...is that you can flip the bird to the last year and look forward to even more shit going down.
If you've been reading the posts for the last couple of months, you know was I was dealing with. I am SOOO happy that this year is a memory. I had to see some ugly sides to people I thought I knew, including myself. I had to see what depths people can sink and not even notice they sank there.
A friend of mine, upon reading my experiences, asked me why it seems that I have an unusally high number of people in my life who have addictions or mental issues. Someone suggested that I have a very accepting nature and that people who are not in their right minds gravitate to me because I don't immediately reject them. Or maybe I have my own mental blind spots and see things that should alarm me as harmless.
I've worked with mentally ill and retarded children and learned to deal with them as not stupid or crazy, rather them not being able to perceive the obvious and to have patience with them. To understand that they don't understand what's happening to them. In adults, it's trying to give them some dignity and control over their situation by trying to make them aware of it and teaching them to cope with humor and a feeling of "it's ok, we all do silly things"
But with addict personalites, which have been on both sides of my family, it's more difficult to forgive and deal with. With the addict, my laid back demeanor does nothing but make them feel they can go to the extreme, cause I won't say anything. Then as the behavior gets more and more outlandish, like a kid trying to get attention, and it gets to a critical point where you realize that the addict is willing and indeed, hell bent, on doing themselves in and making it your fault. Never do they think "Wow..this person is just watching me crack out. I have to stop doing this and get myself together." They either tempt me with something so that I can do it with them and therefore I'm just like them, or when I refuse, they get mad and do it as a "fuck you I can do what i want" gesture. No matter what sex they are or what race. You see the pattern in everyone with that problem.
I've smoked pot, I've tripped on LSD and shrooms, tried E, and love red wine. I won't lie, those experiences were mostly fun and positive. But they happen every once in a while, and I'm not ready to forfeit my life and sanity to them. I conside myself lucky that I was older (28) when I experimented with those things and that I never got caught up in them. But many friends and family DID get caught up and seeing them go through it has scared me. The thought of one bad trip leaving you psycholgically scared for life keeps things real for me.
If you are going through a problem or someone you love is, you have to find it in your heart to try and help. If they don't want to help themselves, then you have to have the strength to walk away.
Thanks to all who offered support, advice, understanding and love during all my "ordeals". Thanks to all those who read this regularly. And thanks to the Universe for bringing the wheel around one more cycle..
Peace and Blessings..
Ripley understood…
…that old familiar feeling of dread when you realize what you’re dealing with and you have to deal with it YET again..
I promise that I will only describe someone as crazy if they REALLY are cause now I KNOW what it means. Stark raving mad. Coked outta yer mind from the ID type shit. Walking around talking to yourself. Or just walking. All fucking night…walking..
It’s what Ripley felt, and The Bride, and every other woman who had to face madness and try to not let it fuck with their shit. This poor woman thinks that her being 50 earned her the right to get disturbingly high. This is a woman who gave the fuck up. "I just wanna get fucked up and lose my mind instead dealing with the reality of it all." It’s MY time to get fucked up. My mother said something similar. They DESERVE this. They EARNED it. When you look them in the eye and tell them that they may just have a heart attack or a stroke cause not only are they addicts, but woefully out of shape ones, as addicts tend to be, they don’t care. That’s very deep shit there. They figure that they failed at life and rather than refine the program, they’d rather crack out. Full on. When a young person does that, you can blame it on tragic youth. But if you’re a 50-something and doing coke and E and drinking and smoking AND losing your mind (cause you have been doing it for YEARS)? You’re a fucking loser. I can’t believe we won’t get Social Security cause these worthless fucks are getting wasted with it now. Bitter?….well, yes..
But whatever. They blew their chance. If they can’t get it together, then pick a home now and go get high and when you get sick, we’ll use the money to put you here. Like a retarded child except you feel for the retarded child cause he or she didn’t choose to be retarded. It’s just their path in this life of many. But chicks like this you begin to loathe because they, however pitiful, put themselves through the wringer. They just spin out on worthless crap. They weave neurotic yarns and get all puffed up and frantic. For nothing. Tripping cause they’re too fat and lazy and fucked up. To anyone reading this, if you know me and I live to be 50 and I’m like THIS, you have permission to slap the piss outta me.
Fuck that. If I have to come away with a lesson from this recent experience, it’s know your limits. Once you lose that and you can’t control your impulses, you are LOST. Maybe it’s cause these are hard times in a way, so a wider range of people are starting to snap. But when you come to a point where logic doesn’t enter into your choices, and you react by emotion, it’s a wrap. You’re so consumed with being in state of alarm and anxiety, that you crave it. I feel like I was on the road to there and something slapped me. It was called reality and it hurt like a bitch. I’m ok with it. Has to be what it must to get where it needs to get. I dig. And maybe these past lessons taught me that privacy is sacred and you must have a haven. Somewhere. You may have to lay your head in some crazy places, but you’ll find sanctuary. Eventually.
So Christmas Eve ended with the cops basically telling her that if she locks me out, she gets arrested. They leave and barely get out the building when she goes right back into threats and sniffing and pretending to be on the phone telling the police that I have her at knifepoint. What she didn't know was while she was doing that, I called the neighbors, who in turn, called others and rang the bell as she was "calling the cops". They are all in the hallway and she's in her panties and tee shirt laughing and screaming and pacing and bugging and finally the gravity of the situation hits them. They push her in the house and try to talk to her, asking her questions to see if she understands. She really doesn't. She is consumed with the fact that she can get fucked up in her own house if she wants to. They gently try to explain that you can't when you have tenant. "Fuck that! It's my house and I'll do what I want."
3 women try to calm her down and finally she pretends to get them out of the house. As soon as she locked the door, she started up. I went into the kitchen to wash a dish and she SWOOPS into the kitchen screaming at me not to touch her shit. Then she goes rooting through the kitchen drawer and pulls a knife and blocks my way out of the kitchen. On some Single White Female type shit. THEN when I bolt out the kitchen and grab my phone, the bitch calls the cops again and lies and says I had a knife to her throat. By this point I'm ready to beat her ass for that, jail or not. The chick cop comes in with a billy clubm threatening to lock me up, and all I keep saying to her was the cops have been here all day. I beg her to go to the neighbors and ask questions. I call the neighbors to intercept the cops in the hallway and they do and the police came no more.
Spent Christmas in that house, with my food and drink in the fucking window to keep it cold, with my good friend to came to help me. Watched about 12 hours of the 24 hour Christmas Story marathon. Didn't see my family, but was kinda fine with it. Thought Christmas was the worst and why was I gonna let this psycho get me down. So I called a friend who was close and set about to move out. Had to walk some of my belongings in cart and saw a long blue van at the light and asked the driver how much they'd charge me to move some stuff a few blocks. $40. Thanks to a van driver named, of all things, Mary, I got the hell outta dodge.
Later that night I'm online and read the Reuter's headline about the tsunami. Instantly, my drama was over. That addicted cunt a memory. Seemed a trite thing now. The Sea came and took many people away. No one to blame. No one to get vengence on. The earth simply hiccuped and shifted a bit and took some people off of it. The scope of this is enourmous. The range of death is beyond what any of us can imagine. You see people surviving something like this and you think of a bored cunt somewhere getting cracked out and you know where you need to be..
I promise that I will only describe someone as crazy if they REALLY are cause now I KNOW what it means. Stark raving mad. Coked outta yer mind from the ID type shit. Walking around talking to yourself. Or just walking. All fucking night…walking..
It’s what Ripley felt, and The Bride, and every other woman who had to face madness and try to not let it fuck with their shit. This poor woman thinks that her being 50 earned her the right to get disturbingly high. This is a woman who gave the fuck up. "I just wanna get fucked up and lose my mind instead dealing with the reality of it all." It’s MY time to get fucked up. My mother said something similar. They DESERVE this. They EARNED it. When you look them in the eye and tell them that they may just have a heart attack or a stroke cause not only are they addicts, but woefully out of shape ones, as addicts tend to be, they don’t care. That’s very deep shit there. They figure that they failed at life and rather than refine the program, they’d rather crack out. Full on. When a young person does that, you can blame it on tragic youth. But if you’re a 50-something and doing coke and E and drinking and smoking AND losing your mind (cause you have been doing it for YEARS)? You’re a fucking loser. I can’t believe we won’t get Social Security cause these worthless fucks are getting wasted with it now. Bitter?….well, yes..
But whatever. They blew their chance. If they can’t get it together, then pick a home now and go get high and when you get sick, we’ll use the money to put you here. Like a retarded child except you feel for the retarded child cause he or she didn’t choose to be retarded. It’s just their path in this life of many. But chicks like this you begin to loathe because they, however pitiful, put themselves through the wringer. They just spin out on worthless crap. They weave neurotic yarns and get all puffed up and frantic. For nothing. Tripping cause they’re too fat and lazy and fucked up. To anyone reading this, if you know me and I live to be 50 and I’m like THIS, you have permission to slap the piss outta me.
Fuck that. If I have to come away with a lesson from this recent experience, it’s know your limits. Once you lose that and you can’t control your impulses, you are LOST. Maybe it’s cause these are hard times in a way, so a wider range of people are starting to snap. But when you come to a point where logic doesn’t enter into your choices, and you react by emotion, it’s a wrap. You’re so consumed with being in state of alarm and anxiety, that you crave it. I feel like I was on the road to there and something slapped me. It was called reality and it hurt like a bitch. I’m ok with it. Has to be what it must to get where it needs to get. I dig. And maybe these past lessons taught me that privacy is sacred and you must have a haven. Somewhere. You may have to lay your head in some crazy places, but you’ll find sanctuary. Eventually.
So Christmas Eve ended with the cops basically telling her that if she locks me out, she gets arrested. They leave and barely get out the building when she goes right back into threats and sniffing and pretending to be on the phone telling the police that I have her at knifepoint. What she didn't know was while she was doing that, I called the neighbors, who in turn, called others and rang the bell as she was "calling the cops". They are all in the hallway and she's in her panties and tee shirt laughing and screaming and pacing and bugging and finally the gravity of the situation hits them. They push her in the house and try to talk to her, asking her questions to see if she understands. She really doesn't. She is consumed with the fact that she can get fucked up in her own house if she wants to. They gently try to explain that you can't when you have tenant. "Fuck that! It's my house and I'll do what I want."
3 women try to calm her down and finally she pretends to get them out of the house. As soon as she locked the door, she started up. I went into the kitchen to wash a dish and she SWOOPS into the kitchen screaming at me not to touch her shit. Then she goes rooting through the kitchen drawer and pulls a knife and blocks my way out of the kitchen. On some Single White Female type shit. THEN when I bolt out the kitchen and grab my phone, the bitch calls the cops again and lies and says I had a knife to her throat. By this point I'm ready to beat her ass for that, jail or not. The chick cop comes in with a billy clubm threatening to lock me up, and all I keep saying to her was the cops have been here all day. I beg her to go to the neighbors and ask questions. I call the neighbors to intercept the cops in the hallway and they do and the police came no more.
Spent Christmas in that house, with my food and drink in the fucking window to keep it cold, with my good friend to came to help me. Watched about 12 hours of the 24 hour Christmas Story marathon. Didn't see my family, but was kinda fine with it. Thought Christmas was the worst and why was I gonna let this psycho get me down. So I called a friend who was close and set about to move out. Had to walk some of my belongings in cart and saw a long blue van at the light and asked the driver how much they'd charge me to move some stuff a few blocks. $40. Thanks to a van driver named, of all things, Mary, I got the hell outta dodge.
Later that night I'm online and read the Reuter's headline about the tsunami. Instantly, my drama was over. That addicted cunt a memory. Seemed a trite thing now. The Sea came and took many people away. No one to blame. No one to get vengence on. The earth simply hiccuped and shifted a bit and took some people off of it. The scope of this is enourmous. The range of death is beyond what any of us can imagine. You see people surviving something like this and you think of a bored cunt somewhere getting cracked out and you know where you need to be..
Hell in a Handbasket
What a Christmas!
We all remember my bi-polar now EX landlord? Guess the holidays gets people in a bad mood so girlfriend decided to get herself nice and fucked up Christmas Eve on cocaine and rum. So fucked up that homegirl was walking around with no panties on singing at 4am while I'm trying to sleep. I finally had to call the police cause she was so messed up she wasn't hearing what I was saying...
That one call started a chain of events I'm still trying to work out in my mind. The cops come and she is so clearly high that I don't have to say very much to them. They try to reason with her, but she's all hopped up. The 1st call was at 6:45am. The dumb bitch calls them back 5 minutes later cause she wants to "set the record straight". She basically gets told by the same cops to shut the fuck up and get back in the house and get some sleep, which of course, she'd refuses to do. The cops are barely out the door when she starts threatening me "Yeah bitch..I WANT MY MONEY or you're dead!" and "You called the cops on me in my own house, it's ON now!". I try to ignore her, but what I've learned about people on drugs, especially coke, is that they HATE to be ignored. She starts banging on the door demanding to know when she's gonna get her money cause she wants to get MORE fucked up. It's a sickening feeling when you have to pay someone money you owe knowing that the first thing they are going to do is run out and get fucked up with it.
The next phase was me waiting for my check to come in the mail (which I was not allowed to pick up myself cause she refused to give me the mailbox key). My check was opened the week before when she gave it to me, just enough to see how much it was. I ask her if it was open when she got it from the mailbox and she flipped out, saying I was accusing her and how dare I. That pretty much sealed her guilt in my mind. Fast forward to Christmas Eve afternoon and she is running back and forth, in and out of the house to see if the mailman is coming. I tell her I'll get my own damn check thank you and leave me alone. This nutjob saw the mail guy, came rushing out of the house with no shoes on so she can commandeer the mail. Neighbors are walking by and she's taking like a retard and even the mail guy is getting creeped out. The bitch REFUSED to let the dude just give me my mail..she insisted that SHE be the one to open the mailbox and give it to me WHILE THE MAIL DUDE IS STILL THERE.
As soon as I got the check in my hands, she wants to know when I'm gonna cash it. I refused to say anything to her so the dumb bitch calls the cops AGAIN. They come and of course she's WAY more fucked up than she was that morning so it's even more obvious. She's so high, that she's talking shit to the cops and they turned to look at me and mouthed to me "You have to get out of here"..
more later.
We all remember my bi-polar now EX landlord? Guess the holidays gets people in a bad mood so girlfriend decided to get herself nice and fucked up Christmas Eve on cocaine and rum. So fucked up that homegirl was walking around with no panties on singing at 4am while I'm trying to sleep. I finally had to call the police cause she was so messed up she wasn't hearing what I was saying...
That one call started a chain of events I'm still trying to work out in my mind. The cops come and she is so clearly high that I don't have to say very much to them. They try to reason with her, but she's all hopped up. The 1st call was at 6:45am. The dumb bitch calls them back 5 minutes later cause she wants to "set the record straight". She basically gets told by the same cops to shut the fuck up and get back in the house and get some sleep, which of course, she'd refuses to do. The cops are barely out the door when she starts threatening me "Yeah bitch..I WANT MY MONEY or you're dead!" and "You called the cops on me in my own house, it's ON now!". I try to ignore her, but what I've learned about people on drugs, especially coke, is that they HATE to be ignored. She starts banging on the door demanding to know when she's gonna get her money cause she wants to get MORE fucked up. It's a sickening feeling when you have to pay someone money you owe knowing that the first thing they are going to do is run out and get fucked up with it.
