers, laborers in military camps, and sex slaves. Child soldiers are given drugs to overcome their fear and reluctance to participate in atrocities.
10. Small Arms Trade is Intimately Related to Diamond SmugglingIllicit diamonds inflame the clandestine trade of small arms. There are 500 million small arms in the world today which are used to kill 500,000 people annually, the vast majority of whom are non-combatants.
From CC: Tell anyone you know on that bling shit to read this..If they still don't care, fuck em..
1. You've Been Psychologically Conditioned To Want a DiamondThe diamond engagement ring is a 63-year-old invention of N.W.Ayer advertising agency. The De Beers diamond cartel contracted N.W.Ayer to create a demand for what are, essentially, useless hunks of rock.
2. Diamonds are Priced Well Above Their ValueThe De Beers cartel has systematically held diamond prices at levels far greater than their abundance would generate under anything even remotely resembling perfect competition. All diamonds not already under its control are bought by the cartel, and then the De Beers cartel carefully managed world diamond supply in order to keep prices steadily high.
3. Diamonds Have No Resale or Investment ValueAny diamond that you buy or receive will indeed be yours forever: De Beers' advertising deliberately brain-washed women not to sell; the steady price is a tool to prevent speculation in diamonds; and no dealer will buy a diamond from you. You can only sell it at a diamond purchasing center or a pawn shop where you will receive a tiny fraction of its original "value."
4. Diamond Miners are Disproportionately Exposed to HIV/AIDSMany diamond mining camps enforce all-male, no-family rules. Men contract HIV/AIDS from camp sex-workers, while women married to miners have no access to employment, no income outside of their husbands and no bargaining power for negotiating safe sex, and thus are at extremely high risk of contracting HIV.
5. Open-Pit Diamond Mines Pose Environmental ThreatsDiamond mines are open pits where salts, heavy minerals, organisms, oil, and chemicals from mining equipment freely leach into ground-water, endangering people in nearby mining camps and villages, as well as downstream plants and animals.
6. Diamond Mine-Owners Violate Indigenous People's RightsDiamond mines in Australia, Canada, India and many countries in Africa are situated on lands traditionally associated with indigenous peoples. Many of these communities have been displaced, while others remain, often at great cost to their health, livelihoods and traditional cultures.
7. Slave Laborers Cut and Polish DiamondsMore than one-half of the world's diamonds are processed in India where many of the cutters and polishers are bonded child laborers. Bonded children work to pay off the debts of their relatives, often unsuccessfully. When they reach adulthood their debt is passed on to their younger siblings or to their own children.
8. Conflict Diamonds Fund Civil Wars in AfricaThere is no reliable way to insure that your diamond was not mined or stolen by government or rebel military forces in order to finance civil conflict. Conflict diamonds are traded either for guns or for cash to pay and feed soldiers.
9. Diamond Wars are Fought Using Child WarriorsMany diamond producing governments and rebel forces use children as soldiers, laborers in military camps, and sex slaves. Child soldiers are given drugs to overcome their fear and reluctance to participate in atrocities.
10. Small Arms Trade is Intimately Related to Diamond SmugglingIllicit diamonds inflame the clandestine trade of small arms. There are 500 million small arms in the world today which are used to kill 500,000 people annually, the vast majority of whom are non-combatants.
From CC: Tell anyone you know on that bling shit to read this..If they still don't care, fuck em..
Just get a friggin dildo, sheesh
Just get a dildo, sheesh...
Rare syndrome causes female sexual overdrive
Constant, unprovoked excitement actually a distressing disorder
LONDON - Doctors called on Friday for more research into a very rare, poorly understood syndrome that is the opposite of the most common sexual complaint in women.
Instead of failing to get aroused, women suffering from persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) experience constant, unprovoked feelings of excitement.
"Persistent sexual arousal syndrome occurs when a woman becomes involuntarily aroused for extended periods of time in the absence of sexual desire," said Dr. David Goldmeier, of St Mary's Hospital in London.
But rather than being a pleasant sensation, Goldmeier, who described PSAS in a report in the International Journal of STD & AIDS, said it is embarrassing and very distressing for women.
Some sufferers have reported being suicidal, he added.
In the majority of cases the cause is unknown but a number of women report symptoms after they stop taking antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
So they're depressed…and they don't see that sex can help quell this "disorder"?
Because so few cases have been studied, little is known about the prevalence of the problem or the best treatments for a condition that was first diagnosed in 2001.
"It deserves continued research, not only because it is a distressing and perplexing condition, but also because ... treatment may lead to greater understanding of other aspects of female sexual response," said Goldmeier and Dr. Sandra Leiblum of the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, New Jersey.
The International Journal of STD & AIDS is published by the Royal Society of Medicine in London.
From CC:
OY. I'm getting really sick of male scientists trying to make a fucking syndrome out of everything they don't understand..
WOMEN ARE AS HORNY AS MEN, IF NOT MORE SO. We have hormones, just like dudes have testosterone that makes them all horned out. That "feeling" is your body needing to release all that pent up energy, and GOD FORBID a chick goes out and actually fucks for the same reason a guy does...
As a really horny chick, once I got the idea that I don't have to get pregnant if I don't want to, and don't have to get a horrible disease if I use protection, then the next hurdle was finding a man that WOULD ACTUALLY PUT IN THE TIME TO GET YOU OFF!
Was talking to a handsome comedian friend of mine about hoping to get laid for my birthday (I did, by the way) and he said that women could just pick any guy and know they are going to have sex. To a point this is true. But what if the guy is a good looking well hung selfish prick who comes in 10 seconds...then yeah, you're going to have a pretty frustrated girl on your hands...
SOLUTION: Ladies, invest in a great set of dildos. That's why they make shit like that. Why sit there bugging the fuck out because you can't find a good man WHEN YOU CAN BUY A DIFFERENT COCK FOR EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK IF YOU WANTED...
There's black ones and white ones and jelly ones and sparkly ones and ones that vibrate and play Greensleves, and ones that you can stick on a wall and ones that look real and ones that look like fucking rabbits.
Then, you take a hot bath and have some wine (fuck it, make a night of it), lay back and GET YOURSELF OFF! There's nothing wrong with it, and it actually is excercise for your cooch as you learn to use the dormant muscles of your G-Spot. And if you find that your dildo is becoming boring and not as big as you'd like? SIZE UP, BITCH! They make some ASTOUNDINGLY huge dildos (ask some of your gay male friends..)
Dare I say, for some of us more radical chicks, some of us PREFER the use of a toy, even after we've finished with you...Unless you really know how to make a woman come and pull it off, don't be very surprised if she decides to take a long shower alone after being with you..she's taking care of "unfinished" business.
And don't discouraged boys: there's some benefit to your girl using a dildo: like any muscle, the more you work it the stonger it becomes. You may find after a few weeks of using her toy, her ability to "tighten up" vastly increases. And lets say you want to get her used to the idea of "going in thru the out door (wink wink). Whilst you do what you do, the dildo can help her "open up" to the idea...
Lets not forget folks: scientists are geeks and therefore get no punnany. What the fuck would they know about female arousal?
Rare syndrome causes female sexual overdrive
Constant, unprovoked excitement actually a distressing disorder
LONDON - Doctors called on Friday for more research into a very rare, poorly understood syndrome that is the opposite of the most common sexual complaint in women.
Instead of failing to get aroused, women suffering from persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) experience constant, unprovoked feelings of excitement.
"Persistent sexual arousal syndrome occurs when a woman becomes involuntarily aroused for extended periods of time in the absence of sexual desire," said Dr. David Goldmeier, of St Mary's Hospital in London.
But rather than being a pleasant sensation, Goldmeier, who described PSAS in a report in the International Journal of STD & AIDS, said it is embarrassing and very distressing for women.
Some sufferers have reported being suicidal, he added.
In the majority of cases the cause is unknown but a number of women report symptoms after they stop taking antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
So they're depressed…and they don't see that sex can help quell this "disorder"?
Because so few cases have been studied, little is known about the prevalence of the problem or the best treatments for a condition that was first diagnosed in 2001.
"It deserves continued research, not only because it is a distressing and perplexing condition, but also because ... treatment may lead to greater understanding of other aspects of female sexual response," said Goldmeier and Dr. Sandra Leiblum of the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, New Jersey.
The International Journal of STD & AIDS is published by the Royal Society of Medicine in London.
From CC:
OY. I'm getting really sick of male scientists trying to make a fucking syndrome out of everything they don't understand..
WOMEN ARE AS HORNY AS MEN, IF NOT MORE SO. We have hormones, just like dudes have testosterone that makes them all horned out. That "feeling" is your body needing to release all that pent up energy, and GOD FORBID a chick goes out and actually fucks for the same reason a guy does...
As a really horny chick, once I got the idea that I don't have to get pregnant if I don't want to, and don't have to get a horrible disease if I use protection, then the next hurdle was finding a man that WOULD ACTUALLY PUT IN THE TIME TO GET YOU OFF!
Was talking to a handsome comedian friend of mine about hoping to get laid for my birthday (I did, by the way) and he said that women could just pick any guy and know they are going to have sex. To a point this is true. But what if the guy is a good looking well hung selfish prick who comes in 10 seconds...then yeah, you're going to have a pretty frustrated girl on your hands...
SOLUTION: Ladies, invest in a great set of dildos. That's why they make shit like that. Why sit there bugging the fuck out because you can't find a good man WHEN YOU CAN BUY A DIFFERENT COCK FOR EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK IF YOU WANTED...
There's black ones and white ones and jelly ones and sparkly ones and ones that vibrate and play Greensleves, and ones that you can stick on a wall and ones that look real and ones that look like fucking rabbits.
Then, you take a hot bath and have some wine (fuck it, make a night of it), lay back and GET YOURSELF OFF! There's nothing wrong with it, and it actually is excercise for your cooch as you learn to use the dormant muscles of your G-Spot. And if you find that your dildo is becoming boring and not as big as you'd like? SIZE UP, BITCH! They make some ASTOUNDINGLY huge dildos (ask some of your gay male friends..)
Dare I say, for some of us more radical chicks, some of us PREFER the use of a toy, even after we've finished with you...Unless you really know how to make a woman come and pull it off, don't be very surprised if she decides to take a long shower alone after being with you..she's taking care of "unfinished" business.
And don't discouraged boys: there's some benefit to your girl using a dildo: like any muscle, the more you work it the stonger it becomes. You may find after a few weeks of using her toy, her ability to "tighten up" vastly increases. And lets say you want to get her used to the idea of "going in thru the out door (wink wink). Whilst you do what you do, the dildo can help her "open up" to the idea...
Lets not forget folks: scientists are geeks and therefore get no punnany. What the fuck would they know about female arousal?
A (mostly) censorship free message board
Click on the title of the post to get to the message board..
Been to a few message boards and (especially the comedy ones) are filled with angry racist trolls who have nothing to say..
NOT HERE. I made this thing up a long time ago and it just sat there, unused. It was begun for the purpose of bigging up my blog, but it can go WAY beyond that. SIGN UP. We'll get it moving..
C.
Been to a few message boards and (especially the comedy ones) are filled with angry racist trolls who have nothing to say..
NOT HERE. I made this thing up a long time ago and it just sat there, unused. It was begun for the purpose of bigging up my blog, but it can go WAY beyond that. SIGN UP. We'll get it moving..
C.
My Hornyscope
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Ruling Planet: URANUS. The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns
CC: Don't I know it...
Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship, it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs.Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.
CC: How true how true. I tried my hand at being a slut and I'm afraid I don't have the energy nor the ass for it. Everybody thinks its easy being a slut, but lemme tell ya..The chafing, the pulled muscles....
FAVE POSITION
Mutual masturbation.
CC: uuummmmm..nah. Doggy style actually... Watching guys jerk off only makes me laugh. Have you seen yourselves?
BEST SEX TOY
A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.
CC: damn straight. Ladies..yer man don't last as long as you like, or just aint cuttin it in the hoo-hoo department, HOW WONDERFUL that you can go out (hell or not with the Internet) and buy you a 10 x 5 incher that not only will get you off, but comes with a handy built-in alarm clock/radio with sparkles, plays Greensleeves, and optional Epilady attachment..
No man has yet achieved the coveted G-spot orgasm with me but Old Dildy has...
AQUARIUS MALE IN BED
He has amazing staying power in the sack.
CC: Not the Aquarian dudes I know...
He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish!
CC: The HELL you say...
He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am...
CC: Who IS this guy and where do I meet him?
he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.
CC: Agreed. Not my style. I can WATCH a bunch of people fuck and be quite throughly entertained (and I have), but jumpin in aint for me...I'm just a pervy voyeur..
AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BED
She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available.
CC: That was true back in the teenage years, but I've developed the valuable capacity to be alone for long periods so I'll just wait for my pitch..
LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.
CC: This is the truest statement. I AM freaked out by love. I love the idea of love, but the actual tests of love leave me feeling terribly vulnerable and needy and I hate that feeling. So my "protection" is to treat the world as a "buddy" with no heavy emotional scenes and learning to stay as detached as possible. True, most guys seem to looking for a smoldering, passionate sex kitten, but that shit can turn on you. While she's calling your phone every 2 seconds and showing up at your job cause she just needs you SOOOOO badly, I'm chillin, smoking a bowl and cracking out on Wave 97 on the Geonosis board of Clone Wars 4 Xbox...Admittedly not that sexy, but you'll thank me later..
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUS
Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for
giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above
the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not
laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!
CC: WTF?? If any dude I knew started trying to lick my ankles...PUH-LEEZE! Yeah, cause when I'm looking for some loving, the first thing I'm rubbing for satisfaction is my fucking ankles...
Really want to turn me on? Make me laugh, bring home those little Reese's peanut butter cups, tear me away from Wave 98, lick my earlobes, pay my rent for a year.
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Ruling Planet: URANUS. The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns
CC: Don't I know it...
Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship, it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs.Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.
CC: How true how true. I tried my hand at being a slut and I'm afraid I don't have the energy nor the ass for it. Everybody thinks its easy being a slut, but lemme tell ya..The chafing, the pulled muscles....
FAVE POSITION
Mutual masturbation.
CC: uuummmmm..nah. Doggy style actually... Watching guys jerk off only makes me laugh. Have you seen yourselves?
BEST SEX TOY
A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.
CC: damn straight. Ladies..yer man don't last as long as you like, or just aint cuttin it in the hoo-hoo department, HOW WONDERFUL that you can go out (hell or not with the Internet) and buy you a 10 x 5 incher that not only will get you off, but comes with a handy built-in alarm clock/radio with sparkles, plays Greensleeves, and optional Epilady attachment..
No man has yet achieved the coveted G-spot orgasm with me but Old Dildy has...
AQUARIUS MALE IN BED
He has amazing staying power in the sack.
CC: Not the Aquarian dudes I know...
He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish!
CC: The HELL you say...
He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am...
CC: Who IS this guy and where do I meet him?
he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.
CC: Agreed. Not my style. I can WATCH a bunch of people fuck and be quite throughly entertained (and I have), but jumpin in aint for me...I'm just a pervy voyeur..
AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BED
She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available.
CC: That was true back in the teenage years, but I've developed the valuable capacity to be alone for long periods so I'll just wait for my pitch..
LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.
CC: This is the truest statement. I AM freaked out by love. I love the idea of love, but the actual tests of love leave me feeling terribly vulnerable and needy and I hate that feeling. So my "protection" is to treat the world as a "buddy" with no heavy emotional scenes and learning to stay as detached as possible. True, most guys seem to looking for a smoldering, passionate sex kitten, but that shit can turn on you. While she's calling your phone every 2 seconds and showing up at your job cause she just needs you SOOOOO badly, I'm chillin, smoking a bowl and cracking out on Wave 97 on the Geonosis board of Clone Wars 4 Xbox...Admittedly not that sexy, but you'll thank me later..
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUS
Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for
giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above
the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not
laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!
CC: WTF?? If any dude I knew started trying to lick my ankles...PUH-LEEZE! Yeah, cause when I'm looking for some loving, the first thing I'm rubbing for satisfaction is my fucking ankles...
Really want to turn me on? Make me laugh, bring home those little Reese's peanut butter cups, tear me away from Wave 98, lick my earlobes, pay my rent for a year.
I'm turning into a POLITI-CUNT...
Were people always this stupid or is this some new shit?
I feel like starting a movement, not just cause there needs to be one, but all the other ones are crap. Everybody except war mongering Boomers (ain't that a switch..one half of your life you spend getting high on hippie drugs and trying to stop a war, the second you spend getting high on prescription drugs and trying to keep a war going--selfish twats) wants this war over, but now the dumb fucks can't figure out how to do it. It's like why, as much as rock climbing seems fun, I'll never do it: Getting up there is one thing, getting back down is another.
Now we have to stay there to make sure they can fight each other well enough on their own. We can't openly say when we are leaving cause if we do, they'll try to sucker punch us before we go. But if Condi can just show up when she wants unannouced, how come we can't just bounce in the dead of night like it was a really bad one night stand? We'll just tell Iraq we're just going out for cigarettes and we'll be right back...
But screw the political people, everyday people are buggin. Got on an AM rush our D train, packed to the gills with human wreckage. So one stank bitch decided that she really needed to read her stupid book and wrapped her entire body around the pole so one else could hold on to it. Of course, I, Divine Lady of Little Patience, set upon her way to correct homegirl. I walk up to the pole and look at her like "Do you mind?" The cuntrag actually had the nerve to get indignant and say "Don't you know how to say excuse me?!" with this snotty attitude. My response (verbatim): Hey, fuck you! It's common courtesy! Train full of people, and you have to be a bitch a wrap your whole body on the pole..blah blah.." Everyone agreed but no one said anything to her but me at she STILL stood there with people having to hold on to some one else cause they couldn't use the pole. She was shorter than I so I stood directly in front of her with my hand holding the pole right in her face and stared her down for the rest of the ride. She was on the same page for 25 minutes.
Side note about white people who move to NYC from some other okie doke place: you are the biggest punk scaredy cats ever. Let there be a insane black man on the train screaming at the top of his lungs with his ass hanging out, smelling like buttcrack and no one says anything. But let another black or latino start breakin on the guy to get the fuck off the train and all of a sudden they are chiming in with "yeahs" and "thanks, geez". Faggots.
I'm starting a movement called Enough Already. Enough Already with the politicians. Enough Already with the nutty Christians, Jews and Arabs. Enough Already with the dilly white chicks who get drunk and fuck in bathroom stalls while a 5 day line forms outside. Enough Already to Hollywood--they wouldn't be famous celebrities if they weren't being forced up everyone's ass every 5 seconds. Why would we care about Kevin Federline if we weren't made to? Enough Already with Oprah--she ran out of shit to say in 1989. Enough Already with BET and black celebrities and their various states of incarceration, litigation and hateration (thanks Mary J Blige for making up that..ummm..word(?) Enough Already with how cool it is to be gay-its not and its way more expensive than being straight. Lots of accessories with the gayness..
And Enough Already with this post...
I feel like starting a movement, not just cause there needs to be one, but all the other ones are crap. Everybody except war mongering Boomers (ain't that a switch..one half of your life you spend getting high on hippie drugs and trying to stop a war, the second you spend getting high on prescription drugs and trying to keep a war going--selfish twats) wants this war over, but now the dumb fucks can't figure out how to do it. It's like why, as much as rock climbing seems fun, I'll never do it: Getting up there is one thing, getting back down is another.
Now we have to stay there to make sure they can fight each other well enough on their own. We can't openly say when we are leaving cause if we do, they'll try to sucker punch us before we go. But if Condi can just show up when she wants unannouced, how come we can't just bounce in the dead of night like it was a really bad one night stand? We'll just tell Iraq we're just going out for cigarettes and we'll be right back...
But screw the political people, everyday people are buggin. Got on an AM rush our D train, packed to the gills with human wreckage. So one stank bitch decided that she really needed to read her stupid book and wrapped her entire body around the pole so one else could hold on to it. Of course, I, Divine Lady of Little Patience, set upon her way to correct homegirl. I walk up to the pole and look at her like "Do you mind?" The cuntrag actually had the nerve to get indignant and say "Don't you know how to say excuse me?!" with this snotty attitude. My response (verbatim): Hey, fuck you! It's common courtesy! Train full of people, and you have to be a bitch a wrap your whole body on the pole..blah blah.." Everyone agreed but no one said anything to her but me at she STILL stood there with people having to hold on to some one else cause they couldn't use the pole. She was shorter than I so I stood directly in front of her with my hand holding the pole right in her face and stared her down for the rest of the ride. She was on the same page for 25 minutes.
Side note about white people who move to NYC from some other okie doke place: you are the biggest punk scaredy cats ever. Let there be a insane black man on the train screaming at the top of his lungs with his ass hanging out, smelling like buttcrack and no one says anything. But let another black or latino start breakin on the guy to get the fuck off the train and all of a sudden they are chiming in with "yeahs" and "thanks, geez". Faggots.
I'm starting a movement called Enough Already. Enough Already with the politicians. Enough Already with the nutty Christians, Jews and Arabs. Enough Already with the dilly white chicks who get drunk and fuck in bathroom stalls while a 5 day line forms outside. Enough Already to Hollywood--they wouldn't be famous celebrities if they weren't being forced up everyone's ass every 5 seconds. Why would we care about Kevin Federline if we weren't made to? Enough Already with Oprah--she ran out of shit to say in 1989. Enough Already with BET and black celebrities and their various states of incarceration, litigation and hateration (thanks Mary J Blige for making up that..ummm..word(?) Enough Already with how cool it is to be gay-its not and its way more expensive than being straight. Lots of accessories with the gayness..
And Enough Already with this post...
Faces of Carla
Click the title of the post to view the album..
After watching people lose vauable non-replacable photos in the hurricane, I thought I should start loading stuff to the net to keep them preserved. I would suggest that if you can scan old stuff, it may prove wise in the long run. Plus it's a lot of fun to review your childhood in pictures..
A window into me...
Enjoy!
After watching people lose vauable non-replacable photos in the hurricane, I thought I should start loading stuff to the net to keep them preserved. I would suggest that if you can scan old stuff, it may prove wise in the long run. Plus it's a lot of fun to review your childhood in pictures..
A window into me...
Enjoy!
Keep it going
From a "conversation" on Myspace:
B’s points are vivid and vaild and this is exactly why I picked this forum (among others) to pose this view. And I respect all the people he mentioned and their contributions. Consider this to be the seed of thought that the ones who really HAVE to learn will eventually get because there will be people on all sides speaking out to support it.
One at a time:
“how could such a height of intellectual growth fall abruptly below sea level?“
Because despite the fact that we are descended from tribal people who lived from the earth, that has all been obliterated from most of our consciousness, like its something that we should be ashamed of. We are embarrassed by the image of the sharecropper, but that was who taught us to get in the attic with the ax in the first place. At least when we were slaves, we could carry ourselves and the whites on our backs and survive regardless of pain and TRUE hardship. Now we wait for others to save us. We also wait for others to dictate how far we should be allowed to progess and anyone who gets past that “progressive” point and gains some power a la Condolezza, aint trying to come back and make it better for anyone. She is the most educated black woman in power right now, carrying out the orders of a war monger. She’s the Ava Braun to Bush’s Hitler…
“how could the east coast black intellectual movement be halted so decisively?“
Maybe because it was just fashionable to be part of the black intellectual movement, paying lip service. Our media models for black intelligence are Oprah, Bill Cosby, and Ozzie Davis (before he died). They have totally lost touch with what needs to be in the black community. And I’ve been to some of these black intellectual forums and all it is black folks using big words to justify and legitimize their educations. It has nothing to do with reform or informing those that need the information. It’s about class and them finally thinking they achieved what they thought would make them credible in the white world.
“how did the west coast become so anti-black and anti black progress?”
I guess it’s the smog.
“why did American blacks abandon their will to progress?”
Because “progress” is based on the “white man’s” view of success and power: Money, Cars, Women, mansions, yachts, owning people and having the power to subject them to shit if you profit from it…Our tribal culture, when we were brought here, was not about that. Yoruba and Ifa belief did not speak of those things. We learned to want those things because that’s what the people who controlled us had. You wanna know why we are up to our necks in that retarded bling culture? Because 20 years ago when Sean Combs and Missy, and Little Kim and the rest were kids they sat in front of the TV in the ghetto and watched shit like Dynasty and Dallas and Lifestyles of the Rich and famous and desperately wanted that. That was what raised them…and now its proliferating into our culture in such a destructive way that the same fucked up over the top problems that used to just be a sensational TV plot IS their actual reality. So real that some of them are doing real jail time…
“did the rise of the political "hispanic" (many who lot who are acutally black) help to water-down specific RACE-based movements in America?”
ENOUGH WITH DRAWING LINES BETWEEN US AND HISPANICS. We are the same people with the same needs. The only difference between blacks and Hispanic culture is that they have a defining language and culture that UNIFIES them. As much as Puerto Ricans and Dominicans swear they are different from each other, they are so not. And these are people who are not that far removed from living close to the land from whatever countries they came from to be here. So that if they are in the situation where they have to fend for themselves, they can. Please admit that many of there blacks we saw in NO waiting for help were the same blacks sitting around before then doing nothing and being supported by help from the government.
“Indeed, even people from India learned to get educated BEFORE coming west.”
OF COURSE! Look at the country they come from that has got us beat by like 6,000 years and how their people are STILL dying in the street from hunger. They come here educated because they have no other choice. I have massive amounts of respect for young Indian people educating themselves and getting those tech jobs because after 6,000 years they may be the force that brings India into another 1,000 years of growth. We should be looking at them and the Asians who work in the stores and restaurants here and educate their children to become our doctors and we should be taking serious notes…
“the African American celebrity culture completely sold out - and continue to sell out their own "race" merely to peddle their wares to the majority of Americans: the non- hispanic, non-Jewish white majority.”
No argument there and we could go on for days citing examples…
“anti- black sentiment is not a new phenomenon. research the success and failure of every black milieu over the last 200 years and you will notice a distinct pattern from step-in-fetch-it to Chicken George.”
Because once a “nigger” gets a taste of power, he will sell his own mama out to keep it.
“black self hatred is inevitable because blacks still exist in this culture at the behest of the white majority.”
That, in 2005, is no longer true and is a cop out. We have more Hispanics, Asians and Blacks combined than white people and maybe if we started waking up to this fact and building commerce and resources amongst those 3 groups…Black people hate themselves because they KNOW what they are doing is a cop out and it don’t sit right in the soul. If you are smoking blunts all day and fucking and stealing and wasting your time chasing money and not getting anywhere, the last person you are going to blame is yourself. I speak from experience: I am intelligent and I went through a self hating time when all I did was have no job and smoke a lot of trees and there was ALWAYS a crew to hang with everyday who did the same shit. And everybody had the same story: It’s hard to be black out here so let’s just smoke this L and commiserate and play video games and do nothing to alter the situation. Eventually, I began to hate my self-loathing and pulled it together. It helped that I had another world to escape to that pulled me out of it and gave me some incentive to move on.
“and black "progress" is subject to what extent the "white man's burden" can determine a threshold of bearable "pain". or how many cultural concessions can the white majority make/give? ..before they b(l)acklash...?”
How bout this: In 2005 EVERYONE is subject to pain. Once 9/11 and the tsunami and countless other natural things we can’t control (people included) happened, the white man’s burden is now all of ours. White dominant culture has been making bad choices for so long that even the goddamn hurricane itself was partly their fault because of the heating of the environment. Fuck concessions: they needed us to build this fucking country and they’ll need us to clean up all the shit hitting the fan…
“I will concede that your thread is far to progressive for this majority-white forum on "MYSPACE" (with all due respect to our white brethren) this is a well worn path of discussion in the back intelligentsia and whites ... “
I disagree: There are many intelligent people of color here and hopefully this discussion will bring them out. Fuck the black intelligentsia. We are PEOPLE. Let us finally be people talking to other people…
This is from one of my friends, a white guy named Guinea Bastard who said: “There is a clear division among race/class in our world, no matter how much the right tries to say things like "Well, there are poor white people, too". I agree, if you are a human being with a dick swinging between your legs, you should have the gumption to stand up and take responsibility, so called " be a man" , but i feel that there is alot of anger and confusion involved in being made to feel some sort of responsibility in a crisis when you have basically been taught that you are of a lower class in this world and you, your family, opinion, and class status really doesnt make a difference in this world. I just saw alot of people displaced, and they were mostly brown faces. Our government fucked this one up very badly, once again. I am also not trying to shoot you or anyone else a dose of that liberal, white guilt(the worst kind of racism)...you are correct, ultimately, you are either a caring human being or you are not. So confusing, these times we live in.”
“They just don't HAVE to study it. this is not to say that they are not capable of comprehending it. they just don't HAVE to. “
But they DO and we as blacks should be healthy enough in ourselves to be able to see it and hear it.
“New Orleans is first a horrible natural disaster. It is also an anachronistic state where old world America and its loathsome past still survives. The poverty and Post-Slavery-era mindset there is painful reminder that this culture is still .. so very young.”
..and yet we are one of the oldest cultures on earth and we still haven’t gotten it… It’s not a coincidence that cities like NO and in Thailand got washed away by the waters of the earth. They were some of the most debauched cities, built for just that purpose. In Yoruba belief, there is the triad of mother goddesses focused on water. Yemaya is the Great Mother of the sea, Oshun the River Mother and Oya, the Goddess of Storms, Rain and Lightning. Right now, with African culture all over the world, we are sick and polluted with our own evil and self-hatred. We are abandoning the spirit for the flesh, we kill our own children heartlessly and even fuck them if our desires can’t be controlled. We use drugs and liquor for hedonistic escapism, we curse each other if one prospers, and go as far as to steal what we did not earn. And now the mothers are cleaning house. Oya and Yemaya let their power be seen through Katrina. Oshun overflowed when her mothers did their work. And many of NO’s elders were the first to be taken back into Yemaya’s arms. The mothers see that, just like 200 years ago, if her children are to survive and grow, they must be taken from where they are and planted somewhere else. Birth is painful. The displaced people who now have to find other cities to start over are the same as their ancestors 150 years ago who wandered the roads of the south after slavery and the Civil War ended, searching for those who were lost to them for years and with no place to go back to...
