Some guy named Travis Frey, "a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap) actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document--a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"--that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily." To see this amazing piece of shit, click here
So here's my Asshole Husband Contract:
Hygiene and Self Care: You will make sure the size of your beer gut does not exceed the size of your cock. I must be able to look over your shoulder and see your dick. You may not have hair of any kind on your back, or coming out of your ears or nose. You feet and balls may not smell like rotting cheese.
Clothes and other apparel: You may not wear something for 3 days, hang it out the window and think it don't smell anymore. You may not wear jeans with a suit jacket. If I ever see you in a pair of Speedos, it means almost certain death.
Sleepwear and Sleeping: You are not allowed to sleep without drawers on and farting under the covers is strictly prohibited. And under no circumstances can you try to fuck me while I'm asleep.
MY Time: during my time, especially if that time coincides with my menstrual cycle, you will not look at me, breathe near me, or ask me to do shit for you. For all requests of that nature, please see the section entitled MOTHER.
Sexual Matters: Cunnilingus must be performed TO COMPLETION prior to the beginning of any sexual act. Removal of the stabilizing head gear needed to insure completion will not be removed until afterglow is evident. Anal sex will only be allowed if I am properly inerbriated first..
If any of the terms of this contract are violated or ignored in any way, you will promptly be asked to go fuck yourself..