The next phase was me waiting for my check to come in the mail (which I was not allowed to pick up myself cause she refused to give me the mailbox key). My check was opened the week before when she gave it to me, just enough to see how much it was. I ask her if it was open when she got it from the mailbox and she flipped out, saying I was accusing her and how dare I. That pretty much sealed her guilt in my mind. Fast forward to Christmas Eve afternoon and she is running back and forth, in and out of the house to see if the mailman is coming. I tell her I'll get my own damn check thank you and leave me alone. This nutjob saw the mail guy, came rushing out of the house with no shoes on so she can commandeer the mail. Neighbors are walking by and she's taking like a retard and even the mail guy is getting creeped out. The bitch REFUSED to let the dude just give me my mail..she insisted that SHE be the one to open the mailbox and give it to me WHILE THE MAIL DUDE IS STILL THERE.
As soon as I got the check in my hands, she wants to know when I'm gonna cash it. I refused to say anything to her so the dumb bitch calls the cops AGAIN. They come and of course she's WAY more fucked up than she was that morning so it's even more obvious. She's so high, that she's talking shit to the cops and they turned to look at me and mouthed to me "You have to get out of here"..
more later.
50% of the time...
...living with the Bi Polar ain't so bad. So what she talks to the TV and has arguments with it? No big deal. I'm beginning to get hip to this now. As long as her man is no where in sight and I'm locked securely in my room, all is well.
I know I really slagged this woman down, and I feel kinda bad. She really isn't a bad person, just terribly nutty. She can't help it, I guess. And it seems like I'm having some sort of positive effect on her. The people who know her in the building are EXTREMELY glad to see me and go out of their way to be nice and say hello, like "Thank you for chilling her out. You must be blessed!". I think people just gave up on her and wrote her off, yet I have to make an attempt to be nice and understanding cause I HAVE to live there. And I, despite my crazy life, am a pretty laid back person. There's nothing like some outside person quietly observing your madness to make you question just what the fuck you are doing.
She's really trying and I am trying to let her know I know she's trying. As long as she has the strength to keep the asshole at arm's distance, she may be ok. She's straightening up her house and life and it seems she hasn't had another female presence around to support her in that. Again, it's a fine line between being objectively supportive and getting involved in someone's shit. But I see what happens when women let themselves become absorbed with their man instead of themselves.
Put out some good vibes for her. And me.
I know I really slagged this woman down, and I feel kinda bad. She really isn't a bad person, just terribly nutty. She can't help it, I guess. And it seems like I'm having some sort of positive effect on her. The people who know her in the building are EXTREMELY glad to see me and go out of their way to be nice and say hello, like "Thank you for chilling her out. You must be blessed!". I think people just gave up on her and wrote her off, yet I have to make an attempt to be nice and understanding cause I HAVE to live there. And I, despite my crazy life, am a pretty laid back person. There's nothing like some outside person quietly observing your madness to make you question just what the fuck you are doing.
She's really trying and I am trying to let her know I know she's trying. As long as she has the strength to keep the asshole at arm's distance, she may be ok. She's straightening up her house and life and it seems she hasn't had another female presence around to support her in that. Again, it's a fine line between being objectively supportive and getting involved in someone's shit. But I see what happens when women let themselves become absorbed with their man instead of themselves.
Put out some good vibes for her. And me.
A Big Mouth on a Short Leash
If you read the last entry, you know that I live with a bona-fide mental patient. When we last left BiPolar Middle Aged Black Woman, she called the cops on her young Puerto Rican boyfriend. Not more than 2 days later, homeboy is back in her good graces, cooking her lobster and shrimp. So now you know, folks. You wanna keep a crazy black woman happy? Plow seafood into her face..
I have an amazing ability to make friends with people even in the most extreme cases, and her next door neighbors (who have known her all her life and know that she will probably die untreated) are this really cool Afrocentric arty couple in their 50’s who dig me. So while she’s scarfing seafood with her dysfunctional other, I go hang with the arty couple and have a great time. My friend comes over and we 4 hang and have a great night. Until..
The psychotic bitch, who made such a production about her man being there, LEAVES him there to come next door and throw a hissy fit. She can’t even TRY to fake decorum. She barges in and starts looking around like a wife looking for evidence of infidelity. She even went and found some other building chick and brought her too. We are staring at her like she’s got two heads, incredulous that she is really that insane. I used to use the word crazy arbitrarily, but now I really see what it means. She had no way of moderating herself on any level. She thought it was perfectly normal that she get an attitude..
My friend and I get back in a few hours later to find that her and her dude are rolling their asses off on Ecstasy. It’s like listening to a severely retarded couple trying to discuss their relationship. The bitch had an attitude cause I hung out with the neighbors for "3 and a half hours" but not with her and her man. She was nasty and cold and totally 180 degrees from where she was hours before. At 4am, this punk knocks on my bedroom door, with that jaw-nashing shit that E heads have, telling me that my friend can stay cause HE says so. I look in his eyes and realize that I have to get out of this situation ASAP.
It’s a very fine line I have to walk for the next month. I have to somehow hold my tongue and mask my thoughts until I have enough money to leave. I’m not telling her when or where. I’ll just find another place and I’ll wait for her to go to work and move. Leave the keys with the neighbors. It’s like THAT. I thought I knew people who were crazy, but this is scary. She tells me that she’s scared to death of fires cause she’s had two already and lost everything she had. Mkay. The other day someone comes to the door and she leaves and leaves a pot of boiling water on. Thank god I smelled the bottom of the pot burning and turned it off. She comes back and I tell her she did that and all she was concerned about was why I didn’t hang with her and her man over the weekend. Every time I speak to this woman, I get a feeling of dread cause she is so clearly lost that even logic doesn’t work. You look in her eyes and she doesn’t even get that she’s nuts. That’s the true sign that someone is mentally ill. If you know someone and they say "I think something is wrong with me cause I feel bad" or they know they aren’t happy or well, then chances are they aren’t insane. They just have some issues to sort through. But this is not that case. She goes from one extreme to another with such speed that she can’t see it. I alternate between feeling sorry for her, to feeling like I have to get the hell out of there before something bad happens.
I won’t say that I’m psychic, but I have a bad feeling about the boyfriend. It’s when he shows up that it knocks her off of whatever fragile balance she has. It’s always the same type of guy, no matter what the race is. Insecure, fawning, immature, chaotic, manipulative, unable to stay still, always needs to be drunk or high before confronting anything, easily intimidated and needs to be paid attention to at any cost. I know this type well. I hate that type of guy and he knows it immediately. I am the match to his gasoline cause I have no patience for that type of punk. A guy like him finds nothing wrong with playing on the emotions of a mentally ill woman, and now he sees that I am hip to the kind of asshole he is and he gets no respect from me. Maybe a condescending pleasantness, but never respect. My homeboy is a very large brother whom he is already intimidated by. It’s only a matter of time before he tries to assert his "authority" cause he knows he has none. All I can hope is that this is kept at bay for the next 3 weeks and I can slip out of here quietly.
I have an amazing ability to make friends with people even in the most extreme cases, and her next door neighbors (who have known her all her life and know that she will probably die untreated) are this really cool Afrocentric arty couple in their 50’s who dig me. So while she’s scarfing seafood with her dysfunctional other, I go hang with the arty couple and have a great time. My friend comes over and we 4 hang and have a great night. Until..
The psychotic bitch, who made such a production about her man being there, LEAVES him there to come next door and throw a hissy fit. She can’t even TRY to fake decorum. She barges in and starts looking around like a wife looking for evidence of infidelity. She even went and found some other building chick and brought her too. We are staring at her like she’s got two heads, incredulous that she is really that insane. I used to use the word crazy arbitrarily, but now I really see what it means. She had no way of moderating herself on any level. She thought it was perfectly normal that she get an attitude..
My friend and I get back in a few hours later to find that her and her dude are rolling their asses off on Ecstasy. It’s like listening to a severely retarded couple trying to discuss their relationship. The bitch had an attitude cause I hung out with the neighbors for "3 and a half hours" but not with her and her man. She was nasty and cold and totally 180 degrees from where she was hours before. At 4am, this punk knocks on my bedroom door, with that jaw-nashing shit that E heads have, telling me that my friend can stay cause HE says so. I look in his eyes and realize that I have to get out of this situation ASAP.
It’s a very fine line I have to walk for the next month. I have to somehow hold my tongue and mask my thoughts until I have enough money to leave. I’m not telling her when or where. I’ll just find another place and I’ll wait for her to go to work and move. Leave the keys with the neighbors. It’s like THAT. I thought I knew people who were crazy, but this is scary. She tells me that she’s scared to death of fires cause she’s had two already and lost everything she had. Mkay. The other day someone comes to the door and she leaves and leaves a pot of boiling water on. Thank god I smelled the bottom of the pot burning and turned it off. She comes back and I tell her she did that and all she was concerned about was why I didn’t hang with her and her man over the weekend. Every time I speak to this woman, I get a feeling of dread cause she is so clearly lost that even logic doesn’t work. You look in her eyes and she doesn’t even get that she’s nuts. That’s the true sign that someone is mentally ill. If you know someone and they say "I think something is wrong with me cause I feel bad" or they know they aren’t happy or well, then chances are they aren’t insane. They just have some issues to sort through. But this is not that case. She goes from one extreme to another with such speed that she can’t see it. I alternate between feeling sorry for her, to feeling like I have to get the hell out of there before something bad happens.
I won’t say that I’m psychic, but I have a bad feeling about the boyfriend. It’s when he shows up that it knocks her off of whatever fragile balance she has. It’s always the same type of guy, no matter what the race is. Insecure, fawning, immature, chaotic, manipulative, unable to stay still, always needs to be drunk or high before confronting anything, easily intimidated and needs to be paid attention to at any cost. I know this type well. I hate that type of guy and he knows it immediately. I am the match to his gasoline cause I have no patience for that type of punk. A guy like him finds nothing wrong with playing on the emotions of a mentally ill woman, and now he sees that I am hip to the kind of asshole he is and he gets no respect from me. Maybe a condescending pleasantness, but never respect. My homeboy is a very large brother whom he is already intimidated by. It’s only a matter of time before he tries to assert his "authority" cause he knows he has none. All I can hope is that this is kept at bay for the next 3 weeks and I can slip out of here quietly.
Chicks are losing their shit..
There is a horrible trend I've been unfortunately witnessing for the past couple of years, which just keeps getting worse and worse..
It seems every woman I've roomated with always has some fucked up guy who is making their lives, and the lives of the unlucky people who are around them, unbearable. It's always a drug habit or alcohol problem; it's always about him thinking it's his house cause she lets him stay there and fuck her and eat shit. Maybe he paid a phone or cable bill one month and that entitles him to be a dick cause now it's HIS house and he's paying the bills..
Had my ex-best friend over the summer decide she's going to hook up with a multiple Schedule I drug addicted, gay escort, drug dealing Satanist and allowed him to bring all of his sick bullshit into her life and home. Then she decided that he needs to be accepted by her family while they are focused on the fact that her father is dying of cancer. She brings this asshole to the hospital while the family is trying to hold it together, and the sick freak has a tantrum IN THE HOSPITAL cause the family doesn't like him. Could it be that he couldn't get through Thanksgiving ONE HOUR before he had to run out to sniff? What's most distressing about this sick relationship is that a supposedly intelligent woman felt that she could control this guy and it wound up being the opposite.
PLUS the fact that she LIKES the Satanist stuff and even went so far as to make a "love charm" for this guy with a lock of her hair...Even if you don't believe in those things, who the hell could be that stupid? Now her family is pissed at her and don't want anything to do with her as long as she insists on forcing people to deal with a psycho just cause she's too weak and stupid to rid herself of him. She's even trying to have a baby with him (after having had aborted the last one not less than 6 months ago, combined with the fact that she's having unprotected sex with a drug addicted gay escort..)
Fleeing that situation, I rent a room from a quiet, nice Dominican lady. For a few months, it's cool..the neighbors are retards that think it's ok to blast merengue at top volume at 4am on a Tuesday cause everyone else does, right? But the house is clean, for the most part, quiet, and we are both working women who value peace. My homeboy comes to visit and is very respectful and she is great about it. Then one day I come home and her ex-husband is in the house without her. The door is not locked and he's drunk off his ass. I don't mean tipsy, I mean shitfaced, ossified drunk. He can't stand straight and his eyes are swimming unfocused in his head. I guess he took a shine to me cause he starts asking me where my boyfriend is and have I been working out. Execept be barely speaks English and he's invading my personal space. So I have to become Hard Core Dreadlock Warrior Woman and stare him down so he knows what the deal is. She speaks little english and has no idea what he's saying. I have to wait till the next morning to tell this fuck never to step to me again. I even write the lady a letter in spanish telling her what went down and how it can't become a habit or I have to leave. A week later, her whole 8 member family moves back from the Domincan Republic into a 2 bedroom apartment cause Papi called home and told them the nigger in the house spoke out of turn to him.
So I flee to my current situation. A seemingly intelligent 50 year old black woman who has a junky house, but a large room for rent. She said she worked from home and she just seemed messy, but I can clean my space so what the hell, right? The day I go to look at the apartment (after being sent to see some real horror story places), and she has a young Puerto Rican boyfriend chilling on the couch. Whatever..none of my business..
I knew something was wrong when I was due to move in on a Saturday and she cancels and tells me she had a death in the family and is on LI. Doesn't offer a solution, I just can't move in. And she has to be back in LI on Monday. The next day I move in and she never again mentions the death. Red flag #1. Monday comes and goes and I realize no one has died, she lied. That night I also find out that she has a coke habit that she will make painfully obvious by geeking out for the next three days straight. No job or work, all you hear is sniffing and her walking through the house all night singing and talking to herself. At the apex of this binge, she knocks on the door Fri night, standing there in nothing but a tee shirt and coke all over her nose and face, railing out her mind, telling me how cool I am, and if I wanna party, go for it. She did so much coke that for the following 3 days, she is sick and sleeping and embarrassed. So she tried to make me feel comfortable by promising that will never happen again and for a few days, we get back on track..
Until last night when we are both home chilling after work and someone starts banging on the door. It's PR boyfriend. Then the sick shit begins with her knocking on my door to tell me her man is staying over, but he's drunk, ok? That old sinking feeling creeps in and I know what I'm in for. Of course, it starts coming down to "This is my fucking house and I pay the bills...." They start fighting and yelling and I tell her I no longer feel comfortable having a person like him in the house overnight and she turns to me and says she's sorry but she can't fight him to get him out, and fuck that, he's not leaving, all indignant and ghetto..
Her cousin and his wife live down the hall and they knew what the deal was and offered their help should anything "happen". I go there pissed off and needing to know just what the hell I'm dealing with. I get handed a big knife and told to do something spiritual to calm my energy. What the fuck...