B’s points are vivid and vaild and this is exactly why I picked this forum (among others) to pose this view. And I respect all the people he mentioned and their contributions. Consider this to be the seed of thought that the ones who really HAVE to learn will eventually get because there will be people on all sides speaking out to support it.
One at a time:
“how could such a height of intellectual growth fall abruptly below sea level?“
Because despite the fact that we are descended from tribal people who lived from the earth, that has all been obliterated from most of our consciousness, like its something that we should be ashamed of. We are embarrassed by the image of the sharecropper, but that was who taught us to get in the attic with the ax in the first place. At least when we were slaves, we could carry ourselves and the whites on our backs and survive regardless of pain and TRUE hardship. Now we wait for others to save us. We also wait for others to dictate how far we should be allowed to progess and anyone who gets past that “progressive” point and gains some power a la Condolezza, aint trying to come back and make it better for anyone. She is the most educated black woman in power right now, carrying out the orders of a war monger. She’s the Ava Braun to Bush’s Hitler…
“how could the east coast black intellectual movement be halted so decisively?“
Maybe because it was just fashionable to be part of the black intellectual movement, paying lip service. Our media models for black intelligence are Oprah, Bill Cosby, and Ozzie Davis (before he died). They have totally lost touch with what needs to be in the black community. And I’ve been to some of these black intellectual forums and all it is black folks using big words to justify and legitimize their educations. It has nothing to do with reform or informing those that need the information. It’s about class and them finally thinking they achieved what they thought would make them credible in the white world.
“how did the west coast become so anti-black and anti black progress?”
I guess it’s the smog.
“why did American blacks abandon their will to progress?”
Because “progress” is based on the “white man’s” view of success and power: Money, Cars, Women, mansions, yachts, owning people and having the power to subject them to shit if you profit from it…Our tribal culture, when we were brought here, was not about that. Yoruba and Ifa belief did not speak of those things. We learned to want those things because that’s what the people who controlled us had. You wanna know why we are up to our necks in that retarded bling culture? Because 20 years ago when Sean Combs and Missy, and Little Kim and the rest were kids they sat in front of the TV in the ghetto and watched shit like Dynasty and Dallas and Lifestyles of the Rich and famous and desperately wanted that. That was what raised them…and now its proliferating into our culture in such a destructive way that the same fucked up over the top problems that used to just be a sensational TV plot IS their actual reality. So real that some of them are doing real jail time…
“did the rise of the political "hispanic" (many who lot who are acutally black) help to water-down specific RACE-based movements in America?”
ENOUGH WITH DRAWING LINES BETWEEN US AND HISPANICS. We are the same people with the same needs. The only difference between blacks and Hispanic culture is that they have a defining language and culture that UNIFIES them. As much as Puerto Ricans and Dominicans swear they are different from each other, they are so not. And these are people who are not that far removed from living close to the land from whatever countries they came from to be here. So that if they are in the situation where they have to fend for themselves, they can. Please admit that many of there blacks we saw in NO waiting for help were the same blacks sitting around before then doing nothing and being supported by help from the government.
“Indeed, even people from India learned to get educated BEFORE coming west.”
OF COURSE! Look at the country they come from that has got us beat by like 6,000 years and how their people are STILL dying in the street from hunger. They come here educated because they have no other choice. I have massive amounts of respect for young Indian people educating themselves and getting those tech jobs because after 6,000 years they may be the force that brings India into another 1,000 years of growth. We should be looking at them and the Asians who work in the stores and restaurants here and educate their children to become our doctors and we should be taking serious notes…
“the African American celebrity culture completely sold out - and continue to sell out their own "race" merely to peddle their wares to the majority of Americans: the non- hispanic, non-Jewish white majority.”
No argument there and we could go on for days citing examples…
“anti- black sentiment is not a new phenomenon. research the success and failure of every black milieu over the last 200 years and you will notice a distinct pattern from step-in-fetch-it to Chicken George.”
Because once a “nigger” gets a taste of power, he will sell his own mama out to keep it.
“black self hatred is inevitable because blacks still exist in this culture at the behest of the white majority.”
That, in 2005, is no longer true and is a cop out. We have more Hispanics, Asians and Blacks combined than white people and maybe if we started waking up to this fact and building commerce and resources amongst those 3 groups…Black people hate themselves because they KNOW what they are doing is a cop out and it don’t sit right in the soul. If you are smoking blunts all day and fucking and stealing and wasting your time chasing money and not getting anywhere, the last person you are going to blame is yourself. I speak from experience: I am intelligent and I went through a self hating time when all I did was have no job and smoke a lot of trees and there was ALWAYS a crew to hang with everyday who did the same shit. And everybody had the same story: It’s hard to be black out here so let’s just smoke this L and commiserate and play video games and do nothing to alter the situation. Eventually, I began to hate my self-loathing and pulled it together. It helped that I had another world to escape to that pulled me out of it and gave me some incentive to move on.
“and black "progress" is subject to what extent the "white man's burden" can determine a threshold of bearable "pain". or how many cultural concessions can the white majority make/give? ..before they b(l)acklash...?”
How bout this: In 2005 EVERYONE is subject to pain. Once 9/11 and the tsunami and countless other natural things we can’t control (people included) happened, the white man’s burden is now all of ours. White dominant culture has been making bad choices for so long that even the goddamn hurricane itself was partly their fault because of the heating of the environment. Fuck concessions: they needed us to build this fucking country and they’ll need us to clean up all the shit hitting the fan…
“I will concede that your thread is far to progressive for this majority-white forum on "MYSPACE" (with all due respect to our white brethren) this is a well worn path of discussion in the back intelligentsia and whites ... “
I disagree: There are many intelligent people of color here and hopefully this discussion will bring them out. Fuck the black intelligentsia. We are PEOPLE. Let us finally be people talking to other people…
This is from one of my friends, a white guy named Guinea Bastard who said: “There is a clear division among race/class in our world, no matter how much the right tries to say things like "Well, there are poor white people, too". I agree, if you are a human being with a dick swinging between your legs, you should have the gumption to stand up and take responsibility, so called " be a man" , but i feel that there is alot of anger and confusion involved in being made to feel some sort of responsibility in a crisis when you have basically been taught that you are of a lower class in this world and you, your family, opinion, and class status really doesnt make a difference in this world. I just saw alot of people displaced, and they were mostly brown faces. Our government fucked this one up very badly, once again. I am also not trying to shoot you or anyone else a dose of that liberal, white guilt(the worst kind of racism)...you are correct, ultimately, you are either a caring human being or you are not. So confusing, these times we live in.”
“They just don't HAVE to study it. this is not to say that they are not capable of comprehending it. they just don't HAVE to. “
But they DO and we as blacks should be healthy enough in ourselves to be able to see it and hear it.
“New Orleans is first a horrible natural disaster. It is also an anachronistic state where old world America and its loathsome past still survives. The poverty and Post-Slavery-era mindset there is painful reminder that this culture is still .. so very young.”
..and yet we are one of the oldest cultures on earth and we still haven’t gotten it… It’s not a coincidence that cities like NO and in Thailand got washed away by the waters of the earth. They were some of the most debauched cities, built for just that purpose. In Yoruba belief, there is the triad of mother goddesses focused on water. Yemaya is the Great Mother of the sea, Oshun the River Mother and Oya, the Goddess of Storms, Rain and Lightning. Right now, with African culture all over the world, we are sick and polluted with our own evil and self-hatred. We are abandoning the spirit for the flesh, we kill our own children heartlessly and even fuck them if our desires can’t be controlled. We use drugs and liquor for hedonistic escapism, we curse each other if one prospers, and go as far as to steal what we did not earn. And now the mothers are cleaning house. Oya and Yemaya let their power be seen through Katrina. Oshun overflowed when her mothers did their work. And many of NO’s elders were the first to be taken back into Yemaya’s arms. The mothers see that, just like 200 years ago, if her children are to survive and grow, they must be taken from where they are and planted somewhere else. Birth is painful. The displaced people who now have to find other cities to start over are the same as their ancestors 150 years ago who wandered the roads of the south after slavery and the Civil War ended, searching for those who were lost to them for years and with no place to go back to...
The "Nigger" must die...
Some people thought I was being melodramatic about the New Orleans looting thing. BUT watchin CNN yesterday and this really cute arab guy who owns a hotel there told the story of 8 cops who basicaly bogarted the hotel, threatned people, patched into what little electricity there was to run a fridge to keep stolen beers cold, kicked in doors and pulled guns on folks cause they were missing a muffin or some shit. THEN the motherfuckers took a school bus from the Superdome (cause it's the only thing that could run in all that water) and went around all night breaking into people's houses and stealing their shit. They packed the school bus with all the shit they stole, and left all those poor people to fend for themselves. Busses filled with all the momentos of other people's abandoned lives for what? Some greedy psychotic niggers with badges?
It's time someone said this: JUST BY THE NATURE OF THE FACTS CAN YOU TELL THESE ARE BLACK MEN. AND they asked the police chief what the hell he's gonna do about it and the assholes are trying to keep up that Code of Police Honor by saying "we don't have all the facts and that it was mistaken identity" FUCK THAT!
I was standing in line for the express bus the other day on my way to work. Anyone who has taken one of these busses knows you wait in line, first come, first serve. Well, here comes this big sweaty nigga with his work shirt open so you can see his big gut and the mutherfucker just jumps right in front of me on line and starts kicking it to this Dominican girl. So I'm like "Yo, money...there's line". This fuck starts trying to be like "Oh no, you don't have to wait on line, you can do what you want, ma." My response: "Oh, so if I kick you in your nuts and get on this bus in front of you, it's all good then, right?" Now he doesn't know what to say cause HE GOT CALLED OUT and the rest of the ride he and the girl do everything they can to get attention, so loud that someone had to ask them to shut the fuck up. He wasn't a kid..this nigga had to be in his 40's.
Getting off the train at 42nd street and there's an escalator that most people step to the right on so others in a hurry can walk up on the left. Again, another evil middle aged nigga mutherfucker, refused to step over to the right so this girl could walk past him. He says to her "Unless you can fly honey, you aint going nowhere". That's when I, cause I'm always in a hurry, am like "Fuck that, 'scuse me." and try to push past him. This nigga actually hit me in the arm and I lost it right there in Grand Central. "Who do you think you are you old fuck?!! I should have our ass arrested for assualt!" He tried to argue back but the sight of a loud dready gyal calling him an old punk ass decrepit peice of shit just embarassed him and he slithered away.
Trying to cash my check and there's MAD people cause it's Friday at like 2pm. The place is packed and there are maybe 5 people ahead of me and these ghetto girls at the back of the line. One of the tellers opens her window and says next on line. The two ghetto bitches run up to the front. Who do you think said something? Of course, me. I say directly to them "There are people who have been waiting here all this time, and how do you jump in front of them?" One bitch gets embarrased and says she'll cash it later and quickly leaves, while the more niggerish of the two starts sucking her teeth and rolling her neck and, I swear to god, broke into a full blown dance on line like "haha, I'm before you" to which I reply "You ignorant bitch." The old black man in front of me shruggs his shoulders like "whatcha gonna do, eh?." "This is exactly the reason the world treats us like we are dumb animals that need to be saved cause stupid bitches like her do shit like this and our elders don't check them." He said nothing, got embarrassed, the whole line looked at the floor cause they knew it was the truth, and the stupid bitch didn't even get it. She just jumped in front of someone else.
Here's what it comes down to: Black people gained money and fame and lost all sense of humility and shame. It used to be back in the days as a black person in this country, the last thing you wanted to do was set the race back. If you fucked up, there was many people ready to whoop yo ass cause you embarrassed yourself and your people. Now, with Bobby and Whitney, and ads on BET telling black people "pay yo damn cable bill so you can watch (insert really corny ass show here)...", New Orleans niggas looting, there's no sense of class... even fucking OPRAH bugging out and getting diva cause she wasn't let into a store that was CLOSING for the day, and called and dragged the president of the store's company on her show to berate him, holding the fact that she can tell all those bored middle aged white women not to shop there over his head...She has completely lost touch with reality. I'm very ashamed to be black right now and more ashamed of the generation before us that allowed it to get this bad...
It's time someone said this: JUST BY THE NATURE OF THE FACTS CAN YOU TELL THESE ARE BLACK MEN. AND they asked the police chief what the hell he's gonna do about it and the assholes are trying to keep up that Code of Police Honor by saying "we don't have all the facts and that it was mistaken identity" FUCK THAT!
I was standing in line for the express bus the other day on my way to work. Anyone who has taken one of these busses knows you wait in line, first come, first serve. Well, here comes this big sweaty nigga with his work shirt open so you can see his big gut and the mutherfucker just jumps right in front of me on line and starts kicking it to this Dominican girl. So I'm like "Yo, money...there's line". This fuck starts trying to be like "Oh no, you don't have to wait on line, you can do what you want, ma." My response: "Oh, so if I kick you in your nuts and get on this bus in front of you, it's all good then, right?" Now he doesn't know what to say cause HE GOT CALLED OUT and the rest of the ride he and the girl do everything they can to get attention, so loud that someone had to ask them to shut the fuck up. He wasn't a kid..this nigga had to be in his 40's.
Getting off the train at 42nd street and there's an escalator that most people step to the right on so others in a hurry can walk up on the left. Again, another evil middle aged nigga mutherfucker, refused to step over to the right so this girl could walk past him. He says to her "Unless you can fly honey, you aint going nowhere". That's when I, cause I'm always in a hurry, am like "Fuck that, 'scuse me." and try to push past him. This nigga actually hit me in the arm and I lost it right there in Grand Central. "Who do you think you are you old fuck?!! I should have our ass arrested for assualt!" He tried to argue back but the sight of a loud dready gyal calling him an old punk ass decrepit peice of shit just embarassed him and he slithered away.
Trying to cash my check and there's MAD people cause it's Friday at like 2pm. The place is packed and there are maybe 5 people ahead of me and these ghetto girls at the back of the line. One of the tellers opens her window and says next on line. The two ghetto bitches run up to the front. Who do you think said something? Of course, me. I say directly to them "There are people who have been waiting here all this time, and how do you jump in front of them?" One bitch gets embarrased and says she'll cash it later and quickly leaves, while the more niggerish of the two starts sucking her teeth and rolling her neck and, I swear to god, broke into a full blown dance on line like "haha, I'm before you" to which I reply "You ignorant bitch." The old black man in front of me shruggs his shoulders like "whatcha gonna do, eh?." "This is exactly the reason the world treats us like we are dumb animals that need to be saved cause stupid bitches like her do shit like this and our elders don't check them." He said nothing, got embarrassed, the whole line looked at the floor cause they knew it was the truth, and the stupid bitch didn't even get it. She just jumped in front of someone else.
Here's what it comes down to: Black people gained money and fame and lost all sense of humility and shame. It used to be back in the days as a black person in this country, the last thing you wanted to do was set the race back. If you fucked up, there was many people ready to whoop yo ass cause you embarrassed yourself and your people. Now, with Bobby and Whitney, and ads on BET telling black people "pay yo damn cable bill so you can watch (insert really corny ass show here)...", New Orleans niggas looting, there's no sense of class... even fucking OPRAH bugging out and getting diva cause she wasn't let into a store that was CLOSING for the day, and called and dragged the president of the store's company on her show to berate him, holding the fact that she can tell all those bored middle aged white women not to shop there over his head...She has completely lost touch with reality. I'm very ashamed to be black right now and more ashamed of the generation before us that allowed it to get this bad...
Katrina's Wake
I haven't really written here since all the horrible events in New Orleans. I figured there was enough being said and done and that I would refrain from writing any scathing indictments of the Government. You can turn on the TV for that.
Instead I am writing about the more insidious damage this tragedy has wrought.
1) Why is there no one among all the wealthy black public figures addressing the fact that Black men completely left the saving of black women and children to the government? Where weren't all the adult black men at the Superdome getting organized and at least trying to protect the innocents there? Why were little kids allow to be raped and killed and their ankles broken so they could not walk? When CNN interviewed a heliocopter commander and asked him what the biggest impediment to airlifting folks to safety his response was "The men. They were practically fighting each other to get on first, leaving the women and babies and sick to wait." They had to actually turn guns on them to force them off so they could load the others. The scope of this tragedy was huge and everyone was hungry and scared. But what the fuck was the point of shit like the Million Man March if all black men are going to do is snap and leave us to die? We had to look to white and latino faces to show us compassion while half of our men stole guns, drugs, liquor and TV's, raped babies and shot at the people sent there to help them, and the other half too scared or old to check them. The thug is alllowed to run free in this country because other black men don't have the guts to come together. They will kill each other over some dumb shit they said in a mediocre song, but when real tragedy hits and we needed them, they lost it and there is no one to step up and hold them accountable. I was so angry that I thought of cutting my locks, joining the National Guard and picking up the gun. If I see any black man with a gun in his hand and his dick in a child, he's getting mercked before he even knew I was watching him. If ya'll won't do it, then sistahs will also regress into our animal nature and hunt you down like a pack of armed lionesses. WORD TO THE IG'NANT BRUH'S: The future may bring you no other choice but to fuck white and asian chicks cause no black woman worth her salt is going to trust that she'll be safe with you and look elsewhere herself.
2) There are folks out there using the hurricane and misery to push their agendas and religion on others in some weird doomsday plot to get everyone ready for god. I have an ex-friend so haughty, narrow minded and bored after a not so special reunion between us where I called to reconnect with her, she basically told me she has to pray to god first before she can make a decision to see her and that I must first prove my self worthy of her company now that she dwells with the Lord. After I tell her no thank you and that it was a mistake, the psycho sends people on her mailing list the following:
"Loved ones,
Hurricane Katrina has started a trend: Reunions. As we watch with tears of joy in our eyes families losing and finding their loved ones, we feel drawn to reach for our own telephones and mouses to reconnect with those we've not heard from but often think about. Although I live in a part of the South that has not been touched by this devastation (except for our hearts), my phone has been ringing off the hook. I love and appreciate that people are thinking about me. It warms my heart to be cared about by people I've neglected or whom I wondered if I'd ever hear from again. I, too, am reaching out. I've been on the phones and computer to just about all of my California pals. Some I haven't spoken to since 2003 when I left California. I love the way the Lord works. What Satan means for evil (Death, destruction), God makes good (Reunion, Revival, Repentance). Here is a prayer for anyone toying with the idea of hosting a long lost pal or family member -- be they victims seeking shelter from the storm, old flames trying to worm their way back into your heart/bed, or just a well-meaning friend digging through the rubble of burnt bridges:
LORD, REVEAL THE TRUTH OF (PERON'S NAME)'S CHARACTER TO ME. OPEN MY EYES TO SEE HIM/HER AS YOU SEE THEM. IF I AM ABOUT TO GET INTO AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE, SHOW ME. I WANT YOUR FAVOR ON EVERY PART OF MY LIFE. PROVIDE ME WITH AN OUT IF I NEED ONE.
God is our father. For some of us, He's the only father we've ever known. Let Him protect you like a good father does. Consult God often."
So don't have unconditional love for anyone who is seeking to connect and build a bond or who may be searching for a refuge. No, hold them at arms length while you ask god how he sees them so you can have an excuse to judge them and therefore have a way OUT of helping them if they don't suit you. The fact that she used the tragedy of the hurricane and suffering to make that point makes me so sick that I even thought of her at all, and sad that she has a child that is going to grow up with a self aggrandizing hypocrite fraud with no original thoughts of her own, co-opting god as a means to her own importance. This is just as bad as Richard Simmons going on National TV to have a breakdown about the safety of his brother from the hurricane when it is documented that his brother got out of NO days BEFORE the storm and was safe all along. You should have seen the shameless way that idiot broke down, and his brother playing along in front of the cameras after having said "You knew we were out of harm's way before.."
3) Anyone who is suprised that the goverment is unprepared and run by morons should be shot.
Instead I am writing about the more insidious damage this tragedy has wrought.
1) Why is there no one among all the wealthy black public figures addressing the fact that Black men completely left the saving of black women and children to the government? Where weren't all the adult black men at the Superdome getting organized and at least trying to protect the innocents there? Why were little kids allow to be raped and killed and their ankles broken so they could not walk? When CNN interviewed a heliocopter commander and asked him what the biggest impediment to airlifting folks to safety his response was "The men. They were practically fighting each other to get on first, leaving the women and babies and sick to wait." They had to actually turn guns on them to force them off so they could load the others. The scope of this tragedy was huge and everyone was hungry and scared. But what the fuck was the point of shit like the Million Man March if all black men are going to do is snap and leave us to die? We had to look to white and latino faces to show us compassion while half of our men stole guns, drugs, liquor and TV's, raped babies and shot at the people sent there to help them, and the other half too scared or old to check them. The thug is alllowed to run free in this country because other black men don't have the guts to come together. They will kill each other over some dumb shit they said in a mediocre song, but when real tragedy hits and we needed them, they lost it and there is no one to step up and hold them accountable. I was so angry that I thought of cutting my locks, joining the National Guard and picking up the gun. If I see any black man with a gun in his hand and his dick in a child, he's getting mercked before he even knew I was watching him. If ya'll won't do it, then sistahs will also regress into our animal nature and hunt you down like a pack of armed lionesses. WORD TO THE IG'NANT BRUH'S: The future may bring you no other choice but to fuck white and asian chicks cause no black woman worth her salt is going to trust that she'll be safe with you and look elsewhere herself.
2) There are folks out there using the hurricane and misery to push their agendas and religion on others in some weird doomsday plot to get everyone ready for god. I have an ex-friend so haughty, narrow minded and bored after a not so special reunion between us where I called to reconnect with her, she basically told me she has to pray to god first before she can make a decision to see her and that I must first prove my self worthy of her company now that she dwells with the Lord. After I tell her no thank you and that it was a mistake, the psycho sends people on her mailing list the following:
"Loved ones,
Hurricane Katrina has started a trend: Reunions. As we watch with tears of joy in our eyes families losing and finding their loved ones, we feel drawn to reach for our own telephones and mouses to reconnect with those we've not heard from but often think about. Although I live in a part of the South that has not been touched by this devastation (except for our hearts), my phone has been ringing off the hook. I love and appreciate that people are thinking about me. It warms my heart to be cared about by people I've neglected or whom I wondered if I'd ever hear from again. I, too, am reaching out. I've been on the phones and computer to just about all of my California pals. Some I haven't spoken to since 2003 when I left California. I love the way the Lord works. What Satan means for evil (Death, destruction), God makes good (Reunion, Revival, Repentance). Here is a prayer for anyone toying with the idea of hosting a long lost pal or family member -- be they victims seeking shelter from the storm, old flames trying to worm their way back into your heart/bed, or just a well-meaning friend digging through the rubble of burnt bridges:
LORD, REVEAL THE TRUTH OF (PERON'S NAME)'S CHARACTER TO ME. OPEN MY EYES TO SEE HIM/HER AS YOU SEE THEM. IF I AM ABOUT TO GET INTO AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE, SHOW ME. I WANT YOUR FAVOR ON EVERY PART OF MY LIFE. PROVIDE ME WITH AN OUT IF I NEED ONE.
God is our father. For some of us, He's the only father we've ever known. Let Him protect you like a good father does. Consult God often."
So don't have unconditional love for anyone who is seeking to connect and build a bond or who may be searching for a refuge. No, hold them at arms length while you ask god how he sees them so you can have an excuse to judge them and therefore have a way OUT of helping them if they don't suit you. The fact that she used the tragedy of the hurricane and suffering to make that point makes me so sick that I even thought of her at all, and sad that she has a child that is going to grow up with a self aggrandizing hypocrite fraud with no original thoughts of her own, co-opting god as a means to her own importance. This is just as bad as Richard Simmons going on National TV to have a breakdown about the safety of his brother from the hurricane when it is documented that his brother got out of NO days BEFORE the storm and was safe all along. You should have seen the shameless way that idiot broke down, and his brother playing along in front of the cameras after having said "You knew we were out of harm's way before.."
3) Anyone who is suprised that the goverment is unprepared and run by morons should be shot.
One year and going strong...
This is the beginning of another turn of the wheel and if you have been following this blog, you'd know what a year it's been. A brief catch-up:
1). My friend that had the retarded boyfriend with the drugs and the Satan and all: A mutual friend had a great BBQ and invited her and her man. I was really happy to see her and I think she was just as happy to see me. HE, however, would do creepy shit like walk off into the distance and stare at me like I was supposed to speak to him. I had nothing to say. I was just glad she was ok and we were still cool. And really, I had no reason to be mad at her, other than not understanding why'd she'd picked a phlegm like him. But she explained to me that once her dad died, she kinda got depressed and experienced her own form of setback. I could relate. We both had to start back at one in a sense. Who knows what the glue is that keeps people together. I just hope that we can have our friendship back it tact without me having to know or like this guy.
2). Last year at this time I was having a bitter battle with my family and myself about the future. Was living with my grandmother, had no money or job and had the last straw (which is what sent me to my friend's house and her sick boyfriend). Of course, I have to take the blame for that situation cause if I hadn't been in my own fucked mind set, I would've never had to go there at all. But, like everything, there is a reason and the reason was me having to get over them and their problems and focus on my own.
3). I was just terribly unhappy..(see above). More than that, I had no happy people around me to learn from. All I had was people in various states of misery medicating themselves into acceptance and thinking that life is always like this and there's no hope. There was never a shortage of those people around. Even people I thought had it together were operating in misery mode, albeit with more money and things around them.
What a difference a year makes. Work picked up, I live somewhere that I actually enjoy and life is good. I'm going to make a serious effort to write about more uplifting things. I was becoming Queen of the Dammed for a minute, ya know?
Happy Anniversary...
Something's just not right...
I’m trying to get amped for spring, but something’s gone off a bit. Watching politicians and religious people get pious and holier than thou with the Terri Shiavo thing. It was a hard situation, but why’d it get turned into this biblical debate for life and death? The creepy, obvious irony of her whole situation is that she was in that “vegatative state” because she starved herself and had a heart attack from lack of potassium. In the end, she starved and the country used that for their own purposes. That was the ultimate crime in all this. The poor soul sat there and dried up and everyone took up the mantle. They’ll never attack the root of the problem being why she had to be so thin that it basically killed her.
Then there’s all the evangelical fervor growing in this country. People are sheep and the trend that is being followed now is getting God cause you’re scared and need to be aligned with something. Meanwhile, there are unscurpulous people making millions selling God to the faithful. I was always a NOVA geek, and the latest one was about the tsunami. Besides the tragedy, something else jumped out at me and made an impression. Scientists say that the earthquake in the Indian Ocean that triggered the tsunami was so strong that not only did the earth wobble, but that day was shorter because the wobble was so great that it made the earth spin faster. I’m a firm believer of “as above, so below”, and saw that as an indicator of what’s happening to mankind right now.
Many of our beliefs and misconceptions about life, living and dying are being challenged en masse in blunt, in-your-face ways. It’s like since 9/11, we have been barraged with an onslaught of mass death on a scale that we can’t take. Yes, we had world wars before and many people died in them. There have been tragedies since the beginning of recorded time. But something about now is disturbing. We are witnessing the kind of death that we can no longer justify in our minds. We previously accepted death through war because there’s a duty and tradition to it we can all relate to. Mothers have always sent their boys to war and lived with the possibility that their baby may die a hopefully honorable death. They resigned themselves to getting the folded flag and suffering nobly that their child died for a cause.
Not the generations now in America. Baby Boomers who spent their youth protesting war have not only have to face the painful fact that it was all for naught, but they are burying their children as a result. One mother brought me to tears when she sobbed on the news that she can’t understand why her child had to die in this war. “Ok, so the Iraqi people have the vote and democracy, but I lost my baby. Why?”
It leaves me feeling tired and weary. When we were younger, no matter how shitty your present was, there was always this hopeful future that kept you going. You always felt that it sucks now, but it’ll get better later. Maybe it’s cause I got older. It just doesn’t feel all that hopeful. I see this country sliding down the following tubes:
Reality shows are all over the place now because real reality is so horrifying that you don’t mind watching other people make dicks of themselves. I hate watching these things and watching manipulative, passive aggressive, narcisisstic assholes pretend they don’t know where the camera is.
Women, especially caucasian women, will have a collective nervous breakdown. They will realize that they’ve been starving themselves and cutting into themselves, and placing all their hopes on their titties and asses and it will eat them alive like a cancer. There are women all over the world who are treated worse than animals, meanwhile American women are getting shit shot into their lips. It seems so retarded.
Michael Jackson ain’t gonna make it out of this one alive.
The Pope, no matter how corrupt the Church got, was a great soul. I am not a practitioner of Christianity, but the Pope and Mother Theresa were the last Pure Christians that I admire. The other was Joan of Arc, but not for the obvious reasons. Joan was, when you strip away dogma and idealism, just a teenage girl who if you use what we know now, was probably bi-polar or schitzophrenic. She heard voices, had gender confusion, grandiose manic highs of victory and catatonic lows. The vital difference was her personality and faith led armies to victory. It also led to her untimely demise. She is the poster child for the crash and burn mentality, if you see the similarities. She was lionized, but she was a kid. A scared, confused, passionate, crazy kid. There were those who served under her that loved her more when she was found to be female, but it couldn’t make them save her. She seems like a real person to be in a surreal situation.
So too with the Pope. With all the vestments and holiness surrounding him, you felt like he was a grandpa-like man who really did love the children of the world and suffered for them. All the corruption and vileness of preists’ conduct didn’t apply to him. He was a pure soul. When I learned how he was as a kid in Poland, and the wars, and his faith, I was really moved to tears. He was the youngest man to become Pope and was the first non-italian. You have to be pretty friggin’ holy to do that. AND take a bullet and LIVE and FORGIVE the guy?! Have Parkinson’s (which my abuelita died of), and still try to be lucid and heal others. His papacy witnessed some of the most pivital, life altering events and we always counted on knowing what the Pope felt about it. No matter how warped religion gets or how corrupt, I will always have Joan, John Paul, Theresa to remind me of what the true meaning is. Along with Budda, and Shiva, and Yemaya, and Oshun, and Mary, and Isis, and on and on and on….BUT how creepy is it that they laid him out without enbalming him. Laying there ripening in the hot Italian sun...yeeech..