By now, I feel like a refugee who has to pick up and flee again. I get back in the house and now they are fighting again and she calls the cops and LEAVES THE APARTMENT to wait for the cops, locking me in the house with this drunk belligerent man who's yelling to someone on the phone. I decide that if anything is going down, I'm gonna have to Kill Bill-it and confront dude before he gets any ideas. He's in the living room, drunk and smoking a butt, and I go right up to him and break it down. "I don't know you, bro, but this shit is none of my business. If the cops come up here, I ain't involved". Dude starts trying to plead his case TO ME about how fucked up she is and that's why he don't want to come around anymore. So now, I gotta play fucking relationship counselor?!? "I don't give a fuck..I pay rent here to live in peace, not to get in the middle of total strangers bullshit. " I basically used the tactic of "Hey dude, if the cops throw you outta here, don't come looking to fuck up my shit. If they hassle you, take that shit up with your woman and leave me and my shit in peace". Surprisingly, he paused and said "'Ight, boo..you don't have to say nuthin' else. You can go back in your room, I got it. " Cool. The cops come, there's drama and yelling and he goes. She's all apologetic and ashamed, and being that I am very compassionate, I tell her it's ok and get some rest.
But I can't do this anymore. I lived alone for 11 years and all was great UNTIL my house got broken into by an ex-boyfriend (I wasn't there when it happend, thank god), and made me realize that being a solitary woman, as liberating as it is, has some very serious drawbacks. You sacrifice being in a relationship cause you know you have things that have to be accomplished that no man can accomplish for you. You learn to like solitude cause it helps you get in touch with yourself and what you are about. But you are a target because there is no man there to "protect" you. All the independence in the world won't stop some sick fuck from trying to break in and rape you. And unless you happen to be Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill and are nice with a sword, you have to live with the real fear that just being a woman living alone is dangerous.
You realize that the only option you have, besides finding someone to take care of you, is to make alot of money to insure you live safely. That's what it takes. You wanna be independent and safe at the same time? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it. You're gonna pay for it if you DON'T have money, so you might as well shell out the dough. Especially in NYC. You want a safe quiet place of your own with security downstairs? Be ready to pay minimum $1200 a month for a closet with a bed. It's either that or your spend your energy desparate to find a husband so your don't have to work and have "security". For a woman like me, that's about as unrealistic as waiting for your prince to come.
I heard today that Desparate Housewives (which is just Sex in the City in the Suburbs) is the highest rated show on the air. Bored stupid white bitches with too much time and money fucking around on their husbands cause security got too boring for them. There needs to be a show called Endangered Single Women and the reality of what that really means.
I'll let you know when I have the first draft ready...
It seems every woman I've roomated with always has some fucked up guy who is making their lives, and the lives of the unlucky people who are around them, unbearable. It's always a drug habit or alcohol problem; it's always about him thinking it's his house cause she lets him stay there and fuck her and eat shit. Maybe he paid a phone or cable bill one month and that entitles him to be a dick cause now it's HIS house and he's paying the bills..
Had my ex-best friend over the summer decide she's going to hook up with a multiple Schedule I drug addicted, gay escort, drug dealing Satanist and allowed him to bring all of his sick bullshit into her life and home. Then she decided that he needs to be accepted by her family while they are focused on the fact that her father is dying of cancer. She brings this asshole to the hospital while the family is trying to hold it together, and the sick freak has a tantrum IN THE HOSPITAL cause the family doesn't like him. Could it be that he couldn't get through Thanksgiving ONE HOUR before he had to run out to sniff? What's most distressing about this sick relationship is that a supposedly intelligent woman felt that she could control this guy and it wound up being the opposite.
PLUS the fact that she LIKES the Satanist stuff and even went so far as to make a "love charm" for this guy with a lock of her hair...Even if you don't believe in those things, who the hell could be that stupid? Now her family is pissed at her and don't want anything to do with her as long as she insists on forcing people to deal with a psycho just cause she's too weak and stupid to rid herself of him. She's even trying to have a baby with him (after having had aborted the last one not less than 6 months ago, combined with the fact that she's having unprotected sex with a drug addicted gay escort..)
Fleeing that situation, I rent a room from a quiet, nice Dominican lady. For a few months, it's cool..the neighbors are retards that think it's ok to blast merengue at top volume at 4am on a Tuesday cause everyone else does, right? But the house is clean, for the most part, quiet, and we are both working women who value peace. My homeboy comes to visit and is very respectful and she is great about it. Then one day I come home and her ex-husband is in the house without her. The door is not locked and he's drunk off his ass. I don't mean tipsy, I mean shitfaced, ossified drunk. He can't stand straight and his eyes are swimming unfocused in his head. I guess he took a shine to me cause he starts asking me where my boyfriend is and have I been working out. Execept be barely speaks English and he's invading my personal space. So I have to become Hard Core Dreadlock Warrior Woman and stare him down so he knows what the deal is. She speaks little english and has no idea what he's saying. I have to wait till the next morning to tell this fuck never to step to me again. I even write the lady a letter in spanish telling her what went down and how it can't become a habit or I have to leave. A week later, her whole 8 member family moves back from the Domincan Republic into a 2 bedroom apartment cause Papi called home and told them the nigger in the house spoke out of turn to him.
So I flee to my current situation. A seemingly intelligent 50 year old black woman who has a junky house, but a large room for rent. She said she worked from home and she just seemed messy, but I can clean my space so what the hell, right? The day I go to look at the apartment (after being sent to see some real horror story places), and she has a young Puerto Rican boyfriend chilling on the couch. Whatever..none of my business..
I knew something was wrong when I was due to move in on a Saturday and she cancels and tells me she had a death in the family and is on LI. Doesn't offer a solution, I just can't move in. And she has to be back in LI on Monday. The next day I move in and she never again mentions the death. Red flag #1. Monday comes and goes and I realize no one has died, she lied. That night I also find out that she has a coke habit that she will make painfully obvious by geeking out for the next three days straight. No job or work, all you hear is sniffing and her walking through the house all night singing and talking to herself. At the apex of this binge, she knocks on the door Fri night, standing there in nothing but a tee shirt and coke all over her nose and face, railing out her mind, telling me how cool I am, and if I wanna party, go for it. She did so much coke that for the following 3 days, she is sick and sleeping and embarrassed. So she tried to make me feel comfortable by promising that will never happen again and for a few days, we get back on track..
Until last night when we are both home chilling after work and someone starts banging on the door. It's PR boyfriend. Then the sick shit begins with her knocking on my door to tell me her man is staying over, but he's drunk, ok? That old sinking feeling creeps in and I know what I'm in for. Of course, it starts coming down to "This is my fucking house and I pay the bills...." They start fighting and yelling and I tell her I no longer feel comfortable having a person like him in the house overnight and she turns to me and says she's sorry but she can't fight him to get him out, and fuck that, he's not leaving, all indignant and ghetto..
Her cousin and his wife live down the hall and they knew what the deal was and offered their help should anything "happen". I go there pissed off and needing to know just what the hell I'm dealing with. I get handed a big knife and told to do something spiritual to calm my energy. What the fuck...
By now, I feel like a refugee who has to pick up and flee again. I get back in the house and now they are fighting again and she calls the cops and LEAVES THE APARTMENT to wait for the cops, locking me in the house with this drunk belligerent man who's yelling to someone on the phone. I decide that if anything is going down, I'm gonna have to Kill Bill-it and confront dude before he gets any ideas. He's in the living room, drunk and smoking a butt, and I go right up to him and break it down. "I don't know you, bro, but this shit is none of my business. If the cops come up here, I ain't involved". Dude starts trying to plead his case TO ME about how fucked up she is and that's why he don't want to come around anymore. So now, I gotta play fucking relationship counselor?!? "I don't give a fuck..I pay rent here to live in peace, not to get in the middle of total strangers bullshit. " I basically used the tactic of "Hey dude, if the cops throw you outta here, don't come looking to fuck up my shit. If they hassle you, take that shit up with your woman and leave me and my shit in peace". Surprisingly, he paused and said "'Ight, boo..you don't have to say nuthin' else. You can go back in your room, I got it. " Cool. The cops come, there's drama and yelling and he goes. She's all apologetic and ashamed, and being that I am very compassionate, I tell her it's ok and get some rest.
But I can't do this anymore. I lived alone for 11 years and all was great UNTIL my house got broken into by an ex-boyfriend (I wasn't there when it happend, thank god), and made me realize that being a solitary woman, as liberating as it is, has some very serious drawbacks. You sacrifice being in a relationship cause you know you have things that have to be accomplished that no man can accomplish for you. You learn to like solitude cause it helps you get in touch with yourself and what you are about. But you are a target because there is no man there to "protect" you. All the independence in the world won't stop some sick fuck from trying to break in and rape you. And unless you happen to be Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill and are nice with a sword, you have to live with the real fear that just being a woman living alone is dangerous.
You realize that the only option you have, besides finding someone to take care of you, is to make alot of money to insure you live safely. That's what it takes. You wanna be independent and safe at the same time? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it. You're gonna pay for it if you DON'T have money, so you might as well shell out the dough. Especially in NYC. You want a safe quiet place of your own with security downstairs? Be ready to pay minimum $1200 a month for a closet with a bed. It's either that or your spend your energy desparate to find a husband so your don't have to work and have "security". For a woman like me, that's about as unrealistic as waiting for your prince to come.
I heard today that Desparate Housewives (which is just Sex in the City in the Suburbs) is the highest rated show on the air. Bored stupid white bitches with too much time and money fucking around on their husbands cause security got too boring for them. There needs to be a show called Endangered Single Women and the reality of what that really means.
I'll let you know when I have the first draft ready...
The Clock is ticking..
This may sound morbid (when do I NOT sound morbid these days), but I, like many others, have grown to hate the holidays.
Nothing against Christmas cheer, but this time of year has a strange effect on people. If you are a reasonably happy sort of person and you have cute little kids around that you enjoy having there, then this time of year is a happy, giggly mess of feelgood emotions. But if you're just another jaded, frustrated, morbid fuck like I am, this time of year is a real fucking downer.
I traced the impetus to this sad train of thought to the sudden death of my grandfather on Dec. 23, 1982, which places me at 12 years old. My first meeting with Death and I wasn't really impressed. My grandpa was a very successful alcoholic, who was for the most part, was a jovial guy. Not your mean, abusive drunk, rather a funny but underlyingly sad drunk. I remember being 4 or 5 and he would call me George: "Hey George...go get me another beer" or "George, change the channel to 9 for me, k, pal?" He did it so much that I didn't question it, I was George. If he was really drunk, I got called Charlie and again, being the wickedly smart little bugger I was, I went with it. I remember decorating the Christmas tree and listening to the John Lennon tribute on the radio cause they started doing that around the time he died (which is another story in itself that I will tell later..) My aunt kept calling for my mom who hadn't come home from work yet. She gets home and gets the call and starts sobbing. My mother NEVER cries and to see her sobbing like a kid scared the hell outta me. I thought she was joking. But she wasn't.
So began the end of my innocent happy holiday days. Ever since that year, it all kind of deteriorated. The teenage years of the 80's when I wanted to dress like Denise Huxtable from the Cosby show and they wanted me to dress like Laura fucking Ingalls. They'd get me stuff like panties and socks or bras that didn't fit. One could simply look at me and know at a glance I wasn't a B cup, but dammit, if they said I was a B-cup, then to hell with my C-quickly turning into D-Cup titties..
Then was the cunty little practice of getting me something that they KNEW I would despise just so they could go "Well, if you don't want it you ungrateful little bitch, then I'll keep it". THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST BUY IT FOR YOURSELF???? Years of watching my family drink themselves into fights and bad games of Pochino, all the while sending me to make drinks and tend to the brood of kids they weren't paying attention to..
So now I get ready to swerve into age 35 and wonder what the hell is left? In the last couple of years, I have developed somewhat pagan leanings and the concept of Yule appeals to me. From the darkness the light returns and grows stronger. I dig that. Makes alot of sense. More sense than living in an apartment on the 6th floor when I was 4 and wondering 1) How did Santa deliver presents to you if you only have a radiator?, and 2) Did Santa have keys to everyone's apartment in NYC and how did he know who's was which and 3) Did he use the elevator or the stairs? and 4) Where did he park the reindeer? These are the things that kept my tiny mind spinning on Christmas Eve.
For the last 8 years, by celebrations consist of stringing those cool white icicle looking lights in my space, with my pointsetta and my big white candles. Instead of buying useless shit that I know the people I'm giving them to will never use, I make things..jewelry, collage boxes, crocheted stuff, hand painted things. The few people in my life who are truly enlightened really love the gifts cause they know it was made just for them. And I don't feel like such a materialistic whore. But that's just me.
If any of you are feeling the same, take some solice in knowing that time flies and before you know it, it'll be Valentine's Day and a whole new reason to want to wretch...
PEACE, LOVE and BEATZ!!
Nothing against Christmas cheer, but this time of year has a strange effect on people. If you are a reasonably happy sort of person and you have cute little kids around that you enjoy having there, then this time of year is a happy, giggly mess of feelgood emotions. But if you're just another jaded, frustrated, morbid fuck like I am, this time of year is a real fucking downer.
I traced the impetus to this sad train of thought to the sudden death of my grandfather on Dec. 23, 1982, which places me at 12 years old. My first meeting with Death and I wasn't really impressed. My grandpa was a very successful alcoholic, who was for the most part, was a jovial guy. Not your mean, abusive drunk, rather a funny but underlyingly sad drunk. I remember being 4 or 5 and he would call me George: "Hey George...go get me another beer" or "George, change the channel to 9 for me, k, pal?" He did it so much that I didn't question it, I was George. If he was really drunk, I got called Charlie and again, being the wickedly smart little bugger I was, I went with it. I remember decorating the Christmas tree and listening to the John Lennon tribute on the radio cause they started doing that around the time he died (which is another story in itself that I will tell later..) My aunt kept calling for my mom who hadn't come home from work yet. She gets home and gets the call and starts sobbing. My mother NEVER cries and to see her sobbing like a kid scared the hell outta me. I thought she was joking. But she wasn't.
So began the end of my innocent happy holiday days. Ever since that year, it all kind of deteriorated. The teenage years of the 80's when I wanted to dress like Denise Huxtable from the Cosby show and they wanted me to dress like Laura fucking Ingalls. They'd get me stuff like panties and socks or bras that didn't fit. One could simply look at me and know at a glance I wasn't a B cup, but dammit, if they said I was a B-cup, then to hell with my C-quickly turning into D-Cup titties..
Then was the cunty little practice of getting me something that they KNEW I would despise just so they could go "Well, if you don't want it you ungrateful little bitch, then I'll keep it". THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST BUY IT FOR YOURSELF???? Years of watching my family drink themselves into fights and bad games of Pochino, all the while sending me to make drinks and tend to the brood of kids they weren't paying attention to..
So now I get ready to swerve into age 35 and wonder what the hell is left? In the last couple of years, I have developed somewhat pagan leanings and the concept of Yule appeals to me. From the darkness the light returns and grows stronger. I dig that. Makes alot of sense. More sense than living in an apartment on the 6th floor when I was 4 and wondering 1) How did Santa deliver presents to you if you only have a radiator?, and 2) Did Santa have keys to everyone's apartment in NYC and how did he know who's was which and 3) Did he use the elevator or the stairs? and 4) Where did he park the reindeer? These are the things that kept my tiny mind spinning on Christmas Eve.
For the last 8 years, by celebrations consist of stringing those cool white icicle looking lights in my space, with my pointsetta and my big white candles. Instead of buying useless shit that I know the people I'm giving them to will never use, I make things..jewelry, collage boxes, crocheted stuff, hand painted things. The few people in my life who are truly enlightened really love the gifts cause they know it was made just for them. And I don't feel like such a materialistic whore. But that's just me.
If any of you are feeling the same, take some solice in knowing that time flies and before you know it, it'll be Valentine's Day and a whole new reason to want to wretch...
PEACE, LOVE and BEATZ!!
Just what the hell IS going on with me as of late?
After what seemed like the most volitile summer I've had since my teen years, I have finally settled into a peaceful existence. I guess I had to hit some nasty bumps to get my shit back on track.
The upside is that I have now what I treasure most and have not had in years...SOLITUDE. If you know someone who can't bear to be alone and goes through all kinds of drama, you should try to gently explain the virtues of solitude. When I was a kid, I used get punished for the tiniest crap (cause my mom was a bitch). But as the years went on, I realized that being alone GOT ME AWAY from all the bitches in the world. Why sit around and listen to yet another neurotic cunt rail on about what she DESERVES when I could turn on my heel, shut the door and finish the 9,000 books that have been sitting in boxes for months.
So there you have it. I should have some real exciting Halloween stories for you and even some sound clips from the Junglistic Halloween Massif @ Karma NYC (if you are a NYC head and likey the Drum and Bass,hit me with a VM andI'll give you the scoop)..
stay tuned and...
Boo!
The upside is that I have now what I treasure most and have not had in years...SOLITUDE. If you know someone who can't bear to be alone and goes through all kinds of drama, you should try to gently explain the virtues of solitude. When I was a kid, I used get punished for the tiniest crap (cause my mom was a bitch). But as the years went on, I realized that being alone GOT ME AWAY from all the bitches in the world. Why sit around and listen to yet another neurotic cunt rail on about what she DESERVES when I could turn on my heel, shut the door and finish the 9,000 books that have been sitting in boxes for months.
So there you have it. I should have some real exciting Halloween stories for you and even some sound clips from the Junglistic Halloween Massif @ Karma NYC (if you are a NYC head and likey the Drum and Bass,hit me with a VM andI'll give you the scoop)..
stay tuned and...
Boo!
Blog Rockin' Beatz I
Float2
The end of the beginning of the end...
The winds of Autumn start to blow and things are dying all over the place. It was a crazy summer. It seemed like I was running from one bad vibe to another. I had more than my share of mental garbage that needed to be thrown out. This season’s lessons have taught me that maturity is not age defined and humans are a poisonous lot if left unchecked.
An example:
Dilly girls are sickening. Not down to earth women who struggle with issues that all women struggle with. I mean dilly, fake, flirty, cookie cutter, hair flipping, shallow bitches. Women like me struggle long and hard to shatter the myth of the stupid chick that lives for her man and nothing else and to see some stupid chick waiving her strengths just to say she has a boyfriend makes me dry heave.
There’s this silly chick who works for an almost defunct comedy show. She likes one of the comedians who, being an uptight white guy, can’t seem to reckon with a certain fierce sistah that commands his attention just sitting there watching the show. Sistah was startin to dig white guy, who didn’t seem at the time to be the jerk he appears to be on TV. So Sistah chills and likes White Guy at a respectful distance cause he’s married and Sistah ain’t playing that game cause no one ever really wins it. Sistah thinks “I’ll just get to know him and be a friend”.
But of course, for every woman who has the guts and self restraint not to fuck with a married man, there’s always some little bitch that sees her chance and takes it. One day Uptight Married White Guy sees the opportunity to blatantly flirt with Dilly Young Girl, but only when Sistah is within ear or eye shot. DYG is very confused and almost embarrassed by this the first 3 or 4 times as UMWG is obviously playing on her emotions to be a prick to the Sistah, who isn’t really sure why UMWG is even tripping in the first place, being that all she’s ever done is show up and be supportive and friendly.
It gets interesting when DYG finally sees the game and allows herself to start digging it. Only problem is that UMWG is STILL very aware of The Sistah and he’s basically trying to play one off the other. Sistah gets hip to the vibe and very coolly backs off. No drama or finger snapping or neck rolling. Just quietly seeing the situation and realizing you can only be used as far as you let yourself.
You would think that a savvy young chick would see this playing out and say to herself “This dude is just using me to try to make someone else feel jealous cause he can’t handle the fact that he’s an uptight white guy attracted to a sistah that’s got him all intrigued, plus the fact that he’s married. How fucked up is that?!”. Nope. Instead, she laps up the manipulative attentions of this bastid and actually gets off on the fact that he’s being a prick to the Sistah.
It gets even more sordid when UMWG starts hurrying away at the end of the shows and so does DYG. The Sistah sees that DYG not only hangs around waiting, but she’s giddy and singing like an idiot and generally making it REALLY OBVIOUS that she’s fucking around with a married man AND being a shallow, annoying cuntrag to another woman she has no reason to dislike. She actually started literally skipping down the street for a whole block like a 5 year old. Sistah sees this and wonders what it must be like to be so naïve and needy for attention that you would accept such an exploitive situation started with such foul intentions. It’s like “Honey, if he really liked you, Sistah wouldn’t have had to be part of the equation. If it was all about you (like if it was all about HIS WIFE), then he would’ve discretely made his move. But instead, he used Sistah’s now fading interest in him TO FORCE YOU INTO A BAD MOVE. Not to mention her showing no respect for his wife and her obvious immaturity. And in her mind, she thinks she won something. She is too young and stupid to see that not only did she show herself to be a conniving, easily manipulated little cunt, but she opened herself up for some serious karmic payback down the line.
So this forced Sistah to reconsider what she saw in UMWG in the first place. It’s really sad when you have admiration for someone and they show themselves to be such a fucked up person. It actually served to make her very proud that she had the maturity and self restraint to resist making a similar mistake. But it goes to show that people, especially the hopelessly insecure, will go to any lengths to get what they want, even if it shows them to be a rotten person, which only makes them more insecure. You would think a 42 year old man would have gone about it with more skill, but then again how much skill does it take to seduce a kid?
In the end, I met many quasi famous men who, with the exception of very few, are no more than insecure boys playing on the neurotic needs of chicks with no sense of themselves. Sistah came away from this experience with a touch of sadness that things may not get better as you get older. Even the best of us who see the handwriting on the wall and know the price you pay for ignoring it must be diligent in resisting the tricks of the immature.
An example:
Dilly girls are sickening. Not down to earth women who struggle with issues that all women struggle with. I mean dilly, fake, flirty, cookie cutter, hair flipping, shallow bitches. Women like me struggle long and hard to shatter the myth of the stupid chick that lives for her man and nothing else and to see some stupid chick waiving her strengths just to say she has a boyfriend makes me dry heave.
There’s this silly chick who works for an almost defunct comedy show. She likes one of the comedians who, being an uptight white guy, can’t seem to reckon with a certain fierce sistah that commands his attention just sitting there watching the show. Sistah was startin to dig white guy, who didn’t seem at the time to be the jerk he appears to be on TV. So Sistah chills and likes White Guy at a respectful distance cause he’s married and Sistah ain’t playing that game cause no one ever really wins it. Sistah thinks “I’ll just get to know him and be a friend”.
But of course, for every woman who has the guts and self restraint not to fuck with a married man, there’s always some little bitch that sees her chance and takes it. One day Uptight Married White Guy sees the opportunity to blatantly flirt with Dilly Young Girl, but only when Sistah is within ear or eye shot. DYG is very confused and almost embarrassed by this the first 3 or 4 times as UMWG is obviously playing on her emotions to be a prick to the Sistah, who isn’t really sure why UMWG is even tripping in the first place, being that all she’s ever done is show up and be supportive and friendly.
It gets interesting when DYG finally sees the game and allows herself to start digging it. Only problem is that UMWG is STILL very aware of The Sistah and he’s basically trying to play one off the other. Sistah gets hip to the vibe and very coolly backs off. No drama or finger snapping or neck rolling. Just quietly seeing the situation and realizing you can only be used as far as you let yourself.
You would think that a savvy young chick would see this playing out and say to herself “This dude is just using me to try to make someone else feel jealous cause he can’t handle the fact that he’s an uptight white guy attracted to a sistah that’s got him all intrigued, plus the fact that he’s married. How fucked up is that?!”. Nope. Instead, she laps up the manipulative attentions of this bastid and actually gets off on the fact that he’s being a prick to the Sistah.
It gets even more sordid when UMWG starts hurrying away at the end of the shows and so does DYG. The Sistah sees that DYG not only hangs around waiting, but she’s giddy and singing like an idiot and generally making it REALLY OBVIOUS that she’s fucking around with a married man AND being a shallow, annoying cuntrag to another woman she has no reason to dislike. She actually started literally skipping down the street for a whole block like a 5 year old. Sistah sees this and wonders what it must be like to be so naïve and needy for attention that you would accept such an exploitive situation started with such foul intentions. It’s like “Honey, if he really liked you, Sistah wouldn’t have had to be part of the equation. If it was all about you (like if it was all about HIS WIFE), then he would’ve discretely made his move. But instead, he used Sistah’s now fading interest in him TO FORCE YOU INTO A BAD MOVE. Not to mention her showing no respect for his wife and her obvious immaturity. And in her mind, she thinks she won something. She is too young and stupid to see that not only did she show herself to be a conniving, easily manipulated little cunt, but she opened herself up for some serious karmic payback down the line.
So this forced Sistah to reconsider what she saw in UMWG in the first place. It’s really sad when you have admiration for someone and they show themselves to be such a fucked up person. It actually served to make her very proud that she had the maturity and self restraint to resist making a similar mistake. But it goes to show that people, especially the hopelessly insecure, will go to any lengths to get what they want, even if it shows them to be a rotten person, which only makes them more insecure. You would think a 42 year old man would have gone about it with more skill, but then again how much skill does it take to seduce a kid?
In the end, I met many quasi famous men who, with the exception of very few, are no more than insecure boys playing on the neurotic needs of chicks with no sense of themselves. Sistah came away from this experience with a touch of sadness that things may not get better as you get older. Even the best of us who see the handwriting on the wall and know the price you pay for ignoring it must be diligent in resisting the tricks of the immature.
Internet Impotence
I am SOOOOO ashamed that it took this long to write something on my blog.
And it's not like I have anything really cool to say either. I've been gone so long, I just wanted to see if it was still working..
And it's not like I have anything really cool to say either. I've been gone so long, I just wanted to see if it was still working..
It's been a WHILE
It seems like as soon as the Season of Cancer started, there has been nothing but fucking DRAMA..
Al kinds of bullshit that needn't be splayed here..
And once again, my life is in flux..
But I realize that's the point, innit? No drama, no progress..
So..I hang in there..Leo season should be a hoot..
More to come..
One..
Al kinds of bullshit that needn't be splayed here..
And once again, my life is in flux..
But I realize that's the point, innit? No drama, no progress..
So..I hang in there..Leo season should be a hoot..
More to come..
One..
GAWD..Do I miss Tank Girl comix...
not that dreadful movie with Lori Petty, but the comic book...
Image by H&M/CCRosario/©2004
Piss off, Yahoo wankers..
If you experience a page telling you that the sound file does not exist, that's bullshit...I just can't afford serious web space so the bastids limit your downloads..try back in an hour, if you aren't bored to death waiting..
Image by H&M/CCRosario/©2004
First Music Loop Test
All the following loops are original productions, made on a beautiful program called REASON..Thank God this program crossed my path..it taught me how to take ideas out of my head and experiment with music. If any of you reading this are frustrated musicians, this program will help you IMMENSELY..The only reason I chose to post 8 second loops of tracks is because music file sizes are RIDICULOUS and I only have but so much space. There will be a CD soon of full tracks, but for now you just get loop teasers...
If you are going to play a music loop, QuickTime is easiest and is easy to loop (Control+L). If you click directly on the play button, it will play it from the Web, but it won't loop.
Remember: "Save Target as" on desktop..
ENJOY..more loops and complete songs to come...
The very best way to play sound files..
To play this post, drag cursor to red play button and right click then choose "Save target as". It'll either be an .mp3 or QuickTime .wav file so if you download it, it'll play in what ever plays sound files on your computer. Just save to desktop. You can rename it CarlaCrap1.mp3 if you like. Mac users can use Download Manager, plays in iTunes.
ANOTHER cool thing is if you happen to have Windows Media Player (especially for XP) that has VISUALIZATIONS or iTunes that has visuals, turn them on and freak out...
P.S. If I specify that the post is music loop and you happen to be cool enough to have phat computer speakers with bass boost and sub woofers, use em. I'll let you know when...If you are going to play a music loop, QuickTime is easiest and is easy to loop (Control+L).
Another poem I found on a old computer disk one summer day...
Yep..according to Nature itself, it's Summer.
Lately, my life has become gypsy-like..I recently moved to a temporary location and will yet have to move again very soon. I'm going through old things that need to get saved or ditched and came across an old disk with this poem on it dated 2002. I was feeling very Mysts of Avalon back then...
The Change
Under the silvery light of an ever present yet ever changing moon
a girl child walks the path to find the missing pieces of herself
She needs protection from the sharp daggers that threaten to cut her down
A rose trapped growing under thorns
subjecting herself to the flood of pain flowing from the veins
of those who claim to love her
Believing that to truly love someone
is to drown under the weight of neglect,irresponsibility and disrespect
To subdue her spirit when others refuse to raise their own
As she grows and feels the hot rush of womanhood
she tests her power and plays the game
avenging her anger by coyly flirting with cruelty
vainly flaunting her flesh to any who dare to touch
Her emotional barometer ascending and crashing
with every game she plays
every man she fucks
every woman she jealously suspects
An endless cycle of clinging and fleeing
grabbing and pushing loving and hating needing and wanting
Yet one day under that same opal moon
she cracks through the paper thin worn skin and expands,
giving birth to a life a life of ideas and old fears stillborn
a quiet life, a still life, a clear life
one that no longer craves attention and validation to exist
rather a life that feeds life
an umbilical cord that never severs
connecting her to those long gone
and those yet to arrive
She reaches the crossroads when she realizes
she can no longer expose herself
to meaningless pleasures of the moment
to the reckless abandon of the lovelorn
to the frivolous shiny fads
She understands the potent juices
she so carelessly poured into any cup held out to her
must be retained and transformed
into a river that carries the raft she built
with her own courage toward the horizon of wisdom
It is on that river alone
with only the Great Pearl above her head
that she finds salvation
She knows without knowing
that from birth, in life, to death her survival lies in surrender to herself
Where once long ago those predators that threatened to bury her
under their will in the dark alleys of her heart
now cower under a firm, steady, steel gaze
and buckle and strain against gravity and time
Where she once sought one to kiss away her tears
soak up her pain mold her in his hands and save her from herself
now seeks only solitude and peace to console herself
beacause after all
The pain she claims is hers carries seeds of joy
when the tears flow the venom is purged and the river reaches the sea
She no longer needs someone to keep her from drowning under the waves
she wants one who will ride them with her
under the eternal knowing shining smile of Mother Moon
Lately, my life has become gypsy-like..I recently moved to a temporary location and will yet have to move again very soon. I'm going through old things that need to get saved or ditched and came across an old disk with this poem on it dated 2002. I was feeling very Mysts of Avalon back then...