Saw something on TV about a guy that worked at group home. He saw the file of a pedofile in the home and saw that he admitted he would get high, drunk and mess with kids. IN WRITING. So he copied the file and contacted the authorities about it. Technically, he violated the confidentiality law, but he was trying to avert a disaster by notifying someone. Wasn’t found guilty of anything, but lost his job. Gained the respect of a whole town who thought he did the right thing and it made me wonder if I wouldn’t have done it too.
Found out yesterday that one of my favorite up and coming comedians died. If any of you knew the comedy of Mitch Hedberg, you knew the guy was cool and funny as hell. He was like this great mix of Bill Hicks and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Since I was on one of communication blackouts for the last month, I just found this out yesterday and was completely bummed out. He was only 37 and it’s a damn shame.
It just ain't right..
Then there’s all the evangelical fervor growing in this country. People are sheep and the trend that is being followed now is getting God cause you’re scared and need to be aligned with something. Meanwhile, there are unscurpulous people making millions selling God to the faithful. I was always a NOVA geek, and the latest one was about the tsunami. Besides the tragedy, something else jumped out at me and made an impression. Scientists say that the earthquake in the Indian Ocean that triggered the tsunami was so strong that not only did the earth wobble, but that day was shorter because the wobble was so great that it made the earth spin faster. I’m a firm believer of “as above, so below”, and saw that as an indicator of what’s happening to mankind right now.
Many of our beliefs and misconceptions about life, living and dying are being challenged en masse in blunt, in-your-face ways. It’s like since 9/11, we have been barraged with an onslaught of mass death on a scale that we can’t take. Yes, we had world wars before and many people died in them. There have been tragedies since the beginning of recorded time. But something about now is disturbing. We are witnessing the kind of death that we can no longer justify in our minds. We previously accepted death through war because there’s a duty and tradition to it we can all relate to. Mothers have always sent their boys to war and lived with the possibility that their baby may die a hopefully honorable death. They resigned themselves to getting the folded flag and suffering nobly that their child died for a cause.
Not the generations now in America. Baby Boomers who spent their youth protesting war have not only have to face the painful fact that it was all for naught, but they are burying their children as a result. One mother brought me to tears when she sobbed on the news that she can’t understand why her child had to die in this war. “Ok, so the Iraqi people have the vote and democracy, but I lost my baby. Why?”
It leaves me feeling tired and weary. When we were younger, no matter how shitty your present was, there was always this hopeful future that kept you going. You always felt that it sucks now, but it’ll get better later. Maybe it’s cause I got older. It just doesn’t feel all that hopeful. I see this country sliding down the following tubes:
Reality shows are all over the place now because real reality is so horrifying that you don’t mind watching other people make dicks of themselves. I hate watching these things and watching manipulative, passive aggressive, narcisisstic assholes pretend they don’t know where the camera is.
Women, especially caucasian women, will have a collective nervous breakdown. They will realize that they’ve been starving themselves and cutting into themselves, and placing all their hopes on their titties and asses and it will eat them alive like a cancer. There are women all over the world who are treated worse than animals, meanwhile American women are getting shit shot into their lips. It seems so retarded.
Michael Jackson ain’t gonna make it out of this one alive.
The Pope, no matter how corrupt the Church got, was a great soul. I am not a practitioner of Christianity, but the Pope and Mother Theresa were the last Pure Christians that I admire. The other was Joan of Arc, but not for the obvious reasons. Joan was, when you strip away dogma and idealism, just a teenage girl who if you use what we know now, was probably bi-polar or schitzophrenic. She heard voices, had gender confusion, grandiose manic highs of victory and catatonic lows. The vital difference was her personality and faith led armies to victory. It also led to her untimely demise. She is the poster child for the crash and burn mentality, if you see the similarities. She was lionized, but she was a kid. A scared, confused, passionate, crazy kid. There were those who served under her that loved her more when she was found to be female, but it couldn’t make them save her. She seems like a real person to be in a surreal situation.
So too with the Pope. With all the vestments and holiness surrounding him, you felt like he was a grandpa-like man who really did love the children of the world and suffered for them. All the corruption and vileness of preists’ conduct didn’t apply to him. He was a pure soul. When I learned how he was as a kid in Poland, and the wars, and his faith, I was really moved to tears. He was the youngest man to become Pope and was the first non-italian. You have to be pretty friggin’ holy to do that. AND take a bullet and LIVE and FORGIVE the guy?! Have Parkinson’s (which my abuelita died of), and still try to be lucid and heal others. His papacy witnessed some of the most pivital, life altering events and we always counted on knowing what the Pope felt about it. No matter how warped religion gets or how corrupt, I will always have Joan, John Paul, Theresa to remind me of what the true meaning is. Along with Budda, and Shiva, and Yemaya, and Oshun, and Mary, and Isis, and on and on and on….BUT how creepy is it that they laid him out without enbalming him. Laying there ripening in the hot Italian sun...yeeech..
Saw something on TV about a guy that worked at group home. He saw the file of a pedofile in the home and saw that he admitted he would get high, drunk and mess with kids. IN WRITING. So he copied the file and contacted the authorities about it. Technically, he violated the confidentiality law, but he was trying to avert a disaster by notifying someone. Wasn’t found guilty of anything, but lost his job. Gained the respect of a whole town who thought he did the right thing and it made me wonder if I wouldn’t have done it too.
Found out yesterday that one of my favorite up and coming comedians died. If any of you knew the comedy of Mitch Hedberg, you knew the guy was cool and funny as hell. He was like this great mix of Bill Hicks and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Since I was on one of communication blackouts for the last month, I just found this out yesterday and was completely bummed out. He was only 37 and it’s a damn shame.
It just ain't right..
Got Evil?
I read these stories FROM THE SAME DAY in the Daily News and shuddered...
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284403p-243554c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284410p-243472c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284411p-243569c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284414p-243541c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284415p-243483c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284416p-243469c.html
It made me wonder: Were people always this evil, or are borderline people snapping? It seems so brutal. At least in the Dark Ages when they tortured you, they had a whole system of belief that supported it somehow. But these people are ...well, for lack of a better word, evil. But just what IS evil?
Is it some red guy in a fiery place that whispers in your ear and makes you do bad things? Or is it the simple brutal truth..some people, some seemingly normal, nice, funny charismatic people could just as easily turn on you in a brutal vicious spiteful way. Or look the other way when some more evil fuck is torturing someone. One can only imagine finding another evil one to do shit like tie up a kid, beat the shit out of him, cut him, burn him and letting him die OVER A SINGLE DOLLAR. That these people could engage in a simple affair or relationship and rather than leave indignantly when it goes sour, they kill them. That was the only option for them...you have to die. You can't be with anyone else, so you must die violently. To be so evil that you get sentenced to jail and giggle. Are you crazy? Insane? Retarded? or did you just snap and decide "Ok..I know I'm going to get caught, I know I'll go to jail and maybe even get put to death, but you cannot be allowed to live. To kill another is about the worst karmic thing you can do. If you killed someone indirectly or without specific malice, or even by accident, you have guilt over it because you meant no harm. But some DO mean harm. Some LOVE harm. Some need harm. These are not raving lunatics who talk to themselves. These are people you think you knew. When they hear that they've done something that extreme, they can't understand it. It's such a shock that they would kill in such a cruel way.
What came over them? Remember my ex-friend with the drugged-out boyfriend I lived with (see "Chicks are losing their shit"? Satanism, and drugs and boredom. Her father was getting sicker and she insisted on bringing this kid to the hospital. She even got mad and decided that she was "stepping off on the family" cause they wouldn't accept this person who was so selfish and fucked up that his being fawned over was more important than a very sick father who wanted to see his daughter. So she stepped off. And two weeks later he was dead. Those precious moments of closure that she could have had if she left this jerk behind to deal with, instead was spent losing a lot of weight, her job, her family, her sanity, and her independence. And she doesn't care. She obviously doesn't care. If she did, and had the strength to see through this illusion, she would have ran far away. But instead, if he goes down, so does she. On the Satan tip, remember the charm she made for him?. It was a lock of her hair woven into wire with tiny handcuff clasps. Black candles with $100 bills under them. She put that energy out there and now she's paying for it. People who knew her well are in agreement: She's not the same person. She's the shell of that person. She was always thin, but now she's gaunt. Bones. Her phone, in the 8 years I've know her, rarely got cut off. Was when someone tried to get a hold of her recently, tho. They tried to go to her job to get in touch and they were like "We love her, but she might have to get fired cause she hasn't been showing up." A complete 180 degree flip.
I'd like to think I was spiritually evolved enough to not reduce things to good and evil. There are blurred areas, especially in the realm of politics and religion. But there is something happening to people that is making them do horrific things. We have war overseas, and people here killing in heinous ways. That can't be good, can it?
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284403p-243554c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284410p-243472c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284411p-243569c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284414p-243541c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284415p-243483c.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/284416p-243469c.html
It made me wonder: Were people always this evil, or are borderline people snapping? It seems so brutal. At least in the Dark Ages when they tortured you, they had a whole system of belief that supported it somehow. But these people are ...well, for lack of a better word, evil. But just what IS evil?
Is it some red guy in a fiery place that whispers in your ear and makes you do bad things? Or is it the simple brutal truth..some people, some seemingly normal, nice, funny charismatic people could just as easily turn on you in a brutal vicious spiteful way. Or look the other way when some more evil fuck is torturing someone. One can only imagine finding another evil one to do shit like tie up a kid, beat the shit out of him, cut him, burn him and letting him die OVER A SINGLE DOLLAR. That these people could engage in a simple affair or relationship and rather than leave indignantly when it goes sour, they kill them. That was the only option for them...you have to die. You can't be with anyone else, so you must die violently. To be so evil that you get sentenced to jail and giggle. Are you crazy? Insane? Retarded? or did you just snap and decide "Ok..I know I'm going to get caught, I know I'll go to jail and maybe even get put to death, but you cannot be allowed to live. To kill another is about the worst karmic thing you can do. If you killed someone indirectly or without specific malice, or even by accident, you have guilt over it because you meant no harm. But some DO mean harm. Some LOVE harm. Some need harm. These are not raving lunatics who talk to themselves. These are people you think you knew. When they hear that they've done something that extreme, they can't understand it. It's such a shock that they would kill in such a cruel way.
What came over them? Remember my ex-friend with the drugged-out boyfriend I lived with (see "Chicks are losing their shit"? Satanism, and drugs and boredom. Her father was getting sicker and she insisted on bringing this kid to the hospital. She even got mad and decided that she was "stepping off on the family" cause they wouldn't accept this person who was so selfish and fucked up that his being fawned over was more important than a very sick father who wanted to see his daughter. So she stepped off. And two weeks later he was dead. Those precious moments of closure that she could have had if she left this jerk behind to deal with, instead was spent losing a lot of weight, her job, her family, her sanity, and her independence. And she doesn't care. She obviously doesn't care. If she did, and had the strength to see through this illusion, she would have ran far away. But instead, if he goes down, so does she. On the Satan tip, remember the charm she made for him?. It was a lock of her hair woven into wire with tiny handcuff clasps. Black candles with $100 bills under them. She put that energy out there and now she's paying for it. People who knew her well are in agreement: She's not the same person. She's the shell of that person. She was always thin, but now she's gaunt. Bones. Her phone, in the 8 years I've know her, rarely got cut off. Was when someone tried to get a hold of her recently, tho. They tried to go to her job to get in touch and they were like "We love her, but she might have to get fired cause she hasn't been showing up." A complete 180 degree flip.
I'd like to think I was spiritually evolved enough to not reduce things to good and evil. There are blurred areas, especially in the realm of politics and religion. But there is something happening to people that is making them do horrific things. We have war overseas, and people here killing in heinous ways. That can't be good, can it?
Some of my photos and artwork
Click on the header above to see some stuff I've done. I am going back and finding old work so this will be growing. I'm also getting back into doing new stuff like t-shirts and flyers. Enjoy.
Music as therapy..
Since I've been away, I've been having my ususal ups and downs. I could go into gory detail, and at some point I will, but in the midst of all this conflict and having to adapt to situations I wasn't terribly happy with, I managed to find pleasant distractions. One of them being music. I would find a quiet time, usually late at night into the morning hours, much like now. I seem to be more creative at night. My promotions work is done under Nephthys One Media Managment, Nephthys being one of the Goddesses of Night.
So in these late, quiet times, I'd get on my laptop and play with Reason. I can't say more about these programs. If you can get your hands on one of them, give yourself the patience to learn it. Think of it as a music toy and you can play things however you like. The trick is to actually have a good ear for melody and rhythm and harmony and such. I have to give credit to people I remember stimulating me with music.
The first are my uncles. They were teenagers when I was born, and they had very eclectic tastes for black men in the early 70's. They, and my parents, listened to the Beatles and Zepplin and the Doors and The Faces and all these tripped out UK bands. My first official favorite band was The Police. I was 9. My uncle brought Outlandos D'Amour and Zenyatta Mondatta and I literally fell in love with it. It was the first music where I really understood the lyrics and the music mezmerized me. Then I fell in love with Jimi Hendrix after a friend taped every song he ever made and gave it to me for my birthday. I was convinced that if only I had been alive and an adult when he was, he would still be here. What a cosmic joke that the man of my dreams died when I was 10 months old. Then I went through a MAJOR Beatles phase, just around the whole 20 anniversary of the Summer of Love stuff. I hippied out and decided that Paul is my favorite, John was a genius in his own right, and George kinda creeped me out, but I grew to dig his vibe. Ringo doesn't make any impression on me. He's like the Shemp of the Beatles.
I also had a great 5th grade teacher named Mr. Kolataze at P.S. 97 in the Bronx. I had moved there in the mid- 4th grade, so I was the New Girl. That year was tough. I had come from a school in Yonkers that was one of those progressive schools with no walls and split grade classes. I could read very well when I went to kindergarten so they had me go to 3rd grade reading classes. I was in a class where it was high functioning 4th graders and mid fuctioning 5th graders. I guess the idea was that somewhere in the middle they could close the gap. Seemed to work, from what I remember. Very different from an old 85 year old school with traditional wooden desks and the big creaky windows that you needed a long stick to open. I went from New Age to Old School, and I stuck out. But I was still bright and got along. In the 5th grade, I had Kolataze and I knew right away it was going to be a cool year. He was tall, lean, good looking and had longish hair and he was a piano player who LOVED Beethoven. Had a bust of him right on the piano in the classroom. He could play his ass off and he would take bee pollen in the middle of class and taught us to play Song of Joy on the recorder and did cool shit like play the soundtrack to The Shining beacause it was all Bela Bartok music. I was 10 and listening to Bartok and sneaking to watch the movie so I could see what I heard. AND we still managed to learn all our other subjects. He was the kind of teacher I liked..they knew when to be serious and when to be really cool and you did well in his class cause you really wanted to. You felt like the cool stuff was the bonus for doing the boring stuff. That was the year Lennon got killed and the guy was destroyed. He just sat at the piano and played slow, sad Beatles stuff and we listened to Sgt Pepper, and I really understood how deep music was. He was so cool that he even dated someone's mom at school. It was the talk of 1980. Mrs. Andrucki. Either widowed or divorced or maybe still married, who knows. One of her daughters was a year ahead of me and one a year behind. The got one look at each other and it was a wrap. The last time I ran into him in the 90's, they were still together.