The Change
Under the silvery light of an ever present yet ever changing moon
a girl child walks the path to find the missing pieces of herself
She needs protection from the sharp daggers that threaten to cut her down
A rose trapped growing under thorns
subjecting herself to the flood of pain flowing from the veins
of those who claim to love her
Believing that to truly love someone
is to drown under the weight of neglect,irresponsibility and disrespect
To subdue her spirit when others refuse to raise their own
As she grows and feels the hot rush of womanhood
she tests her power and plays the game
avenging her anger by coyly flirting with cruelty
vainly flaunting her flesh to any who dare to touch
Her emotional barometer ascending and crashing
with every game she plays
every man she fucks
every woman she jealously suspects
An endless cycle of clinging and fleeing
grabbing and pushing loving and hating needing and wanting
Yet one day under that same opal moon
she cracks through the paper thin worn skin and expands,
giving birth to a life a life of ideas and old fears stillborn
a quiet life, a still life, a clear life
one that no longer craves attention and validation to exist
rather a life that feeds life
an umbilical cord that never severs
connecting her to those long gone
and those yet to arrive
She reaches the crossroads when she realizes
she can no longer expose herself
to meaningless pleasures of the moment
to the reckless abandon of the lovelorn
to the frivolous shiny fads
She understands the potent juices
she so carelessly poured into any cup held out to her
must be retained and transformed
into a river that carries the raft she built
with her own courage toward the horizon of wisdom
It is on that river alone
with only the Great Pearl above her head
that she finds salvation
She knows without knowing
that from birth, in life, to death her survival lies in surrender to herself
Where once long ago those predators that threatened to bury her
under their will in the dark alleys of her heart
now cower under a firm, steady, steel gaze
and buckle and strain against gravity and time
Where she once sought one to kiss away her tears
soak up her pain mold her in his hands and save her from herself
now seeks only solitude and peace to console herself
beacause after all
The pain she claims is hers carries seeds of joy
when the tears flow the venom is purged and the river reaches the sea
She no longer needs someone to keep her from drowning under the waves
she wants one who will ride them with her
under the eternal knowing shining smile of Mother Moon
Remaining a Maiden until further notice...
After much thought, I’ve concluded that marriage, as it's popularly seen in this country, is a sham. It's a joke. Women get married because they can't bear to be alone and men get married cause they a) knocked her up, or b) got tired of chasing pussy and settled for the chick that hung around the longest. It is really not in anyone's best interest to get married. I have folks in my family who have been together for 30 years and only got married cause their kids begged them to before the grandbabies were born. They just stayed together cause they WANTED to!!
I saw the flip side of what mommy saw. I saw how they would totally forget Valentine's Day or an anniversary and how they would try to think of something romantic to do that was lame, or they had just argued about something and dad is like "Fuck her, and Valentine's Day.." Romance is pink stuff and roses, and champagne moonlight. It seems so trite.
Marriage scares the hell out of me. I hate people who get married and become this stupid couple unit that only hangs out with other couple units and do couply things. They dress alike and don't do or say anything without consulting each other...sickening. I could only marry a guy if he was incredibly laid back and knew when to leave me alone because I like my solitude. It's good to be alone. My friend's husbands are either up their asses constantly or never there and seeing some other chick...no thanks. And the wedding, that's just an excuse for a chick to get all dressed up and fussed over and get presents and wind up acting like an hysterical cunt because everything isn't PERFECT (cause she's been planning it since she was 5). Why not just throw yourself kick ass birthday party? At least you get to do that every year. The day I decide to get married I'm having a kegger/barbeque with a drunken karoke reception.
What's always gotten me about people with kids is that they act as though it was something beyond their control and out of their hands. SHE just GOT pregnant, AGAIN. I don't have children and I'm glad. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE CHILDREN and they love me back. I'm a great Babysitter/Auntie/Teacher kind of woman. All those years of experience helping to teach other's neglected and confused kids, and looking at them not as annoying little mouths to feed, but as adorable little humans who didn't ask to be born here but were. They need a spiritual ally to help them learn how to understand the fucked up world they will unintentionally inherit. I am in no position to be a mother to anyone in a traditional sense, not financially, anyway...
Motherhood for some women in our society is a scary proposition because you must be able to plan on supporting it if it's father decides he's no longer interested in dealing with you anymore. I would love to think that I could have a child and count on being "taken care of" for the rest of my life, but it's not real. Real is that the life you built depending on the same routine for the next 18 years is not a given. My life has gone through many tight financial moments that I THANK GOD I didn't have a child to take through with me. It was just me and my problem and I take the hit. To think of what my poor baby would have to deal with….You absolutely MUST not only be ready, but able and willing to raise a child. People who have kids and use them as an excuse not to progress their own maturity are stupid and are an unfortunate by product of human population...
I saw the flip side of what mommy saw. I saw how they would totally forget Valentine's Day or an anniversary and how they would try to think of something romantic to do that was lame, or they had just argued about something and dad is like "Fuck her, and Valentine's Day.." Romance is pink stuff and roses, and champagne moonlight. It seems so trite.
Marriage scares the hell out of me. I hate people who get married and become this stupid couple unit that only hangs out with other couple units and do couply things. They dress alike and don't do or say anything without consulting each other...sickening. I could only marry a guy if he was incredibly laid back and knew when to leave me alone because I like my solitude. It's good to be alone. My friend's husbands are either up their asses constantly or never there and seeing some other chick...no thanks. And the wedding, that's just an excuse for a chick to get all dressed up and fussed over and get presents and wind up acting like an hysterical cunt because everything isn't PERFECT (cause she's been planning it since she was 5). Why not just throw yourself kick ass birthday party? At least you get to do that every year. The day I decide to get married I'm having a kegger/barbeque with a drunken karoke reception.
What's always gotten me about people with kids is that they act as though it was something beyond their control and out of their hands. SHE just GOT pregnant, AGAIN. I don't have children and I'm glad. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE CHILDREN and they love me back. I'm a great Babysitter/Auntie/Teacher kind of woman. All those years of experience helping to teach other's neglected and confused kids, and looking at them not as annoying little mouths to feed, but as adorable little humans who didn't ask to be born here but were. They need a spiritual ally to help them learn how to understand the fucked up world they will unintentionally inherit. I am in no position to be a mother to anyone in a traditional sense, not financially, anyway...
Motherhood for some women in our society is a scary proposition because you must be able to plan on supporting it if it's father decides he's no longer interested in dealing with you anymore. I would love to think that I could have a child and count on being "taken care of" for the rest of my life, but it's not real. Real is that the life you built depending on the same routine for the next 18 years is not a given. My life has gone through many tight financial moments that I THANK GOD I didn't have a child to take through with me. It was just me and my problem and I take the hit. To think of what my poor baby would have to deal with….You absolutely MUST not only be ready, but able and willing to raise a child. People who have kids and use them as an excuse not to progress their own maturity are stupid and are an unfortunate by product of human population...
Miss Mata Hari aka Margaretha Geetruida Zelle
At least girlfriend re-invented herself and did her thing, her way.
Image by CCRosario&Crbis/©2004
Cosmic Coitus
Reading the Kama Sutra is highly enlightening. I learned that there's an art to sex. Those Indians really knew their stuff. "Snappin' it on him" was called "Milking the Cow" in the Kama Sutra 6,000 years ago. It's because of all that right wing puritan crap that makes women feel like sluts for exploring their sexuality. You gotta find a way to get the girls motivated, fellas. You have your needs and women have theirs. The key is balance: give and take, bedsheet mambo, the ebb and flow. I think if women were less uptight about sex, they wouldn't have a problem with their husbands...I hate to say it, but I guess great sex DOES matter on some level...but not with everybody all the time. You get lucky breaks, I guess...
I think men should read the Kama Sutra and anything Chinese Tao related. They have a belief that a man should conserve his sperm until he chooses to have sex, and that he should prolong the act and hold back the ejaculation for as long as possible through breath control or thinking of baseball or whatever. This does not rule out masturbation, you can probably do it if you are inclined to, but you don't get your money shot. DISCIPLINE. It's believed that a man's energy and essence is stored in the semen and if you conserve it and only release it after a state of heightened and sustained pleasure, it is very regenerative for a man. Sting said he could make love to his wife for hours after learning it. What if you stare into each others eyes the whole way through, hearing someone say all kinds of stuff in your ear in that low, raspy, husky sex voice, or an unexpected bite to the neck in the throes of passion. Porn made people externalize the act of sex and see it outside of themselves. You have to have big tits or a monster cock or do the craziest things to get off. It’s all really on the inside that it all feels good, isn’t it?
A man who KNOWS what pussy control IS knows the gift that keeps on giving. Ladies, You don't need fancy potions and makeup or fake boobs or the right hair to keep a man. You need strong vaginal muscles, sweetie. They actually have these steel things to insert into yer coochie to help tighten 'ol girl up. Guys apparently love it AND it's great for women too, something we BOTH can enjoy.
Are women being shallow if they want a large penis? If guys want ours tighter, why not make yours bigger and meet us halfway? I personally think that it doesn't have to be big as long as it FEELS big, ya know? I've taken a poll on this VERY subject and width and girth are far more appealing than length. I see all these ads and things on the net about penis enlargement and wonder if they really work? Does it make it longer or wider? I'm not at all implying that you need any penile enhancement, guys. Just wondering what the other side is like. I'm sure some of you are a fount of knowledge. And I do think that you do have to be direct when going for yours. But, I am a fan of mystery. Big schlongs and tight coochies are great, but the real fun of it is working up to that.
My friend and I were talking about how making out with someone was a really cool thing that you skip in adulthood. There's something really hot about really wanting to do it, and getting really close, but...not yet. People just meet, screw, and go home. But when you make out with somebody, even if you already know your getting laid later, is still really sexy to just kiss and feel each other up like it's the 8th grade, and someone might catch you. In some ways it's more intimate because you're just grooving on each other. Making Out=The Shit. It’s the sexiest thing you can do with someone (especially as an adult). Yes, you can go straight for the sex, or you can kiss and feel each other up and look at each other getting all hot and bothered.
Stop using sex as a means to an end, and just enjoy the heady pleasure of exploring the one you dig. Take your time, there's no rush. Groove on each other and let the passion build, then he'll jump ya like a brahma bull!! The sex is an after-bonus, and most times you can tell by making out how the rest of it will be. Of course you only know I speak for myself...passion is more important than technique. Sometimes, a man has a certain thing that he does that he thinks gets women hot, and it don't go over well all the time. But if someone is passionate about YOU, then they just go with the flow. It does feel wonderful when you feel that way, like you are IN TUNE. You don't have to say anything, you just look in each others eyes and say a million things in silence..
There really IS a happy balance to be found somewhere in the middle... Romance is knowing the other person and giving them what you KNOW is going to trip them out. If your girl is into Japanime, and b-horror movies, and Anne Rice stuff, just pay attention and dig it. Get to know your girl, she might actually care what YOU like. If you really like your girl, this is not hard to accomplish. If she's just some chick your kinda with sorta then all sorts of things can go awry (reeking of cynicism). But, I still believe that people should just be who they were when they were kids and chill with each other. People just naturally find a compliment..
Oh the lucky guy who gets me..
I think men should read the Kama Sutra and anything Chinese Tao related. They have a belief that a man should conserve his sperm until he chooses to have sex, and that he should prolong the act and hold back the ejaculation for as long as possible through breath control or thinking of baseball or whatever. This does not rule out masturbation, you can probably do it if you are inclined to, but you don't get your money shot. DISCIPLINE. It's believed that a man's energy and essence is stored in the semen and if you conserve it and only release it after a state of heightened and sustained pleasure, it is very regenerative for a man. Sting said he could make love to his wife for hours after learning it. What if you stare into each others eyes the whole way through, hearing someone say all kinds of stuff in your ear in that low, raspy, husky sex voice, or an unexpected bite to the neck in the throes of passion. Porn made people externalize the act of sex and see it outside of themselves. You have to have big tits or a monster cock or do the craziest things to get off. It’s all really on the inside that it all feels good, isn’t it?
A man who KNOWS what pussy control IS knows the gift that keeps on giving. Ladies, You don't need fancy potions and makeup or fake boobs or the right hair to keep a man. You need strong vaginal muscles, sweetie. They actually have these steel things to insert into yer coochie to help tighten 'ol girl up. Guys apparently love it AND it's great for women too, something we BOTH can enjoy.
Are women being shallow if they want a large penis? If guys want ours tighter, why not make yours bigger and meet us halfway? I personally think that it doesn't have to be big as long as it FEELS big, ya know? I've taken a poll on this VERY subject and width and girth are far more appealing than length. I see all these ads and things on the net about penis enlargement and wonder if they really work? Does it make it longer or wider? I'm not at all implying that you need any penile enhancement, guys. Just wondering what the other side is like. I'm sure some of you are a fount of knowledge. And I do think that you do have to be direct when going for yours. But, I am a fan of mystery. Big schlongs and tight coochies are great, but the real fun of it is working up to that.
My friend and I were talking about how making out with someone was a really cool thing that you skip in adulthood. There's something really hot about really wanting to do it, and getting really close, but...not yet. People just meet, screw, and go home. But when you make out with somebody, even if you already know your getting laid later, is still really sexy to just kiss and feel each other up like it's the 8th grade, and someone might catch you. In some ways it's more intimate because you're just grooving on each other. Making Out=The Shit. It’s the sexiest thing you can do with someone (especially as an adult). Yes, you can go straight for the sex, or you can kiss and feel each other up and look at each other getting all hot and bothered.
Stop using sex as a means to an end, and just enjoy the heady pleasure of exploring the one you dig. Take your time, there's no rush. Groove on each other and let the passion build, then he'll jump ya like a brahma bull!! The sex is an after-bonus, and most times you can tell by making out how the rest of it will be. Of course you only know I speak for myself...passion is more important than technique. Sometimes, a man has a certain thing that he does that he thinks gets women hot, and it don't go over well all the time. But if someone is passionate about YOU, then they just go with the flow. It does feel wonderful when you feel that way, like you are IN TUNE. You don't have to say anything, you just look in each others eyes and say a million things in silence..
There really IS a happy balance to be found somewhere in the middle... Romance is knowing the other person and giving them what you KNOW is going to trip them out. If your girl is into Japanime, and b-horror movies, and Anne Rice stuff, just pay attention and dig it. Get to know your girl, she might actually care what YOU like. If you really like your girl, this is not hard to accomplish. If she's just some chick your kinda with sorta then all sorts of things can go awry (reeking of cynicism). But, I still believe that people should just be who they were when they were kids and chill with each other. People just naturally find a compliment..
Oh the lucky guy who gets me..
MAAD Culture Part III
I think the whole hip-hop/R&B industry IS reparations for black people. All you have to do to get yer dough is be ignorant and make it stylish. Underground hip-hop is more like freestyle poetry. If you get the right kind of freestylers in a room or even on the street, they can flow off the top of their heads and never lose the beat and it's not all about bitches and money and guns. That's just what the media knew it would be profitable to see. Indian casinos have make TONS of cash to the point where the tribes can buy back some of the town where their reservation/money machine is. Smart move AND the Mafia hasn't gotten a piece of it yet...