So, now I sit here and experiment my own. Once I figure out which site I can load it to, you'll hear it. Soon Come..
So in these late, quiet times, I'd get on my laptop and play with Reason. I can't say more about these programs. If you can get your hands on one of them, give yourself the patience to learn it. Think of it as a music toy and you can play things however you like. The trick is to actually have a good ear for melody and rhythm and harmony and such. I have to give credit to people I remember stimulating me with music.
The first are my uncles. They were teenagers when I was born, and they had very eclectic tastes for black men in the early 70's. They, and my parents, listened to the Beatles and Zepplin and the Doors and The Faces and all these tripped out UK bands. My first official favorite band was The Police. I was 9. My uncle brought Outlandos D'Amour and Zenyatta Mondatta and I literally fell in love with it. It was the first music where I really understood the lyrics and the music mezmerized me. Then I fell in love with Jimi Hendrix after a friend taped every song he ever made and gave it to me for my birthday. I was convinced that if only I had been alive and an adult when he was, he would still be here. What a cosmic joke that the man of my dreams died when I was 10 months old. Then I went through a MAJOR Beatles phase, just around the whole 20 anniversary of the Summer of Love stuff. I hippied out and decided that Paul is my favorite, John was a genius in his own right, and George kinda creeped me out, but I grew to dig his vibe. Ringo doesn't make any impression on me. He's like the Shemp of the Beatles.
I also had a great 5th grade teacher named Mr. Kolataze at P.S. 97 in the Bronx. I had moved there in the mid- 4th grade, so I was the New Girl. That year was tough. I had come from a school in Yonkers that was one of those progressive schools with no walls and split grade classes. I could read very well when I went to kindergarten so they had me go to 3rd grade reading classes. I was in a class where it was high functioning 4th graders and mid fuctioning 5th graders. I guess the idea was that somewhere in the middle they could close the gap. Seemed to work, from what I remember. Very different from an old 85 year old school with traditional wooden desks and the big creaky windows that you needed a long stick to open. I went from New Age to Old School, and I stuck out. But I was still bright and got along. In the 5th grade, I had Kolataze and I knew right away it was going to be a cool year. He was tall, lean, good looking and had longish hair and he was a piano player who LOVED Beethoven. Had a bust of him right on the piano in the classroom. He could play his ass off and he would take bee pollen in the middle of class and taught us to play Song of Joy on the recorder and did cool shit like play the soundtrack to The Shining beacause it was all Bela Bartok music. I was 10 and listening to Bartok and sneaking to watch the movie so I could see what I heard. AND we still managed to learn all our other subjects. He was the kind of teacher I liked..they knew when to be serious and when to be really cool and you did well in his class cause you really wanted to. You felt like the cool stuff was the bonus for doing the boring stuff. That was the year Lennon got killed and the guy was destroyed. He just sat at the piano and played slow, sad Beatles stuff and we listened to Sgt Pepper, and I really understood how deep music was. He was so cool that he even dated someone's mom at school. It was the talk of 1980. Mrs. Andrucki. Either widowed or divorced or maybe still married, who knows. One of her daughters was a year ahead of me and one a year behind. The got one look at each other and it was a wrap. The last time I ran into him in the 90's, they were still together.
So, now I sit here and experiment my own. Once I figure out which site I can load it to, you'll hear it. Soon Come..
The great thing about the New Year...
...is that you can flip the bird to the last year and look forward to even more shit going down.
If you've been reading the posts for the last couple of months, you know was I was dealing with. I am SOOO happy that this year is a memory. I had to see some ugly sides to people I thought I knew, including myself. I had to see what depths people can sink and not even notice they sank there.
A friend of mine, upon reading my experiences, asked me why it seems that I have an unusally high number of people in my life who have addictions or mental issues. Someone suggested that I have a very accepting nature and that people who are not in their right minds gravitate to me because I don't immediately reject them. Or maybe I have my own mental blind spots and see things that should alarm me as harmless.
I've worked with mentally ill and retarded children and learned to deal with them as not stupid or crazy, rather them not being able to perceive the obvious and to have patience with them. To understand that they don't understand what's happening to them. In adults, it's trying to give them some dignity and control over their situation by trying to make them aware of it and teaching them to cope with humor and a feeling of "it's ok, we all do silly things"
But with addict personalites, which have been on both sides of my family, it's more difficult to forgive and deal with. With the addict, my laid back demeanor does nothing but make them feel they can go to the extreme, cause I won't say anything. Then as the behavior gets more and more outlandish, like a kid trying to get attention, and it gets to a critical point where you realize that the addict is willing and indeed, hell bent, on doing themselves in and making it your fault. Never do they think "Wow..this person is just watching me crack out. I have to stop doing this and get myself together." They either tempt me with something so that I can do it with them and therefore I'm just like them, or when I refuse, they get mad and do it as a "fuck you I can do what i want" gesture. No matter what sex they are or what race. You see the pattern in everyone with that problem.
I've smoked pot, I've tripped on LSD and shrooms, tried E, and love red wine. I won't lie, those experiences were mostly fun and positive. But they happen every once in a while, and I'm not ready to forfeit my life and sanity to them. I conside myself lucky that I was older (28) when I experimented with those things and that I never got caught up in them. But many friends and family DID get caught up and seeing them go through it has scared me. The thought of one bad trip leaving you psycholgically scared for life keeps things real for me.
If you are going through a problem or someone you love is, you have to find it in your heart to try and help. If they don't want to help themselves, then you have to have the strength to walk away.
Thanks to all who offered support, advice, understanding and love during all my "ordeals". Thanks to all those who read this regularly. And thanks to the Universe for bringing the wheel around one more cycle..
Peace and Blessings..
If you've been reading the posts for the last couple of months, you know was I was dealing with. I am SOOO happy that this year is a memory. I had to see some ugly sides to people I thought I knew, including myself. I had to see what depths people can sink and not even notice they sank there.
A friend of mine, upon reading my experiences, asked me why it seems that I have an unusally high number of people in my life who have addictions or mental issues. Someone suggested that I have a very accepting nature and that people who are not in their right minds gravitate to me because I don't immediately reject them. Or maybe I have my own mental blind spots and see things that should alarm me as harmless.
I've worked with mentally ill and retarded children and learned to deal with them as not stupid or crazy, rather them not being able to perceive the obvious and to have patience with them. To understand that they don't understand what's happening to them. In adults, it's trying to give them some dignity and control over their situation by trying to make them aware of it and teaching them to cope with humor and a feeling of "it's ok, we all do silly things"
But with addict personalites, which have been on both sides of my family, it's more difficult to forgive and deal with. With the addict, my laid back demeanor does nothing but make them feel they can go to the extreme, cause I won't say anything. Then as the behavior gets more and more outlandish, like a kid trying to get attention, and it gets to a critical point where you realize that the addict is willing and indeed, hell bent, on doing themselves in and making it your fault. Never do they think "Wow..this person is just watching me crack out. I have to stop doing this and get myself together." They either tempt me with something so that I can do it with them and therefore I'm just like them, or when I refuse, they get mad and do it as a "fuck you I can do what i want" gesture. No matter what sex they are or what race. You see the pattern in everyone with that problem.
I've smoked pot, I've tripped on LSD and shrooms, tried E, and love red wine. I won't lie, those experiences were mostly fun and positive. But they happen every once in a while, and I'm not ready to forfeit my life and sanity to them. I conside myself lucky that I was older (28) when I experimented with those things and that I never got caught up in them. But many friends and family DID get caught up and seeing them go through it has scared me. The thought of one bad trip leaving you psycholgically scared for life keeps things real for me.
If you are going through a problem or someone you love is, you have to find it in your heart to try and help. If they don't want to help themselves, then you have to have the strength to walk away.
Thanks to all who offered support, advice, understanding and love during all my "ordeals". Thanks to all those who read this regularly. And thanks to the Universe for bringing the wheel around one more cycle..
Peace and Blessings..
Ripley understood…
…that old familiar feeling of dread when you realize what you’re dealing with and you have to deal with it YET again..
I promise that I will only describe someone as crazy if they REALLY are cause now I KNOW what it means. Stark raving mad. Coked outta yer mind from the ID type shit. Walking around talking to yourself. Or just walking. All fucking night…walking..
It’s what Ripley felt, and The Bride, and every other woman who had to face madness and try to not let it fuck with their shit. This poor woman thinks that her being 50 earned her the right to get disturbingly high. This is a woman who gave the fuck up. "I just wanna get fucked up and lose my mind instead dealing with the reality of it all." It’s MY time to get fucked up. My mother said something similar. They DESERVE this. They EARNED it. When you look them in the eye and tell them that they may just have a heart attack or a stroke cause not only are they addicts, but woefully out of shape ones, as addicts tend to be, they don’t care. That’s very deep shit there. They figure that they failed at life and rather than refine the program, they’d rather crack out. Full on. When a young person does that, you can blame it on tragic youth. But if you’re a 50-something and doing coke and E and drinking and smoking AND losing your mind (cause you have been doing it for YEARS)? You’re a fucking loser. I can’t believe we won’t get Social Security cause these worthless fucks are getting wasted with it now. Bitter?….well, yes..
But whatever. They blew their chance. If they can’t get it together, then pick a home now and go get high and when you get sick, we’ll use the money to put you here. Like a retarded child except you feel for the retarded child cause he or she didn’t choose to be retarded. It’s just their path in this life of many. But chicks like this you begin to loathe because they, however pitiful, put themselves through the wringer. They just spin out on worthless crap. They weave neurotic yarns and get all puffed up and frantic. For nothing. Tripping cause they’re too fat and lazy and fucked up. To anyone reading this, if you know me and I live to be 50 and I’m like THIS, you have permission to slap the piss outta me.
Fuck that. If I have to come away with a lesson from this recent experience, it’s know your limits. Once you lose that and you can’t control your impulses, you are LOST. Maybe it’s cause these are hard times in a way, so a wider range of people are starting to snap. But when you come to a point where logic doesn’t enter into your choices, and you react by emotion, it’s a wrap. You’re so consumed with being in state of alarm and anxiety, that you crave it. I feel like I was on the road to there and something slapped me. It was called reality and it hurt like a bitch. I’m ok with it. Has to be what it must to get where it needs to get. I dig. And maybe these past lessons taught me that privacy is sacred and you must have a haven. Somewhere. You may have to lay your head in some crazy places, but you’ll find sanctuary. Eventually.
So Christmas Eve ended with the cops basically telling her that if she locks me out, she gets arrested. They leave and barely get out the building when she goes right back into threats and sniffing and pretending to be on the phone telling the police that I have her at knifepoint. What she didn't know was while she was doing that, I called the neighbors, who in turn, called others and rang the bell as she was "calling the cops". They are all in the hallway and she's in her panties and tee shirt laughing and screaming and pacing and bugging and finally the gravity of the situation hits them. They push her in the house and try to talk to her, asking her questions to see if she understands. She really doesn't. She is consumed with the fact that she can get fucked up in her own house if she wants to. They gently try to explain that you can't when you have tenant. "Fuck that! It's my house and I'll do what I want."
3 women try to calm her down and finally she pretends to get them out of the house. As soon as she locked the door, she started up. I went into the kitchen to wash a dish and she SWOOPS into the kitchen screaming at me not to touch her shit. Then she goes rooting through the kitchen drawer and pulls a knife and blocks my way out of the kitchen. On some Single White Female type shit. THEN when I bolt out the kitchen and grab my phone, the bitch calls the cops again and lies and says I had a knife to her throat. By this point I'm ready to beat her ass for that, jail or not. The chick cop comes in with a billy clubm threatening to lock me up, and all I keep saying to her was the cops have been here all day. I beg her to go to the neighbors and ask questions. I call the neighbors to intercept the cops in the hallway and they do and the police came no more.
Spent Christmas in that house, with my food and drink in the fucking window to keep it cold, with my good friend to came to help me. Watched about 12 hours of the 24 hour Christmas Story marathon. Didn't see my family, but was kinda fine with it. Thought Christmas was the worst and why was I gonna let this psycho get me down. So I called a friend who was close and set about to move out. Had to walk some of my belongings in cart and saw a long blue van at the light and asked the driver how much they'd charge me to move some stuff a few blocks. $40. Thanks to a van driver named, of all things, Mary, I got the hell outta dodge.
Later that night I'm online and read the Reuter's headline about the tsunami. Instantly, my drama was over. That addicted cunt a memory. Seemed a trite thing now. The Sea came and took many people away. No one to blame. No one to get vengence on. The earth simply hiccuped and shifted a bit and took some people off of it. The scope of this is enourmous. The range of death is beyond what any of us can imagine. You see people surviving something like this and you think of a bored cunt somewhere getting cracked out and you know where you need to be..
I promise that I will only describe someone as crazy if they REALLY are cause now I KNOW what it means. Stark raving mad. Coked outta yer mind from the ID type shit. Walking around talking to yourself. Or just walking. All fucking night…walking..
It’s what Ripley felt, and The Bride, and every other woman who had to face madness and try to not let it fuck with their shit. This poor woman thinks that her being 50 earned her the right to get disturbingly high. This is a woman who gave the fuck up. "I just wanna get fucked up and lose my mind instead dealing with the reality of it all." It’s MY time to get fucked up. My mother said something similar. They DESERVE this. They EARNED it. When you look them in the eye and tell them that they may just have a heart attack or a stroke cause not only are they addicts, but woefully out of shape ones, as addicts tend to be, they don’t care. That’s very deep shit there. They figure that they failed at life and rather than refine the program, they’d rather crack out. Full on. When a young person does that, you can blame it on tragic youth. But if you’re a 50-something and doing coke and E and drinking and smoking AND losing your mind (cause you have been doing it for YEARS)? You’re a fucking loser. I can’t believe we won’t get Social Security cause these worthless fucks are getting wasted with it now. Bitter?….well, yes..
But whatever. They blew their chance. If they can’t get it together, then pick a home now and go get high and when you get sick, we’ll use the money to put you here. Like a retarded child except you feel for the retarded child cause he or she didn’t choose to be retarded. It’s just their path in this life of many. But chicks like this you begin to loathe because they, however pitiful, put themselves through the wringer. They just spin out on worthless crap. They weave neurotic yarns and get all puffed up and frantic. For nothing. Tripping cause they’re too fat and lazy and fucked up. To anyone reading this, if you know me and I live to be 50 and I’m like THIS, you have permission to slap the piss outta me.
Fuck that. If I have to come away with a lesson from this recent experience, it’s know your limits. Once you lose that and you can’t control your impulses, you are LOST. Maybe it’s cause these are hard times in a way, so a wider range of people are starting to snap. But when you come to a point where logic doesn’t enter into your choices, and you react by emotion, it’s a wrap. You’re so consumed with being in state of alarm and anxiety, that you crave it. I feel like I was on the road to there and something slapped me. It was called reality and it hurt like a bitch. I’m ok with it. Has to be what it must to get where it needs to get. I dig. And maybe these past lessons taught me that privacy is sacred and you must have a haven. Somewhere. You may have to lay your head in some crazy places, but you’ll find sanctuary. Eventually.