In the world of comedy, people have strong opinions about Black comedians. Maybe people think that there are so few good black comedians because they are playing to the stereotype of what it means to be black. Chris Rock and David Allen Grier are funny because they observe life as funny, they just happen to be black. It's time for a different view of what other people of color find funny (which is basically the same shit white people found funny). Maybe it's just easier to stick the "white vs. black" thing because it keeps them working, and that’s what agents and producers want to see. You can’t control what projects are getting produced and how you will be depicted. There needs to be black people in every medium with an unconventional (but really just universal) view on things that doesn't necessarily depend on BEING black. Sometimes real opinions about real things and the witty back and forth banter of truly funny comedians is the funniest thing you can watch. Mental sparring with jokes; you just have to be good, regardless of your race.
In my world, there are people of all nationalities and races chillin’ and moving forward. Hating blacks or whites or just abject hatred, seems so...20th century. I think MLK would see the progress in some of it, and the failures and realize that nothing changes radically, it just goes through cycles. As people, we have to break the belief of what we were taught to believe, and look at the world and see we are ALL oppressed in the mind and spirit. Sadly, we only seem to learn that and practice it in times of extreme crisis.
Still, I'm glad I was born when I was.
Perfect example of MLK's dream: Some time ago I went to see a friend's metal band play out in LI and the headline band was lead by the black guitarist and drummer. They rocked and everybody there was mostly white. There were no fights, no insults, no racist shit, just hard ass metal played by BROTHERS, and the crowd gave 'em respect.
That's why there will always be an UNDERGROUND scene going on. Most suckers are too lazy to stop suckling at the teat of mainstream culture. Everything sux cause everybody's still watching it because they don't know what else to do with themselves. I'm happy to say that I have wrenched myself away from a lot of mainstream cultures’ snafus for the last 15 years of my life because I was perpetually bored with what was popular. I had this feeling like I’d outgrown it when everyone else thought it was the new shit.
When I was growing up, I was one of few black and latino kids that listened to a wide range of music, read a lot, was exposed to art, all that. We were few, but we were there. The kids who were into the latest silly fad shit seemed to like it to fit in. Even listening to R&B today, I feel completely out of synch with it. It’s all about pain and suffering and I’m sorry’s or I hate you’s or just fuck you all together. I like Missy Elliot because I hear what she’s doing musically. I respect her producing skills. But the philosophy of what she’s talking about seems juvenile.
Quit yer whinin' and turn off the same ol' crap...Punk, metal, Drum n Bass, underground Hip Hop and deep house...none of these new genres would exist if there was no underground and renegade black folk pushing boundaries. We need to find our way back to our source of power.
Know it, live it, be it.....
In the world of comedy, people have strong opinions about Black comedians. Maybe people think that there are so few good black comedians because they are playing to the stereotype of what it means to be black. Chris Rock and David Allen Grier are funny because they observe life as funny, they just happen to be black. It's time for a different view of what other people of color find funny (which is basically the same shit white people found funny). Maybe it's just easier to stick the "white vs. black" thing because it keeps them working, and that’s what agents and producers want to see. You can’t control what projects are getting produced and how you will be depicted. There needs to be black people in every medium with an unconventional (but really just universal) view on things that doesn't necessarily depend on BEING black. Sometimes real opinions about real things and the witty back and forth banter of truly funny comedians is the funniest thing you can watch. Mental sparring with jokes; you just have to be good, regardless of your race.
In my world, there are people of all nationalities and races chillin’ and moving forward. Hating blacks or whites or just abject hatred, seems so...20th century. I think MLK would see the progress in some of it, and the failures and realize that nothing changes radically, it just goes through cycles. As people, we have to break the belief of what we were taught to believe, and look at the world and see we are ALL oppressed in the mind and spirit. Sadly, we only seem to learn that and practice it in times of extreme crisis.
Still, I'm glad I was born when I was.
Perfect example of MLK's dream: Some time ago I went to see a friend's metal band play out in LI and the headline band was lead by the black guitarist and drummer. They rocked and everybody there was mostly white. There were no fights, no insults, no racist shit, just hard ass metal played by BROTHERS, and the crowd gave 'em respect.
That's why there will always be an UNDERGROUND scene going on. Most suckers are too lazy to stop suckling at the teat of mainstream culture. Everything sux cause everybody's still watching it because they don't know what else to do with themselves. I'm happy to say that I have wrenched myself away from a lot of mainstream cultures’ snafus for the last 15 years of my life because I was perpetually bored with what was popular. I had this feeling like I’d outgrown it when everyone else thought it was the new shit.
When I was growing up, I was one of few black and latino kids that listened to a wide range of music, read a lot, was exposed to art, all that. We were few, but we were there. The kids who were into the latest silly fad shit seemed to like it to fit in. Even listening to R&B today, I feel completely out of synch with it. It’s all about pain and suffering and I’m sorry’s or I hate you’s or just fuck you all together. I like Missy Elliot because I hear what she’s doing musically. I respect her producing skills. But the philosophy of what she’s talking about seems juvenile.
Quit yer whinin' and turn off the same ol' crap...Punk, metal, Drum n Bass, underground Hip Hop and deep house...none of these new genres would exist if there was no underground and renegade black folk pushing boundaries. We need to find our way back to our source of power.
Know it, live it, be it.....
God for Dummies, Part II
I’ve studied pagan/shamanistic religions and it is really just psychological conditioning based on a spiritual system. Intent of the person being conditioned is most important...if you think of yourself as transmitting energy every time you do a spell or chant or meditate or pray, you have to think about the force behind that energy. If the force is sent out for selfish and harmful reasons, then you get that same energy back 3 fold (with whatever crap you sent it with.) You do a incantation to be happy, but what matters most is if you radiate happiness as you go along your way. YOU ARE WHO AND WHAT YOU ATTRACT AND VICE VERSA. If you are inwardly fucked up, you tend to attract others who are just as fucked up or more...same works in reverse...more cause and effect than anything else.
I think horoscopes in the daily newspapers are trite, but if you are a trained astrologer and understand the workings of charts and astronomy, it can be a highly useful tool. Things happen in cycles, friends. There’s an art to being able to chart dangerous times ahead or break down an individual’s horoscope to find clues about specific things. What you read in the paper IS bullshit, but it goes deeper than that. Planetary cycles are constant and repeat. Egyptians had a 365 day year (although it started at a different point seasonally). Screw all the psychic, moon child, hippie chick astrology stuff. There are financial charts used in predicting trends, there are Mundane Charts based on countries’ inception dates and charts for major events. There is medical astrology (what it was originally used for) to accurately gauge when operations would be successful or times when a patient was prone to die (moon phases and hemorrhages were linked). Almanacs that used moon phases for planting...
If the moon can affect all the vast oceans of the earth (2/3 of it) and WE too are 2/3 water, why couldn't it be valid? Also read up on the transits of Mars and the pattern of Wars on earth. Veddy interesting... There is a lot of research in the Astrological world about Mars' transits and the triggers for war on earth...if you aren't really interested in Astrology, it might sound a bit convoluted. Basically put: Mars and Uranus transits are planets studied in cases of war. Mars is a the ruler of war and conflict, and Uranus deals with revolution, abrupt change and upheaval...let simmer for 2,000+ years, add nuclear weapons, and liberal amount of ancient hatred, and stir...
According to some website that calculates your death year based on your living habits, leave this tragic blue orb in the year of our lord 2056...I got 53 years of trippiness ahead I'm sure. Do you ever get the feeling you were glad you were born when you were? Like you’re going to get to see some crazy shit go down before it’s all over? What would you all like to see happen by the time you snuff it? I'd like to be able to levitate and see people get telepathic so we can get rid of cell phones. Not looking for 60's hippie utopia, but if everyone would chill the fuck out and ease up on the war shit, we could actually do something cool. No more electrical grids that get overloaded. Solar power, and alternative energy, baby! I already know I ain't getting no stinking social security so I got me 53 years to stockpile a fortune so I can get old gracefully...there will be some very lucky cats in the future...
Jehovah's Witnesses believe only a certain, set amount of people will get into heaven, but it’s their DUTY to go out and recruit more people. Is there a lottery or something at the end of the world where they raffle off the spots? God thought Joan of Arc was cool too and look what happened to her. After reading about Joan of Arc and watching the films, I have a theory that maybe she was just a classifiable schizophrenic teenage girl who thought God was talking to her and she just happened to be a great strategist, and probably manic-depressive.
To people who say they "know and talk to" God: If I go ask God if you are indeed cool and he says no, can we beat your ass for being arrogant? “Just finished speaking to God and he said you're kinda cool but you used his name in vain hella times and you still owe him $20”. I don't need no problems with no deities, man…
I think horoscopes in the daily newspapers are trite, but if you are a trained astrologer and understand the workings of charts and astronomy, it can be a highly useful tool. Things happen in cycles, friends. There’s an art to being able to chart dangerous times ahead or break down an individual’s horoscope to find clues about specific things. What you read in the paper IS bullshit, but it goes deeper than that. Planetary cycles are constant and repeat. Egyptians had a 365 day year (although it started at a different point seasonally). Screw all the psychic, moon child, hippie chick astrology stuff. There are financial charts used in predicting trends, there are Mundane Charts based on countries’ inception dates and charts for major events. There is medical astrology (what it was originally used for) to accurately gauge when operations would be successful or times when a patient was prone to die (moon phases and hemorrhages were linked). Almanacs that used moon phases for planting...
If the moon can affect all the vast oceans of the earth (2/3 of it) and WE too are 2/3 water, why couldn't it be valid? Also read up on the transits of Mars and the pattern of Wars on earth. Veddy interesting... There is a lot of research in the Astrological world about Mars' transits and the triggers for war on earth...if you aren't really interested in Astrology, it might sound a bit convoluted. Basically put: Mars and Uranus transits are planets studied in cases of war. Mars is a the ruler of war and conflict, and Uranus deals with revolution, abrupt change and upheaval...let simmer for 2,000+ years, add nuclear weapons, and liberal amount of ancient hatred, and stir...
According to some website that calculates your death year based on your living habits, leave this tragic blue orb in the year of our lord 2056...I got 53 years of trippiness ahead I'm sure. Do you ever get the feeling you were glad you were born when you were? Like you’re going to get to see some crazy shit go down before it’s all over? What would you all like to see happen by the time you snuff it? I'd like to be able to levitate and see people get telepathic so we can get rid of cell phones. Not looking for 60's hippie utopia, but if everyone would chill the fuck out and ease up on the war shit, we could actually do something cool. No more electrical grids that get overloaded. Solar power, and alternative energy, baby! I already know I ain't getting no stinking social security so I got me 53 years to stockpile a fortune so I can get old gracefully...there will be some very lucky cats in the future...
Jehovah's Witnesses believe only a certain, set amount of people will get into heaven, but it’s their DUTY to go out and recruit more people. Is there a lottery or something at the end of the world where they raffle off the spots? God thought Joan of Arc was cool too and look what happened to her. After reading about Joan of Arc and watching the films, I have a theory that maybe she was just a classifiable schizophrenic teenage girl who thought God was talking to her and she just happened to be a great strategist, and probably manic-depressive.
To people who say they "know and talk to" God: If I go ask God if you are indeed cool and he says no, can we beat your ass for being arrogant? “Just finished speaking to God and he said you're kinda cool but you used his name in vain hella times and you still owe him $20”. I don't need no problems with no deities, man…
The State of the State, Part I
It’s one of those Important Years. Elections, Olympics, and war deadlines loom. I preface this rant with the acknowledgement that I could have countless facts to support my claim, and can waste a lot of time listing all of it, but I choose to simply have my opinion. Which is thus:
Politics suck. Politicians give you a sliver of the truth that you can identify with, and then they gently slip in their agenda or slanted view. While you are still agreeing with the sliver of truth, they start warping it. If it’s a Black president, white president, yellowish-puce president, who cares? What I find insidious is how everyone who goes into politics, no matter how idealistic and fair they might start out, winds up playing games with people’s lives and tax dollars.
I think that if we had some sort of economic crisis in the country, they'd legalize weed, maybe just temporarily, to raise cash. They’d capitalize on misery, like PROHIBITION! Do you see how the cycle starts? This is the problem: all the so-called mature, smart, political people are somehow CONNECTED TO THE PROBLEM...Smart mature people who were once all the people in the 60’sand 70’s doing all the drugs and now outlawing it because they don't want to be responsible for the outcome.
Former "rebels" who now toe the line because they realized they got old and became the age they once didn’t trust. I had to learn to take the human condition into a larger scope than that. People just don’t understand why the THEORY isn't working. It's the reality that the DRUG TRADE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN THE GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'LL DO SOMETHING UNDERHANDED ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY IF WE ARE HARD UP FOR CASH...I love my country, but dirtier deeds have been done in the name of money.
I hate politics...I think the whole thing is a caricature of what government is supposed to be. Conservatives are conservative because they don't want anything to change and Liberals want change for the sake of principle, but don't know how to implement the changes. Either side you choose has a blind spot that the other exploits for gain. I say we find some alternative for a real governing/financial system in this country or we will go the way of every other empire on this planet. Do some research on the rise and fall of Egypt, Rome, and Britain and see if you don't see alarming similarities.
I'd vote for anyone who would make social security optional for anyone under the age of 40. I'd vote for anyone who can win the good favor and cooperation of the entire world back. I'd vote for someone who found a way for all people to have health insurance and work. I’d vote for someone who felt it was more important to keep our shit safe HERE and not "peacekeeping" in three different other countries. Finally, I'd vote for anyone who would use the lauded "weed etiquette" financial plan called Potometrics. Simply put, if you based the economic system of the US on basic weed rules, we might just have something...Have enough for everybody, take your share and pass it on, quality over quantity, and what you give out comes back.
Label me what you like...people are sheep and will vote for fools who take them for everything they got. There's gotta be another way..
Politics suck. Politicians give you a sliver of the truth that you can identify with, and then they gently slip in their agenda or slanted view. While you are still agreeing with the sliver of truth, they start warping it. If it’s a Black president, white president, yellowish-puce president, who cares? What I find insidious is how everyone who goes into politics, no matter how idealistic and fair they might start out, winds up playing games with people’s lives and tax dollars.
I think that if we had some sort of economic crisis in the country, they'd legalize weed, maybe just temporarily, to raise cash. They’d capitalize on misery, like PROHIBITION! Do you see how the cycle starts? This is the problem: all the so-called mature, smart, political people are somehow CONNECTED TO THE PROBLEM...Smart mature people who were once all the people in the 60’sand 70’s doing all the drugs and now outlawing it because they don't want to be responsible for the outcome.
Former "rebels" who now toe the line because they realized they got old and became the age they once didn’t trust. I had to learn to take the human condition into a larger scope than that. People just don’t understand why the THEORY isn't working. It's the reality that the DRUG TRADE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN THE GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'LL DO SOMETHING UNDERHANDED ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY IF WE ARE HARD UP FOR CASH...I love my country, but dirtier deeds have been done in the name of money.
I hate politics...I think the whole thing is a caricature of what government is supposed to be. Conservatives are conservative because they don't want anything to change and Liberals want change for the sake of principle, but don't know how to implement the changes. Either side you choose has a blind spot that the other exploits for gain. I say we find some alternative for a real governing/financial system in this country or we will go the way of every other empire on this planet. Do some research on the rise and fall of Egypt, Rome, and Britain and see if you don't see alarming similarities.
I'd vote for anyone who would make social security optional for anyone under the age of 40. I'd vote for anyone who can win the good favor and cooperation of the entire world back. I'd vote for someone who found a way for all people to have health insurance and work. I’d vote for someone who felt it was more important to keep our shit safe HERE and not "peacekeeping" in three different other countries. Finally, I'd vote for anyone who would use the lauded "weed etiquette" financial plan called Potometrics. Simply put, if you based the economic system of the US on basic weed rules, we might just have something...Have enough for everybody, take your share and pass it on, quality over quantity, and what you give out comes back.
Label me what you like...people are sheep and will vote for fools who take them for everything they got. There's gotta be another way..
MAAD Culture, Part II
I’m curious to know why white people feel the need to dominate the world? It's all throughout history: patterns of invasions, pillaging, slave trades and all other sorts of bad minded fuckery. Inquiring honestly: Why do whites feel superior? Do automatically assume that the stereotype fits all people? Are they that thoughtless and cruel? You see extreme examples and assume it's the norm for all. It would be like judging white people based on the behavior of hill-billys and trailer park folk.
I am sad to say that some of my people are lost in a sea of misplaced anger. They wouldn't know who the fuck to vote for if you put a gun to their heads. Unfortunately the charlatans in Big Government fool the weak minded and push obsolete agendas just because they been screaming about it for so long they didn't realize how outdated it got. Let's just organize and televise an official race war every 4 years and let those that must beat the shit out of each other have at it...maybe they'll just all destroy each other so the rest of us can get on with evolution ... WAR OF THE RACES: Sponsored by Gatorade...
Whites have been beating the shit out of all the races they brought here to do the work they didn’t want to do, not to mention dragging us behind cars and hanging us from trees and burning shit on our lawns. So what every now and then a white guy takes a hit? Real simple, if you took a running tally of ass-beatings, whites have given blacks in this country far more than the other way around...period. Pull out what ever inflammatory statistic you want about how blacks are violent , do the math. Whites don't catch beat downs NEARLY as much as they should.
And look how all those other fabulously together Caucasians steal and co-opt black culture and style because they know they are lame. They even try to look darker and get their lips plumped up. I was at a club last night playing black, soulful House music for a lame ass corny white money crowd. It sucked the essential, ass shaking fierceness right out of it.
I've known some pretty cool white gals as friends growing up. Some of them got spunk! (Mostly the Irish and Italians) But in general, I think white women and the agenda they currently promote is ruining womanhood for other women of all races. The images of these pale waifs with the bony bodies and the blonde hair, and the anorexia and junk...they look like silly walking coat hangers with low self esteem. And you white chicks know that Sex In the City was written by catty gay guys, right? Or shows like the Bachelor and Bridezilla, all exploiting the image of the upwardly mobile, scheming, neurotic, starving shrews looking to have all their happiness and self worth tied up in getting this guy to marry her. I’d rather look back at images of Mammies and know that at least those models of womanhood, no matter how oppressed, still stood for caring and nurturing. Today’s image of young women is materialistic, shallow, and ultimately, very damaging.
So now sistahs, in an attempt to empower themselves, have adopted this same ruthless attitude. If not MORE ruthless because of their own self worth issues. Lil Kim and Eve flipping the blonde goddess thing on it's ear; Janet and her tit; Whitney and her fucked up man. Lena Horne absolutely FORBID Janet Jackson from even TRYING to play her in a biopic. Ms. Horne is a hundred times more beautiful than JJ and had to go through WAY more challenges than some control freak dad. But her achievements, trials, and hard learned lessons are being eclipsed by breast implants and rehabs..
I am sad to say that some of my people are lost in a sea of misplaced anger. They wouldn't know who the fuck to vote for if you put a gun to their heads. Unfortunately the charlatans in Big Government fool the weak minded and push obsolete agendas just because they been screaming about it for so long they didn't realize how outdated it got. Let's just organize and televise an official race war every 4 years and let those that must beat the shit out of each other have at it...maybe they'll just all destroy each other so the rest of us can get on with evolution ... WAR OF THE RACES: Sponsored by Gatorade...
Whites have been beating the shit out of all the races they brought here to do the work they didn’t want to do, not to mention dragging us behind cars and hanging us from trees and burning shit on our lawns. So what every now and then a white guy takes a hit? Real simple, if you took a running tally of ass-beatings, whites have given blacks in this country far more than the other way around...period. Pull out what ever inflammatory statistic you want about how blacks are violent , do the math. Whites don't catch beat downs NEARLY as much as they should.
And look how all those other fabulously together Caucasians steal and co-opt black culture and style because they know they are lame. They even try to look darker and get their lips plumped up. I was at a club last night playing black, soulful House music for a lame ass corny white money crowd. It sucked the essential, ass shaking fierceness right out of it.
I've known some pretty cool white gals as friends growing up. Some of them got spunk! (Mostly the Irish and Italians) But in general, I think white women and the agenda they currently promote is ruining womanhood for other women of all races. The images of these pale waifs with the bony bodies and the blonde hair, and the anorexia and junk...they look like silly walking coat hangers with low self esteem. And you white chicks know that Sex In the City was written by catty gay guys, right? Or shows like the Bachelor and Bridezilla, all exploiting the image of the upwardly mobile, scheming, neurotic, starving shrews looking to have all their happiness and self worth tied up in getting this guy to marry her. I’d rather look back at images of Mammies and know that at least those models of womanhood, no matter how oppressed, still stood for caring and nurturing. Today’s image of young women is materialistic, shallow, and ultimately, very damaging.
So now sistahs, in an attempt to empower themselves, have adopted this same ruthless attitude. If not MORE ruthless because of their own self worth issues. Lil Kim and Eve flipping the blonde goddess thing on it's ear; Janet and her tit; Whitney and her fucked up man. Lena Horne absolutely FORBID Janet Jackson from even TRYING to play her in a biopic. Ms. Horne is a hundred times more beautiful than JJ and had to go through WAY more challenges than some control freak dad. But her achievements, trials, and hard learned lessons are being eclipsed by breast implants and rehabs..
Open Your Mind
Enlightenment can be a fickle thing, especially if you've been TOLD what is true by those who were told the same thing...
Image by CCRosario/©2004
God for Dummies, Part I
Religion in general was created to control humans, all the poor suffering masses. The major religions were a rebellious offshoot of whatever came before it because control over the people changed. All the stuff you quote and use to prove God was written by subjective human minds under the drug of belief. Humans, because of fear, need to think that there is something else controlling their fate (or else why would life suck so much?) They NEED a father figure to run to because they fear the unknown.
What if God is just a current of energy that everything runs on in the universe? Galaxies, planets, cells, and atoms, are always moving. It's just our frail minds that can't comprehend it, and needed to make up someone that watches over us.
I saw someone on a news program screaming about atheists deserving a place to congregate. If you are atheist, then why do you need to congregate ANYWHERE? Just don't believe it and it's not there. Done.
My view on abortion? Pro Choice, Better Education. I don't get the "I wanna save an unborn life by killing someone, or condemning that life to pain just for the sake of doctrine” people. Those people are sociopaths and sadistic.
Jews were protesting the release of Mel Gibson's Jesus movie in NYC this year because they didn't want any violence toward Jews when the movie came out. They wanted it stopped....It depicts the Jews turning on Jesus and participating in the violence during his last days alive. Hello? YOU GUYS ACTUALLY DID THAT, JEW FOLK.... Don't get mad now cause it's not a very flattering image...if you want us to remember the holocaust, let's also remember you helped kill the one guy that tried to make a difference...maybe THAT’S why the Catholic Church (under the old pope) looked the other way during WWII.
Harsh, you say? It’s only fair..
We shouldn't have to go through all kinds of emotional changes while watching yet ANOTHER holocaust movie. Fair trade. You didn't see Egyptians getting all bent out of shape over all those Moses Charlton Heston 50's crap movies? AND THEY WENT REALLY OVERBOARD BACK THEN.
Some of us are forgetting the Karmic Human Life Exchange Rate: Killing One Son of God = 6 million Jews descended from the ones who did it die at the hands of a psychotic tyrant. Again, fair trade.
I'm just wondering why we have to tiptoe around Jews when it comes to the Holocaust? Maybe people feel hostility toward Jews because they are hostile to Arabs. It’s a “what goes around, comes around” kind of thing.
Remember the uproar about the Last Temptation of Christ? I can see how that movie confused linear-minded Catholics. It took a bit of creative license and was kinda abstract in making its point. I thought it was interesting...loved the Peter Gabriel soundtrack... I just took it as a movie and tried to get into the vision of what he was trying to say. I thought Mary Magdalene was treated with far more dignity than in other versions...
What I don't understand is why are MEN such rabid anti abortion nuts...it really has nothing to do with you...feel however you must...if a woman is in the situation where having a child is a mistake and she's not screwing around, then who are you to say she can’t? A condom breaks with her longtime boyfriend and she's not ready, or he's not...she should be able to reckon with her conscience and not some old white dude telling her she's immoral and blow up the friggin clinic...save an unborn life, even if it’s going to be a life of neglect and poverty or injure thousands...very balanced. So all the prostitutes and mistresses and strippers should close up shop and deny you hypocrites your Friday Night Secret Missions.
All cross sections of women have had abortions for one reason or another: too old, too young, too rich, too poor... I think men are jealous of the fact that women have control over their bodies and the government supports it. They act betrayed and take a stand on an issue they ultimately have no say in. Stop being dogmatic and look with rationally balanced eyes... You are BORN for a reason. The moment you breathe this air you are alive...yes you are alive inside your mother (host), but if she dies, you die, anyway... You can quote the bible; you can call me all manner of horribly ignorant insults...
I stand firm: It's a woman that carries that life and she must make a hard choice if she chooses not to. Men making women feel like sluts and witches because they have no control over their choices is indicative of deep immaturity. I am beginning to question the validity of male dominated society. You are trying to control things out of insecurity. The first sign of downfall is when one sex tries to dominate the other...or worse, subjugate them for the sake of virtue... For every chick that gets knocked up, there's one of you dorks that refused to wear a condom cause it doesn't feel as good, or you were drunk/high, or she's just some chick you banged, or we've been doing it like this for months and she didn't get pregnant then... Some of you guys are still so blinded by pussy and still so desperate to get some that you facilitate and yes, even JUSTIFY the reasons abortions are legal...
What if God is just a current of energy that everything runs on in the universe? Galaxies, planets, cells, and atoms, are always moving. It's just our frail minds that can't comprehend it, and needed to make up someone that watches over us.
I saw someone on a news program screaming about atheists deserving a place to congregate. If you are atheist, then why do you need to congregate ANYWHERE? Just don't believe it and it's not there. Done.
My view on abortion? Pro Choice, Better Education. I don't get the "I wanna save an unborn life by killing someone, or condemning that life to pain just for the sake of doctrine” people. Those people are sociopaths and sadistic.
Jews were protesting the release of Mel Gibson's Jesus movie in NYC this year because they didn't want any violence toward Jews when the movie came out. They wanted it stopped....It depicts the Jews turning on Jesus and participating in the violence during his last days alive. Hello? YOU GUYS ACTUALLY DID THAT, JEW FOLK.... Don't get mad now cause it's not a very flattering image...if you want us to remember the holocaust, let's also remember you helped kill the one guy that tried to make a difference...maybe THAT’S why the Catholic Church (under the old pope) looked the other way during WWII.
Harsh, you say? It’s only fair..
We shouldn't have to go through all kinds of emotional changes while watching yet ANOTHER holocaust movie. Fair trade. You didn't see Egyptians getting all bent out of shape over all those Moses Charlton Heston 50's crap movies? AND THEY WENT REALLY OVERBOARD BACK THEN.
Some of us are forgetting the Karmic Human Life Exchange Rate: Killing One Son of God = 6 million Jews descended from the ones who did it die at the hands of a psychotic tyrant. Again, fair trade.
I'm just wondering why we have to tiptoe around Jews when it comes to the Holocaust? Maybe people feel hostility toward Jews because they are hostile to Arabs. It’s a “what goes around, comes around” kind of thing.
Remember the uproar about the Last Temptation of Christ? I can see how that movie confused linear-minded Catholics. It took a bit of creative license and was kinda abstract in making its point. I thought it was interesting...loved the Peter Gabriel soundtrack... I just took it as a movie and tried to get into the vision of what he was trying to say. I thought Mary Magdalene was treated with far more dignity than in other versions...
What I don't understand is why are MEN such rabid anti abortion nuts...it really has nothing to do with you...feel however you must...if a woman is in the situation where having a child is a mistake and she's not screwing around, then who are you to say she can’t? A condom breaks with her longtime boyfriend and she's not ready, or he's not...she should be able to reckon with her conscience and not some old white dude telling her she's immoral and blow up the friggin clinic...save an unborn life, even if it’s going to be a life of neglect and poverty or injure thousands...very balanced. So all the prostitutes and mistresses and strippers should close up shop and deny you hypocrites your Friday Night Secret Missions.
All cross sections of women have had abortions for one reason or another: too old, too young, too rich, too poor... I think men are jealous of the fact that women have control over their bodies and the government supports it. They act betrayed and take a stand on an issue they ultimately have no say in. Stop being dogmatic and look with rationally balanced eyes... You are BORN for a reason. The moment you breathe this air you are alive...yes you are alive inside your mother (host), but if she dies, you die, anyway... You can quote the bible; you can call me all manner of horribly ignorant insults...
I stand firm: It's a woman that carries that life and she must make a hard choice if she chooses not to. Men making women feel like sluts and witches because they have no control over their choices is indicative of deep immaturity. I am beginning to question the validity of male dominated society. You are trying to control things out of insecurity. The first sign of downfall is when one sex tries to dominate the other...or worse, subjugate them for the sake of virtue... For every chick that gets knocked up, there's one of you dorks that refused to wear a condom cause it doesn't feel as good, or you were drunk/high, or she's just some chick you banged, or we've been doing it like this for months and she didn't get pregnant then... Some of you guys are still so blinded by pussy and still so desperate to get some that you facilitate and yes, even JUSTIFY the reasons abortions are legal...
Girlie Power..a renewable source of energy..
What are you when you aren't a feminist, but believe in female power? What if you really like men and want to please them but not at your own expense? What sparks passion between people? Is it all physical or mental? What are you passionate about? Read on..
Image by CCRosario, ©2004
Tales of a heterosexual, passionate, overgrown tomboy in NYC..
I've come to the conclusion that most people walking around today may be chronologically adult, but stopped mentally evolving around the age of 15 or so. When you are a boy, 14 year old girls are the shit to you because they have skinny girl bodies that start erupting into curves (I agree with the hormones in food theory...I went from a 4'11'' flat chested boy/girl to a 5'5", C cup in the 5th grade..it had to be the chicken.)
The sick shit is that guys never get past the fantasy of the teeny waisted, waif like girl with big tits. Look at Harrison Ford and fucking Callista Flockheart.. You KNOW dude is playing out some weird young girl kink with her in his head. Then if you see a woman who fills out or has a baby or just ages and rounds out, you get all disgusted and start thinking of your mom, and start cruisin' the junior high schools...sick bastids...