So Christmas Eve ended with the cops basically telling her that if she locks me out, she gets arrested. They leave and barely get out the building when she goes right back into threats and sniffing and pretending to be on the phone telling the police that I have her at knifepoint. What she didn't know was while she was doing that, I called the neighbors, who in turn, called others and rang the bell as she was "calling the cops". They are all in the hallway and she's in her panties and tee shirt laughing and screaming and pacing and bugging and finally the gravity of the situation hits them. They push her in the house and try to talk to her, asking her questions to see if she understands. She really doesn't. She is consumed with the fact that she can get fucked up in her own house if she wants to. They gently try to explain that you can't when you have tenant. "Fuck that! It's my house and I'll do what I want."
3 women try to calm her down and finally she pretends to get them out of the house. As soon as she locked the door, she started up. I went into the kitchen to wash a dish and she SWOOPS into the kitchen screaming at me not to touch her shit. Then she goes rooting through the kitchen drawer and pulls a knife and blocks my way out of the kitchen. On some Single White Female type shit. THEN when I bolt out the kitchen and grab my phone, the bitch calls the cops again and lies and says I had a knife to her throat. By this point I'm ready to beat her ass for that, jail or not. The chick cop comes in with a billy clubm threatening to lock me up, and all I keep saying to her was the cops have been here all day. I beg her to go to the neighbors and ask questions. I call the neighbors to intercept the cops in the hallway and they do and the police came no more.
Spent Christmas in that house, with my food and drink in the fucking window to keep it cold, with my good friend to came to help me. Watched about 12 hours of the 24 hour Christmas Story marathon. Didn't see my family, but was kinda fine with it. Thought Christmas was the worst and why was I gonna let this psycho get me down. So I called a friend who was close and set about to move out. Had to walk some of my belongings in cart and saw a long blue van at the light and asked the driver how much they'd charge me to move some stuff a few blocks. $40. Thanks to a van driver named, of all things, Mary, I got the hell outta dodge.
Later that night I'm online and read the Reuter's headline about the tsunami. Instantly, my drama was over. That addicted cunt a memory. Seemed a trite thing now. The Sea came and took many people away. No one to blame. No one to get vengence on. The earth simply hiccuped and shifted a bit and took some people off of it. The scope of this is enourmous. The range of death is beyond what any of us can imagine. You see people surviving something like this and you think of a bored cunt somewhere getting cracked out and you know where you need to be..
Hell in a Handbasket
What a Christmas!
We all remember my bi-polar now EX landlord? Guess the holidays gets people in a bad mood so girlfriend decided to get herself nice and fucked up Christmas Eve on cocaine and rum. So fucked up that homegirl was walking around with no panties on singing at 4am while I'm trying to sleep. I finally had to call the police cause she was so messed up she wasn't hearing what I was saying...
That one call started a chain of events I'm still trying to work out in my mind. The cops come and she is so clearly high that I don't have to say very much to them. They try to reason with her, but she's all hopped up. The 1st call was at 6:45am. The dumb bitch calls them back 5 minutes later cause she wants to "set the record straight". She basically gets told by the same cops to shut the fuck up and get back in the house and get some sleep, which of course, she'd refuses to do. The cops are barely out the door when she starts threatening me "Yeah bitch..I WANT MY MONEY or you're dead!" and "You called the cops on me in my own house, it's ON now!". I try to ignore her, but what I've learned about people on drugs, especially coke, is that they HATE to be ignored. She starts banging on the door demanding to know when she's gonna get her money cause she wants to get MORE fucked up. It's a sickening feeling when you have to pay someone money you owe knowing that the first thing they are going to do is run out and get fucked up with it.
The next phase was me waiting for my check to come in the mail (which I was not allowed to pick up myself cause she refused to give me the mailbox key). My check was opened the week before when she gave it to me, just enough to see how much it was. I ask her if it was open when she got it from the mailbox and she flipped out, saying I was accusing her and how dare I. That pretty much sealed her guilt in my mind. Fast forward to Christmas Eve afternoon and she is running back and forth, in and out of the house to see if the mailman is coming. I tell her I'll get my own damn check thank you and leave me alone. This nutjob saw the mail guy, came rushing out of the house with no shoes on so she can commandeer the mail. Neighbors are walking by and she's taking like a retard and even the mail guy is getting creeped out. The bitch REFUSED to let the dude just give me my mail..she insisted that SHE be the one to open the mailbox and give it to me WHILE THE MAIL DUDE IS STILL THERE.
As soon as I got the check in my hands, she wants to know when I'm gonna cash it. I refused to say anything to her so the dumb bitch calls the cops AGAIN. They come and of course she's WAY more fucked up than she was that morning so it's even more obvious. She's so high, that she's talking shit to the cops and they turned to look at me and mouthed to me "You have to get out of here"..
more later.
We all remember my bi-polar now EX landlord? Guess the holidays gets people in a bad mood so girlfriend decided to get herself nice and fucked up Christmas Eve on cocaine and rum. So fucked up that homegirl was walking around with no panties on singing at 4am while I'm trying to sleep. I finally had to call the police cause she was so messed up she wasn't hearing what I was saying...
That one call started a chain of events I'm still trying to work out in my mind. The cops come and she is so clearly high that I don't have to say very much to them. They try to reason with her, but she's all hopped up. The 1st call was at 6:45am. The dumb bitch calls them back 5 minutes later cause she wants to "set the record straight". She basically gets told by the same cops to shut the fuck up and get back in the house and get some sleep, which of course, she'd refuses to do. The cops are barely out the door when she starts threatening me "Yeah bitch..I WANT MY MONEY or you're dead!" and "You called the cops on me in my own house, it's ON now!". I try to ignore her, but what I've learned about people on drugs, especially coke, is that they HATE to be ignored. She starts banging on the door demanding to know when she's gonna get her money cause she wants to get MORE fucked up. It's a sickening feeling when you have to pay someone money you owe knowing that the first thing they are going to do is run out and get fucked up with it.
The next phase was me waiting for my check to come in the mail (which I was not allowed to pick up myself cause she refused to give me the mailbox key). My check was opened the week before when she gave it to me, just enough to see how much it was. I ask her if it was open when she got it from the mailbox and she flipped out, saying I was accusing her and how dare I. That pretty much sealed her guilt in my mind. Fast forward to Christmas Eve afternoon and she is running back and forth, in and out of the house to see if the mailman is coming. I tell her I'll get my own damn check thank you and leave me alone. This nutjob saw the mail guy, came rushing out of the house with no shoes on so she can commandeer the mail. Neighbors are walking by and she's taking like a retard and even the mail guy is getting creeped out. The bitch REFUSED to let the dude just give me my mail..she insisted that SHE be the one to open the mailbox and give it to me WHILE THE MAIL DUDE IS STILL THERE.
As soon as I got the check in my hands, she wants to know when I'm gonna cash it. I refused to say anything to her so the dumb bitch calls the cops AGAIN. They come and of course she's WAY more fucked up than she was that morning so it's even more obvious. She's so high, that she's talking shit to the cops and they turned to look at me and mouthed to me "You have to get out of here"..
more later.
50% of the time...
...living with the Bi Polar ain't so bad. So what she talks to the TV and has arguments with it? No big deal. I'm beginning to get hip to this now. As long as her man is no where in sight and I'm locked securely in my room, all is well.
I know I really slagged this woman down, and I feel kinda bad. She really isn't a bad person, just terribly nutty. She can't help it, I guess. And it seems like I'm having some sort of positive effect on her. The people who know her in the building are EXTREMELY glad to see me and go out of their way to be nice and say hello, like "Thank you for chilling her out. You must be blessed!". I think people just gave up on her and wrote her off, yet I have to make an attempt to be nice and understanding cause I HAVE to live there. And I, despite my crazy life, am a pretty laid back person. There's nothing like some outside person quietly observing your madness to make you question just what the fuck you are doing.
She's really trying and I am trying to let her know I know she's trying. As long as she has the strength to keep the asshole at arm's distance, she may be ok. She's straightening up her house and life and it seems she hasn't had another female presence around to support her in that. Again, it's a fine line between being objectively supportive and getting involved in someone's shit. But I see what happens when women let themselves become absorbed with their man instead of themselves.
Put out some good vibes for her. And me.
I know I really slagged this woman down, and I feel kinda bad. She really isn't a bad person, just terribly nutty. She can't help it, I guess. And it seems like I'm having some sort of positive effect on her. The people who know her in the building are EXTREMELY glad to see me and go out of their way to be nice and say hello, like "Thank you for chilling her out. You must be blessed!". I think people just gave up on her and wrote her off, yet I have to make an attempt to be nice and understanding cause I HAVE to live there. And I, despite my crazy life, am a pretty laid back person. There's nothing like some outside person quietly observing your madness to make you question just what the fuck you are doing.
She's really trying and I am trying to let her know I know she's trying. As long as she has the strength to keep the asshole at arm's distance, she may be ok. She's straightening up her house and life and it seems she hasn't had another female presence around to support her in that. Again, it's a fine line between being objectively supportive and getting involved in someone's shit. But I see what happens when women let themselves become absorbed with their man instead of themselves.
Put out some good vibes for her. And me.
A Big Mouth on a Short Leash
If you read the last entry, you know that I live with a bona-fide mental patient. When we last left BiPolar Middle Aged Black Woman, she called the cops on her young Puerto Rican boyfriend. Not more than 2 days later, homeboy is back in her good graces, cooking her lobster and shrimp. So now you know, folks. You wanna keep a crazy black woman happy? Plow seafood into her face..
I have an amazing ability to make friends with people even in the most extreme cases, and her next door neighbors (who have known her all her life and know that she will probably die untreated) are this really cool Afrocentric arty couple in their 50’s who dig me. So while she’s scarfing seafood with her dysfunctional other, I go hang with the arty couple and have a great time. My friend comes over and we 4 hang and have a great night. Until..
The psychotic bitch, who made such a production about her man being there, LEAVES him there to come next door and throw a hissy fit. She can’t even TRY to fake decorum. She barges in and starts looking around like a wife looking for evidence of infidelity. She even went and found some other building chick and brought her too. We are staring at her like she’s got two heads, incredulous that she is really that insane. I used to use the word crazy arbitrarily, but now I really see what it means. She had no way of moderating herself on any level. She thought it was perfectly normal that she get an attitude..
My friend and I get back in a few hours later to find that her and her dude are rolling their asses off on Ecstasy. It’s like listening to a severely retarded couple trying to discuss their relationship. The bitch had an attitude cause I hung out with the neighbors for "3 and a half hours" but not with her and her man. She was nasty and cold and totally 180 degrees from where she was hours before. At 4am, this punk knocks on my bedroom door, with that jaw-nashing shit that E heads have, telling me that my friend can stay cause HE says so. I look in his eyes and realize that I have to get out of this situation ASAP.
It’s a very fine line I have to walk for the next month. I have to somehow hold my tongue and mask my thoughts until I have enough money to leave. I’m not telling her when or where. I’ll just find another place and I’ll wait for her to go to work and move. Leave the keys with the neighbors. It’s like THAT. I thought I knew people who were crazy, but this is scary. She tells me that she’s scared to death of fires cause she’s had two already and lost everything she had. Mkay. The other day someone comes to the door and she leaves and leaves a pot of boiling water on. Thank god I smelled the bottom of the pot burning and turned it off. She comes back and I tell her she did that and all she was concerned about was why I didn’t hang with her and her man over the weekend. Every time I speak to this woman, I get a feeling of dread cause she is so clearly lost that even logic doesn’t work. You look in her eyes and she doesn’t even get that she’s nuts. That’s the true sign that someone is mentally ill. If you know someone and they say "I think something is wrong with me cause I feel bad" or they know they aren’t happy or well, then chances are they aren’t insane. They just have some issues to sort through. But this is not that case. She goes from one extreme to another with such speed that she can’t see it. I alternate between feeling sorry for her, to feeling like I have to get the hell out of there before something bad happens.
I won’t say that I’m psychic, but I have a bad feeling about the boyfriend. It’s when he shows up that it knocks her off of whatever fragile balance she has. It’s always the same type of guy, no matter what the race is. Insecure, fawning, immature, chaotic, manipulative, unable to stay still, always needs to be drunk or high before confronting anything, easily intimidated and needs to be paid attention to at any cost. I know this type well. I hate that type of guy and he knows it immediately. I am the match to his gasoline cause I have no patience for that type of punk. A guy like him finds nothing wrong with playing on the emotions of a mentally ill woman, and now he sees that I am hip to the kind of asshole he is and he gets no respect from me. Maybe a condescending pleasantness, but never respect. My homeboy is a very large brother whom he is already intimidated by. It’s only a matter of time before he tries to assert his "authority" cause he knows he has none. All I can hope is that this is kept at bay for the next 3 weeks and I can slip out of here quietly.
I have an amazing ability to make friends with people even in the most extreme cases, and her next door neighbors (who have known her all her life and know that she will probably die untreated) are this really cool Afrocentric arty couple in their 50’s who dig me. So while she’s scarfing seafood with her dysfunctional other, I go hang with the arty couple and have a great time. My friend comes over and we 4 hang and have a great night. Until..
The psychotic bitch, who made such a production about her man being there, LEAVES him there to come next door and throw a hissy fit. She can’t even TRY to fake decorum. She barges in and starts looking around like a wife looking for evidence of infidelity. She even went and found some other building chick and brought her too. We are staring at her like she’s got two heads, incredulous that she is really that insane. I used to use the word crazy arbitrarily, but now I really see what it means. She had no way of moderating herself on any level. She thought it was perfectly normal that she get an attitude..
My friend and I get back in a few hours later to find that her and her dude are rolling their asses off on Ecstasy. It’s like listening to a severely retarded couple trying to discuss their relationship. The bitch had an attitude cause I hung out with the neighbors for "3 and a half hours" but not with her and her man. She was nasty and cold and totally 180 degrees from where she was hours before. At 4am, this punk knocks on my bedroom door, with that jaw-nashing shit that E heads have, telling me that my friend can stay cause HE says so. I look in his eyes and realize that I have to get out of this situation ASAP.
It’s a very fine line I have to walk for the next month. I have to somehow hold my tongue and mask my thoughts until I have enough money to leave. I’m not telling her when or where. I’ll just find another place and I’ll wait for her to go to work and move. Leave the keys with the neighbors. It’s like THAT. I thought I knew people who were crazy, but this is scary. She tells me that she’s scared to death of fires cause she’s had two already and lost everything she had. Mkay. The other day someone comes to the door and she leaves and leaves a pot of boiling water on. Thank god I smelled the bottom of the pot burning and turned it off. She comes back and I tell her she did that and all she was concerned about was why I didn’t hang with her and her man over the weekend. Every time I speak to this woman, I get a feeling of dread cause she is so clearly lost that even logic doesn’t work. You look in her eyes and she doesn’t even get that she’s nuts. That’s the true sign that someone is mentally ill. If you know someone and they say "I think something is wrong with me cause I feel bad" or they know they aren’t happy or well, then chances are they aren’t insane. They just have some issues to sort through. But this is not that case. She goes from one extreme to another with such speed that she can’t see it. I alternate between feeling sorry for her, to feeling like I have to get the hell out of there before something bad happens.