But, if men only knew how dark the shadow side of the feminine goes, they'd all be gay..
Women do foul shit like when they got a cute boyfriend. He's a trophy guy on a more subtle level. As long as she thinks it's only her friends that find HIM cute, then she's prancing around like a queen with a stud on a leash...But don't let homey be attracted to one of HER friends. You wanna see how quick THAT shit turns around? Women are equally as shallow as men, just for different reasons and they play games on more subconscious levels..
Money comes and goes. I need a guy who can make me laugh and know when to leave me alone. I'm pretty flexible about everything else... Money does help grease the wheels of progress, but a great sense of humor lasts, even when the money doesn't... As far as my reasons for wanting a sense of humor: I am the only girl in my immediate family, hanging with my brother and boy cousins and guy friends and watching how simple they are...a sense of humor is sometimes the only reason you stick around. I have dated many different types of men, but the one thing they always had in common was a wicked sense of humor. A not so cute guy can get way cuter if he's funny...You’d be surprised.
It is a pre-requisite for me that a man have a sense of humor. The odds are slim that I would ever go out with anyone who wasn't on, some level, witty...I am really attracted to funny, intelligent men...Sometimes a sense of humor is the only reason to STAY with someone when all else seems lost . I will admit that there is something about men who are really funny that is attractive, even if he outwardly is not. I've known many funny men that had a certain bullshitters charm to them that made them cute.
Other than that, my requirements are simple...
Know when to leave me alone. If I'm watching a movie or reading a book or sleeping or hunched over my laptop with headphones on bobbing my head and looking intense, leave me the fuck alone. Either add your special brand of wit and finesse to the situation or find your own shit to do, go play a game of something, go to a tittie bar...just leemme alone...damn..
BUT know when to come back...I promise I can do the same for you..
Make me laugh and you'll have a very understanding gal on yer hands...I’m very low maintenance in this respect...I can be quite accommodating to a smart witty guy...if your idea of a joke is farting, you'd better be able to fart out a Led Zeppelin song. You can even have a beer gut and be a little overweight...not orca fat, but a burly guy is kinda sexy in a Teddy bear/Lumberjack kind of way..a beer gut makes an excellent humper bumper..
There's a secret prize for geeks and nerds. It’s chicks like me who think knowing stuff is cool. I used to be so shallow, going for the tall good looking gigolo studs. Then I wised up and got to know Mr. Everyguy with his Above Average Intelligence. I was shocked at how attracted I was.
Cocky asshole-ness is kind of sexy IF he can switch back to a man who is fun and is good to you. The game of leaving women hanging and getting them jealous only works on certain women. If she KNOWS her man is feeling her and he does some "yeah, baby..I'll call u later" and assholes out with some other chick, he'd better hope she has no self esteem, because if she does, the game flips. Now she's keeping HIM hanging and he's not digging it... It's all just a big ol’ game to see who can control who.
I say everybody just give in already and love who turns you on the most. Life is too short to be getting so nit-picky about what you need to have. Be in love with the idea of love itself and accepting people as they are and you may find yourself unexpectedly happy, or at least, in the words of George Carlin, moderately neato.
The sick shit is that guys never get past the fantasy of the teeny waisted, waif like girl with big tits. Look at Harrison Ford and fucking Callista Flockheart.. You KNOW dude is playing out some weird young girl kink with her in his head. Then if you see a woman who fills out or has a baby or just ages and rounds out, you get all disgusted and start thinking of your mom, and start cruisin' the junior high schools...sick bastids...
But, if men only knew how dark the shadow side of the feminine goes, they'd all be gay..
Women do foul shit like when they got a cute boyfriend. He's a trophy guy on a more subtle level. As long as she thinks it's only her friends that find HIM cute, then she's prancing around like a queen with a stud on a leash...But don't let homey be attracted to one of HER friends. You wanna see how quick THAT shit turns around? Women are equally as shallow as men, just for different reasons and they play games on more subconscious levels..
Money comes and goes. I need a guy who can make me laugh and know when to leave me alone. I'm pretty flexible about everything else... Money does help grease the wheels of progress, but a great sense of humor lasts, even when the money doesn't... As far as my reasons for wanting a sense of humor: I am the only girl in my immediate family, hanging with my brother and boy cousins and guy friends and watching how simple they are...a sense of humor is sometimes the only reason you stick around. I have dated many different types of men, but the one thing they always had in common was a wicked sense of humor. A not so cute guy can get way cuter if he's funny...You’d be surprised.
It is a pre-requisite for me that a man have a sense of humor. The odds are slim that I would ever go out with anyone who wasn't on, some level, witty...I am really attracted to funny, intelligent men...Sometimes a sense of humor is the only reason to STAY with someone when all else seems lost . I will admit that there is something about men who are really funny that is attractive, even if he outwardly is not. I've known many funny men that had a certain bullshitters charm to them that made them cute.
Other than that, my requirements are simple...
Know when to leave me alone. If I'm watching a movie or reading a book or sleeping or hunched over my laptop with headphones on bobbing my head and looking intense, leave me the fuck alone. Either add your special brand of wit and finesse to the situation or find your own shit to do, go play a game of something, go to a tittie bar...just leemme alone...damn..
BUT know when to come back...I promise I can do the same for you..
Make me laugh and you'll have a very understanding gal on yer hands...I’m very low maintenance in this respect...I can be quite accommodating to a smart witty guy...if your idea of a joke is farting, you'd better be able to fart out a Led Zeppelin song. You can even have a beer gut and be a little overweight...not orca fat, but a burly guy is kinda sexy in a Teddy bear/Lumberjack kind of way..a beer gut makes an excellent humper bumper..
There's a secret prize for geeks and nerds. It’s chicks like me who think knowing stuff is cool. I used to be so shallow, going for the tall good looking gigolo studs. Then I wised up and got to know Mr. Everyguy with his Above Average Intelligence. I was shocked at how attracted I was.
Cocky asshole-ness is kind of sexy IF he can switch back to a man who is fun and is good to you. The game of leaving women hanging and getting them jealous only works on certain women. If she KNOWS her man is feeling her and he does some "yeah, baby..I'll call u later" and assholes out with some other chick, he'd better hope she has no self esteem, because if she does, the game flips. Now she's keeping HIM hanging and he's not digging it... It's all just a big ol’ game to see who can control who.
I say everybody just give in already and love who turns you on the most. Life is too short to be getting so nit-picky about what you need to have. Be in love with the idea of love itself and accepting people as they are and you may find yourself unexpectedly happy, or at least, in the words of George Carlin, moderately neato.
Nervous Attraction
Dull ache throbs deep in my stomach
Seas of fear roll constant, never calm
On the inside, at least
On the outside
Eyes reveal passion fleeting
Stares linger too long
Peripheral longings
Look away..
Actions betray what words say
moments pass sticky with knowing
of deep feelings long denied
and time continously flowing
The dam will eventually burst
but not today..
Seas of fear roll constant, never calm
On the inside, at least
On the outside
Eyes reveal passion fleeting
Stares linger too long
Peripheral longings
Look away..
Actions betray what words say
moments pass sticky with knowing
of deep feelings long denied
and time continously flowing
The dam will eventually burst
but not today..
Looking back to Winter..
Looking through old papers and junk..I wrote this on a very cold night...1/17/03
Deep Black Cold Starry Night
Chill breath from skies sigh
Thoughts razor blade sharp
Shards of Blue Reality
Cut through long buried dreams
I was born on a day encased in ice
It thawed one day, my heart
Under June Blue skies
unexpected, immediate and impulsive
The chill crept back in
falling leaves failing to conceal the cracks beneath
Now the steely blanket covers us
the thaw just a memory
Dark Biting Chill Starry Night
My signal uninterupted
The feed is clear
No hazy thoughts of humid need
Only clear crystal shock
There is only one way to follow now
Forward from within first
warmed by fires inside
Deep Black Cold Starry Night
Chill breath from skies sigh
Thoughts razor blade sharp
Shards of Blue Reality
Cut through long buried dreams
I was born on a day encased in ice
It thawed one day, my heart
Under June Blue skies
unexpected, immediate and impulsive
The chill crept back in
falling leaves failing to conceal the cracks beneath
Now the steely blanket covers us
the thaw just a memory
Dark Biting Chill Starry Night
My signal uninterupted
The feed is clear
No hazy thoughts of humid need
Only clear crystal shock
There is only one way to follow now
Forward from within first
warmed by fires inside
MAAD Culture Part I
I realized that as we crossed into the 21st century, my fellow black and latino folk are somewhat confused as what our collective identity is..
Allow me to introduce myself...I am She Who Is Outside the Matrix. Please...no pictures. Genuflect accordingly...
Seriously...Some of you guys got sucked into the mainstream machine...
I'm sick of folks having to be stereotypically black ( or anything “normal”) in order to please their race. I'd just like to be a human being and not really care if Beyonce and JZ are fucking, or what the next insipid R&B fad is, or yelling about racism or 40''s and blunts and bling bling and east coast/west coast bullshit...I'm over it. I'm going to identify myself as "other" if I'm asked...
Many American blacks don't ever get their heads out of the drama long enough to care. Its true, black people have all the rights and opportunities that whites do, it's just that they don't BELIEVE that they do. Self hating, self-fulfilling prophecy, kicked dog syndrome, what ever you want to call it...The bling bling gold and diamonds thing that you see all through black culture is a over reaction to success and trying to show that we have stuff. It's sad really, we used to have chains put around our necks as slaves, and now we covered them in gold and diamonds (the same diamonds that black people in Africa die every day for) and put them on ourselves. Do you see the sick psychology of it all?
Why do you think they are so easily led and fooled? I got to watch the whole White Power block they had on the History channel. The Klan started in the early 1900's in Tennessee as a pseudo Masonic order for white guys in the newly slave freed South...ok...got it. That's fine, but it grew out of fear, manipulation, bribes, violence, etc. What of the targets of that hate?
The minute we are freed as a people, of any race, at any point in history, there is a group ready to stuff it out of existence because it feels THREATNED by it. I wonder why, in a time when we know and see people of all races having the same struggles and problems, do we still choose to irrationally hate a group of people...you perpetuate the same pathology even though it's been proven otherwise. Self hate is at the root of all this, friends...You fear your alleged enemy is ready to take your stuff; your blessed white virtuous women (who you then get drunk and beat the shit out of and denigrate and control). You brand US as savages...curious mind-set, no? Well it happened…and check out Strom Thurman and his mind set…they just didn't discuss it back then, eh?
I have friends of all persuasions, including canine... It's just silly and ignorant to think that anyone of a certain race is the stereotype...I'm black and I can't stand some black people either, its all people trying to sound controversial... If you are white and really want to hate black people, who cares? Those that wish the worst on others usually catch it worse in the end... Happy Hating! (Maybe I should start a line of racist greeting cards..."Congrats on your latest lynching...") Not really interested in being white...I'd only wind up stealing black culture to be cool anyway...better to be at the source...
But at what point, once school is over with, do you realize that you were being led to believe that we weren't taught anything and therefore are dumber than white kids who learned everything? Such shit.. If you want to learn something, you learn it...The Internet does not know if you are black or went to a bad school. The information is there. Black folks need to get on with it already and realize even if we knew about every black thing that "whitey" kept from us it still ain't gonna stop us from staying stuck.
Slavery was bad..lawd yes..
But it's all in the mind..
Allow me to introduce myself...I am She Who Is Outside the Matrix. Please...no pictures. Genuflect accordingly...
Seriously...Some of you guys got sucked into the mainstream machine...
I'm sick of folks having to be stereotypically black ( or anything “normal”) in order to please their race. I'd just like to be a human being and not really care if Beyonce and JZ are fucking, or what the next insipid R&B fad is, or yelling about racism or 40''s and blunts and bling bling and east coast/west coast bullshit...I'm over it. I'm going to identify myself as "other" if I'm asked...
Many American blacks don't ever get their heads out of the drama long enough to care. Its true, black people have all the rights and opportunities that whites do, it's just that they don't BELIEVE that they do. Self hating, self-fulfilling prophecy, kicked dog syndrome, what ever you want to call it...The bling bling gold and diamonds thing that you see all through black culture is a over reaction to success and trying to show that we have stuff. It's sad really, we used to have chains put around our necks as slaves, and now we covered them in gold and diamonds (the same diamonds that black people in Africa die every day for) and put them on ourselves. Do you see the sick psychology of it all?
Why do you think they are so easily led and fooled? I got to watch the whole White Power block they had on the History channel. The Klan started in the early 1900's in Tennessee as a pseudo Masonic order for white guys in the newly slave freed South...ok...got it. That's fine, but it grew out of fear, manipulation, bribes, violence, etc. What of the targets of that hate?
The minute we are freed as a people, of any race, at any point in history, there is a group ready to stuff it out of existence because it feels THREATNED by it. I wonder why, in a time when we know and see people of all races having the same struggles and problems, do we still choose to irrationally hate a group of people...you perpetuate the same pathology even though it's been proven otherwise. Self hate is at the root of all this, friends...You fear your alleged enemy is ready to take your stuff; your blessed white virtuous women (who you then get drunk and beat the shit out of and denigrate and control). You brand US as savages...curious mind-set, no? Well it happened…and check out Strom Thurman and his mind set…they just didn't discuss it back then, eh?
I have friends of all persuasions, including canine... It's just silly and ignorant to think that anyone of a certain race is the stereotype...I'm black and I can't stand some black people either, its all people trying to sound controversial... If you are white and really want to hate black people, who cares? Those that wish the worst on others usually catch it worse in the end... Happy Hating! (Maybe I should start a line of racist greeting cards..."Congrats on your latest lynching...") Not really interested in being white...I'd only wind up stealing black culture to be cool anyway...better to be at the source...
But at what point, once school is over with, do you realize that you were being led to believe that we weren't taught anything and therefore are dumber than white kids who learned everything? Such shit.. If you want to learn something, you learn it...The Internet does not know if you are black or went to a bad school. The information is there. Black folks need to get on with it already and realize even if we knew about every black thing that "whitey" kept from us it still ain't gonna stop us from staying stuck.
Slavery was bad..lawd yes..
But it's all in the mind..
Millenial African American Dissolution = Black folks going MAAD
This was an image I made using a confederate flag with German colors for a hip hop label in Berlin..but it kind of symbolizes how I feel right now regarding the 1st installment of Millenial African American Dissolution, or MAAD..
Image by CCRosario/©2004
A little bit more..
I preface the next couple of posts with the disclaimer that I am considerably more ZEN now than I was when I wrote half this stuff..
If you have any comments, post them to http://chrysis.proboards33.com/index.cgi
If you have any comments, post them to http://chrysis.proboards33.com/index.cgi
It's me first one..
Since my old blog went tits up..here's the new one..
I will basically be writing about the truly dumb shit that happens to myself and others. You'll get some poetry if I'm feeling particularly morose..
You'll get tripped out pics and even AUDIO clips..
You lucky bastards..
I will basically be writing about the truly dumb shit that happens to myself and others. You'll get some poetry if I'm feeling particularly morose..
You'll get tripped out pics and even AUDIO clips..
You lucky bastards..
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