I won’t say that I’m psychic, but I have a bad feeling about the boyfriend. It’s when he shows up that it knocks her off of whatever fragile balance she has. It’s always the same type of guy, no matter what the race is. Insecure, fawning, immature, chaotic, manipulative, unable to stay still, always needs to be drunk or high before confronting anything, easily intimidated and needs to be paid attention to at any cost. I know this type well. I hate that type of guy and he knows it immediately. I am the match to his gasoline cause I have no patience for that type of punk. A guy like him finds nothing wrong with playing on the emotions of a mentally ill woman, and now he sees that I am hip to the kind of asshole he is and he gets no respect from me. Maybe a condescending pleasantness, but never respect. My homeboy is a very large brother whom he is already intimidated by. It’s only a matter of time before he tries to assert his "authority" cause he knows he has none. All I can hope is that this is kept at bay for the next 3 weeks and I can slip out of here quietly.
Chicks are losing their shit..
There is a horrible trend I've been unfortunately witnessing for the past couple of years, which just keeps getting worse and worse..
It seems every woman I've roomated with always has some fucked up guy who is making their lives, and the lives of the unlucky people who are around them, unbearable. It's always a drug habit or alcohol problem; it's always about him thinking it's his house cause she lets him stay there and fuck her and eat shit. Maybe he paid a phone or cable bill one month and that entitles him to be a dick cause now it's HIS house and he's paying the bills..
Had my ex-best friend over the summer decide she's going to hook up with a multiple Schedule I drug addicted, gay escort, drug dealing Satanist and allowed him to bring all of his sick bullshit into her life and home. Then she decided that he needs to be accepted by her family while they are focused on the fact that her father is dying of cancer. She brings this asshole to the hospital while the family is trying to hold it together, and the sick freak has a tantrum IN THE HOSPITAL cause the family doesn't like him. Could it be that he couldn't get through Thanksgiving ONE HOUR before he had to run out to sniff? What's most distressing about this sick relationship is that a supposedly intelligent woman felt that she could control this guy and it wound up being the opposite.
PLUS the fact that she LIKES the Satanist stuff and even went so far as to make a "love charm" for this guy with a lock of her hair...Even if you don't believe in those things, who the hell could be that stupid? Now her family is pissed at her and don't want anything to do with her as long as she insists on forcing people to deal with a psycho just cause she's too weak and stupid to rid herself of him. She's even trying to have a baby with him (after having had aborted the last one not less than 6 months ago, combined with the fact that she's having unprotected sex with a drug addicted gay escort..)
Fleeing that situation, I rent a room from a quiet, nice Dominican lady. For a few months, it's cool..the neighbors are retards that think it's ok to blast merengue at top volume at 4am on a Tuesday cause everyone else does, right? But the house is clean, for the most part, quiet, and we are both working women who value peace. My homeboy comes to visit and is very respectful and she is great about it. Then one day I come home and her ex-husband is in the house without her. The door is not locked and he's drunk off his ass. I don't mean tipsy, I mean shitfaced, ossified drunk. He can't stand straight and his eyes are swimming unfocused in his head. I guess he took a shine to me cause he starts asking me where my boyfriend is and have I been working out. Execept be barely speaks English and he's invading my personal space. So I have to become Hard Core Dreadlock Warrior Woman and stare him down so he knows what the deal is. She speaks little english and has no idea what he's saying. I have to wait till the next morning to tell this fuck never to step to me again. I even write the lady a letter in spanish telling her what went down and how it can't become a habit or I have to leave. A week later, her whole 8 member family moves back from the Domincan Republic into a 2 bedroom apartment cause Papi called home and told them the nigger in the house spoke out of turn to him.
So I flee to my current situation. A seemingly intelligent 50 year old black woman who has a junky house, but a large room for rent. She said she worked from home and she just seemed messy, but I can clean my space so what the hell, right? The day I go to look at the apartment (after being sent to see some real horror story places), and she has a young Puerto Rican boyfriend chilling on the couch. Whatever..none of my business..
I knew something was wrong when I was due to move in on a Saturday and she cancels and tells me she had a death in the family and is on LI. Doesn't offer a solution, I just can't move in. And she has to be back in LI on Monday. The next day I move in and she never again mentions the death. Red flag #1. Monday comes and goes and I realize no one has died, she lied. That night I also find out that she has a coke habit that she will make painfully obvious by geeking out for the next three days straight. No job or work, all you hear is sniffing and her walking through the house all night singing and talking to herself. At the apex of this binge, she knocks on the door Fri night, standing there in nothing but a tee shirt and coke all over her nose and face, railing out her mind, telling me how cool I am, and if I wanna party, go for it. She did so much coke that for the following 3 days, she is sick and sleeping and embarrassed. So she tried to make me feel comfortable by promising that will never happen again and for a few days, we get back on track..
Until last night when we are both home chilling after work and someone starts banging on the door. It's PR boyfriend. Then the sick shit begins with her knocking on my door to tell me her man is staying over, but he's drunk, ok? That old sinking feeling creeps in and I know what I'm in for. Of course, it starts coming down to "This is my fucking house and I pay the bills...." They start fighting and yelling and I tell her I no longer feel comfortable having a person like him in the house overnight and she turns to me and says she's sorry but she can't fight him to get him out, and fuck that, he's not leaving, all indignant and ghetto..
Her cousin and his wife live down the hall and they knew what the deal was and offered their help should anything "happen". I go there pissed off and needing to know just what the hell I'm dealing with. I get handed a big knife and told to do something spiritual to calm my energy. What the fuck...
By now, I feel like a refugee who has to pick up and flee again. I get back in the house and now they are fighting again and she calls the cops and LEAVES THE APARTMENT to wait for the cops, locking me in the house with this drunk belligerent man who's yelling to someone on the phone. I decide that if anything is going down, I'm gonna have to Kill Bill-it and confront dude before he gets any ideas. He's in the living room, drunk and smoking a butt, and I go right up to him and break it down. "I don't know you, bro, but this shit is none of my business. If the cops come up here, I ain't involved". Dude starts trying to plead his case TO ME about how fucked up she is and that's why he don't want to come around anymore. So now, I gotta play fucking relationship counselor?!? "I don't give a fuck..I pay rent here to live in peace, not to get in the middle of total strangers bullshit. " I basically used the tactic of "Hey dude, if the cops throw you outta here, don't come looking to fuck up my shit. If they hassle you, take that shit up with your woman and leave me and my shit in peace". Surprisingly, he paused and said "'Ight, boo..you don't have to say nuthin' else. You can go back in your room, I got it. " Cool. The cops come, there's drama and yelling and he goes. She's all apologetic and ashamed, and being that I am very compassionate, I tell her it's ok and get some rest.
But I can't do this anymore. I lived alone for 11 years and all was great UNTIL my house got broken into by an ex-boyfriend (I wasn't there when it happend, thank god), and made me realize that being a solitary woman, as liberating as it is, has some very serious drawbacks. You sacrifice being in a relationship cause you know you have things that have to be accomplished that no man can accomplish for you. You learn to like solitude cause it helps you get in touch with yourself and what you are about. But you are a target because there is no man there to "protect" you. All the independence in the world won't stop some sick fuck from trying to break in and rape you. And unless you happen to be Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill and are nice with a sword, you have to live with the real fear that just being a woman living alone is dangerous.
You realize that the only option you have, besides finding someone to take care of you, is to make alot of money to insure you live safely. That's what it takes. You wanna be independent and safe at the same time? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it. You're gonna pay for it if you DON'T have money, so you might as well shell out the dough. Especially in NYC. You want a safe quiet place of your own with security downstairs? Be ready to pay minimum $1200 a month for a closet with a bed. It's either that or your spend your energy desparate to find a husband so your don't have to work and have "security". For a woman like me, that's about as unrealistic as waiting for your prince to come.
I heard today that Desparate Housewives (which is just Sex in the City in the Suburbs) is the highest rated show on the air. Bored stupid white bitches with too much time and money fucking around on their husbands cause security got too boring for them. There needs to be a show called Endangered Single Women and the reality of what that really means.
I'll let you know when I have the first draft ready...
It seems every woman I've roomated with always has some fucked up guy who is making their lives, and the lives of the unlucky people who are around them, unbearable. It's always a drug habit or alcohol problem; it's always about him thinking it's his house cause she lets him stay there and fuck her and eat shit. Maybe he paid a phone or cable bill one month and that entitles him to be a dick cause now it's HIS house and he's paying the bills..
Had my ex-best friend over the summer decide she's going to hook up with a multiple Schedule I drug addicted, gay escort, drug dealing Satanist and allowed him to bring all of his sick bullshit into her life and home. Then she decided that he needs to be accepted by her family while they are focused on the fact that her father is dying of cancer. She brings this asshole to the hospital while the family is trying to hold it together, and the sick freak has a tantrum IN THE HOSPITAL cause the family doesn't like him. Could it be that he couldn't get through Thanksgiving ONE HOUR before he had to run out to sniff? What's most distressing about this sick relationship is that a supposedly intelligent woman felt that she could control this guy and it wound up being the opposite.
PLUS the fact that she LIKES the Satanist stuff and even went so far as to make a "love charm" for this guy with a lock of her hair...Even if you don't believe in those things, who the hell could be that stupid? Now her family is pissed at her and don't want anything to do with her as long as she insists on forcing people to deal with a psycho just cause she's too weak and stupid to rid herself of him. She's even trying to have a baby with him (after having had aborted the last one not less than 6 months ago, combined with the fact that she's having unprotected sex with a drug addicted gay escort..)
Fleeing that situation, I rent a room from a quiet, nice Dominican lady. For a few months, it's cool..the neighbors are retards that think it's ok to blast merengue at top volume at 4am on a Tuesday cause everyone else does, right? But the house is clean, for the most part, quiet, and we are both working women who value peace. My homeboy comes to visit and is very respectful and she is great about it. Then one day I come home and her ex-husband is in the house without her. The door is not locked and he's drunk off his ass. I don't mean tipsy, I mean shitfaced, ossified drunk. He can't stand straight and his eyes are swimming unfocused in his head. I guess he took a shine to me cause he starts asking me where my boyfriend is and have I been working out. Execept be barely speaks English and he's invading my personal space. So I have to become Hard Core Dreadlock Warrior Woman and stare him down so he knows what the deal is. She speaks little english and has no idea what he's saying. I have to wait till the next morning to tell this fuck never to step to me again. I even write the lady a letter in spanish telling her what went down and how it can't become a habit or I have to leave. A week later, her whole 8 member family moves back from the Domincan Republic into a 2 bedroom apartment cause Papi called home and told them the nigger in the house spoke out of turn to him.
So I flee to my current situation. A seemingly intelligent 50 year old black woman who has a junky house, but a large room for rent. She said she worked from home and she just seemed messy, but I can clean my space so what the hell, right? The day I go to look at the apartment (after being sent to see some real horror story places), and she has a young Puerto Rican boyfriend chilling on the couch. Whatever..none of my business..
I knew something was wrong when I was due to move in on a Saturday and she cancels and tells me she had a death in the family and is on LI. Doesn't offer a solution, I just can't move in. And she has to be back in LI on Monday. The next day I move in and she never again mentions the death. Red flag #1. Monday comes and goes and I realize no one has died, she lied. That night I also find out that she has a coke habit that she will make painfully obvious by geeking out for the next three days straight. No job or work, all you hear is sniffing and her walking through the house all night singing and talking to herself. At the apex of this binge, she knocks on the door Fri night, standing there in nothing but a tee shirt and coke all over her nose and face, railing out her mind, telling me how cool I am, and if I wanna party, go for it. She did so much coke that for the following 3 days, she is sick and sleeping and embarrassed. So she tried to make me feel comfortable by promising that will never happen again and for a few days, we get back on track..
Until last night when we are both home chilling after work and someone starts banging on the door. It's PR boyfriend. Then the sick shit begins with her knocking on my door to tell me her man is staying over, but he's drunk, ok? That old sinking feeling creeps in and I know what I'm in for. Of course, it starts coming down to "This is my fucking house and I pay the bills...." They start fighting and yelling and I tell her I no longer feel comfortable having a person like him in the house overnight and she turns to me and says she's sorry but she can't fight him to get him out, and fuck that, he's not leaving, all indignant and ghetto..
Her cousin and his wife live down the hall and they knew what the deal was and offered their help should anything "happen". I go there pissed off and needing to know just what the hell I'm dealing with. I get handed a big knife and told to do something spiritual to calm my energy. What the fuck...
By now, I feel like a refugee who has to pick up and flee again. I get back in the house and now they are fighting again and she calls the cops and LEAVES THE APARTMENT to wait for the cops, locking me in the house with this drunk belligerent man who's yelling to someone on the phone. I decide that if anything is going down, I'm gonna have to Kill Bill-it and confront dude before he gets any ideas. He's in the living room, drunk and smoking a butt, and I go right up to him and break it down. "I don't know you, bro, but this shit is none of my business. If the cops come up here, I ain't involved". Dude starts trying to plead his case TO ME about how fucked up she is and that's why he don't want to come around anymore. So now, I gotta play fucking relationship counselor?!? "I don't give a fuck..I pay rent here to live in peace, not to get in the middle of total strangers bullshit. " I basically used the tactic of "Hey dude, if the cops throw you outta here, don't come looking to fuck up my shit. If they hassle you, take that shit up with your woman and leave me and my shit in peace". Surprisingly, he paused and said "'Ight, boo..you don't have to say nuthin' else. You can go back in your room, I got it. " Cool. The cops come, there's drama and yelling and he goes. She's all apologetic and ashamed, and being that I am very compassionate, I tell her it's ok and get some rest.
But I can't do this anymore. I lived alone for 11 years and all was great UNTIL my house got broken into by an ex-boyfriend (I wasn't there when it happend, thank god), and made me realize that being a solitary woman, as liberating as it is, has some very serious drawbacks. You sacrifice being in a relationship cause you know you have things that have to be accomplished that no man can accomplish for you. You learn to like solitude cause it helps you get in touch with yourself and what you are about. But you are a target because there is no man there to "protect" you. All the independence in the world won't stop some sick fuck from trying to break in and rape you. And unless you happen to be Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill and are nice with a sword, you have to live with the real fear that just being a woman living alone is dangerous.
You realize that the only option you have, besides finding someone to take care of you, is to make alot of money to insure you live safely. That's what it takes. You wanna be independent and safe at the same time? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it. You're gonna pay for it if you DON'T have money, so you might as well shell out the dough. Especially in NYC. You want a safe quiet place of your own with security downstairs? Be ready to pay minimum $1200 a month for a closet with a bed. It's either that or your spend your energy desparate to find a husband so your don't have to work and have "security". For a woman like me, that's about as unrealistic as waiting for your prince to come.
I heard today that Desparate Housewives (which is just Sex in the City in the Suburbs) is the highest rated show on the air. Bored stupid white bitches with too much time and money fucking around on their husbands cause security got too boring for them. There needs to be a show called Endangered Single Women and the reality of what that really means.
I'll let you know when I have the first draft ready...
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